Despertar

i didn't get the job

The silver lining is, my life is mine again. Thirty-six hours after receiving the bad news, that's what I'm choosing to focus on. Not the fact that I spent all my summer killing myself over something that would eventually forsake me. Rather, the fact that now I'm forced to admit it was a terrible fit, that I've been trying to forcefit myself into a career field that makes me feel inadequate and terrible, and to try to find something that doesn't.

I didn't deserve to, anyway. I'm not saying that in a compliment-fishing, woe-is-me way; I really, really didn't. I felt bad even hearing the apology in the hiring partner's voice when he called to tell me, adding that it was the worst thing he'd had to do all year because he'd grown "really fond" of me, because I didn't deserve to be liked, let alone respected or hired. I spent the whole summer screwing up assignments and bitching about all the work I was doing. I stayed out doing karaoke till three o'clock the night before my Litigation assignment was due, et cetera. I was the youngest, greenest one, and it showed.

Had Justin not dumped me at the beginning of the summer, I probably wouldn't have screwed it up so badly. That in itself tells me I wasn't ready to be a poker-faced biglaw attorney.