Work in Progress

Woohoo!

I had an extraordinary day. I achieved my current goal to run for twelve minutes, at five miles per hour - one mile - a goal I had serious doubts about just two days ago. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself...

I ran for eleven minutes last night. My knees hurt when I was done and I had a really tough time doing my time on the arc trainer, but I pushed through. It wasn't the most intense workout, but knowing that I was so close to my goal - just one more minute! - was an amazing feeling.

I felt good when I woke up this morning - my muscles were sore, but my joints weren't aching. I was actually looking forward to doing it tonight. Me...looking forward to running...never would have imagined that! But somewhere in the middle of the day, I began to feel incredibly anxious. I don't really understand it completely. I knew in my head that if I could run for eleven minutes that I could run for twelve. But those old doubts tried to creep back in. My heart was racing. I had to pee constantly. My intestines staged a revolt that sent me to the bathroom a few more times. I felt like crap.

The old me would have thrown in the towel at that point. She would have skipped the gym tonight and probably for quite a while after. The new me, the one who is learning to push through the tough stuff, the one who is learning to believe in herself, she sucked it up, put on her big girl panties and went to the gym.

After a pep talk from April and a little bit of stretching, I jumped on the treadmill. I covered the timer with a towel and kept my eye on the distance. Every tenth of a mile was a little victory, a step closer to that one mile, twelve minute goal. The last tenth of a mile was rough...I'm not going to lie. I was breathing hard, fighting for each step, fighting to keep my focus. It may not have been pretty to watch, but I ran one mile at five miles per hour. I couldn't take it in at first. I was simply happy that it was over. But towards the end of my workout it hit me. I did it. No more self-doubt. Whatever anxiety I felt, whatever negative energy I brought to the gym, I managed to use it to fuel that run.

Extraordinary. It's taken me a long time to get to this point of loving and believing in myself. A couple of years ago I was trapped in a web of my own negativity and pessimism. I did a lot of work on the inside to learn to take care of myself and to believe that I was worth taking care of. This journey into optimizing my health and fitness was the next step. It's hard to look back, but sometimes it's important. I love where I'm at right now. I love where I'm heading.

I'm letting go of more of that old crap that didn't work. The negative self-talk. The tendency to give up when things get tough. A few very old, very deeply ingrained 'beliefs' about who I am and what I can accomplish. It's like peeling an onion at times; this letting go definitely brings a lot of emotion to the surface, good and bad. It's definitely cathartic.

After two and a half months, it's time to clear out my closet. I need to say goodbye to some old favorites that just don't fit right any more, like the pair of jeans I can take off without unzipping them or the ones that used to strain every bit of lycra in the stretch denim that now gap at the waist or some of the shirts that suddenly display a bit more than I want. I need to pack them up and take them to Goodwill and I need to find some things that fit me now. It's another step that I need to take. It's good to let go of old things that no longer fit whether they are habits, beliefs or clothes.

It's also time for a new goal. I'm not sure what April and I will decide on this time, but I'll keep you posted next week. In the meantime, I'm going to celebrate this goal...I'm not sure how, but this one really needsa reward. (I actually owe myself quite a few at this point.) I'm also going to revel in my new status as a 'gym rat' since I spend so much time there - it's a vital part of my life and I really do like the positive energy and change that it represents. (OK, that may be a little weird, but I like weird and it's true, so...meh.)

I'm off to ice my knees which are aching at the moment. I am so proud of myself at this moment that I almost can't stand it!