Life as we know it sucks

When I'm with him, I'm thinking of you....

Current Music: Thinking of You - Katy Perry

Current Mood: Nervous...

So...I'm still crazy...and obsessed. Sad to say. I don't know how to stop being fascinated by Byron. I don't know how to stop obsessing... and texting... Yes, now I'm texting him.... Shane's right there, too! I'm so AWFUL!!!!!

It started on Saturday the 20th. I called Byron because he was supposed to come and look at something, but I thought it would be better if he came the next day instead. I'm not even going to give you the reason why either. I'm just ashamed.

He texted about two hours after I called:
         You rang miss?

I said something like:
         Byron has texting? Wow.

(He hates it when I call him Byron. His name is actually Bryon.)

He said:
         So funny you make me cry. Tomorrow no good. Call me if you can.



I'm not sure, but I did read into that last sentence. Perhaps I'm just crazy. So, I called him and we talked for 23 minutes! He was on the side of the road nonetheless. I don't even remember what we talked about...but it was great.

So, Monday he was supposed to bring in this British movie (Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels). We were going to exchange - he was going to watch Casino Royale. He didn't come into the bank, though.

I decided I would send him a semi-pout text:
         You know I was so looking forward to some good British TV.

Three minutes later:
         Oops. I thought about you as I drove by this morning. Does that count?

I didn't want to seem obsessed (though I am) so I sent a simple:
         I guess that'll suffice.

Then he proceeded to say that to show how sorry he was, he'd buy me Wendy's one day and bring the movie in the next day. I was like: Oooh! Wendy's!

He told me he assumed that meant he was forgiven and to hold on to that thought.

I asked him if that meant he was going to be mean to me.

He said:
         Could never be mean to you.

Just that simple sentence sent me flying high. I was so confused and happy at the same time. What does alllll this mean?

Probably an hour later I told him to have a good one.

He said:
         Nitey nite...Jackie.

The Jackie thing might throw you off...but he calls me Jackie (from That 70s Show). Haha. He thinks I think everything is about me...which is probably true.



Anyway, so he gave me the movie the next day. I watched it immediately when I got home. Obsession anyone???

I started to wonder after we texted some more if this was all in my head. I mean, am I sabotaging my marriage? My life? For something ridiculous.




So, it gets worse. This past Sunday (the 28th of June) Byron and I hung out all day. I'm in big trouble. Big, big trouble. It was supposed to be just a casual lunch at Wendy's. It turned into a 7 hour conversation. No, I'm not sure you heard me correctly - I said

7 HOURS!



I'm so interested in what he talks about and everywhere he's been and done. I don't know how to stop at this point. I really don't. It's going to be a devastating end though - I can tell you that right now.

So, I actually lied to Shane multiple times yesterday. I was at my friend's house supposedly. Yep. Bad Hilary. I'm such a whore. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I sometimes feel like I rushed into this whole marriage thing. I really do. I wish I had just listened to EVERYONE!



The really bad things is...I think Byron really does feel the same. He called last night and left a voicemail and then a half hour later he texted me. I didn't realize he had texted until the next morning. I sent him a sort of apologetic text back at 7 in the morning. We texted a few more times.

Then at almost 4:00 that afternoon he texted:
         I missed your company today. Hope you had a stress free day so far.

I told him it definitely wasn't stress free. I then asked what he was doing.

He said:
         Working in Middleburg wishing it was yesterday again.

At that I began to freak out. I mean, I can't believe it! Am I crazy and reading way too much into it or what? What am I doing??

Why do I want him so much? I mean, I've always been attracted to him...probably since I first saw him almost 2 years ago.



So, he came into the bank that Tuesday to give me the movie Snatch. And return Casino Royale. The look he gave me when he walked out the door was indescribable...but even Valerie noticed him give it to me. It's not all in my head. Really.

After he had left, I texted him saying: That was short.

About an hour later he wrote back:
         I apologise. Would have liked to stay there all afternoon, especially since you were looking particularly wonderful. Oops that slipped out.

Of course it didn't really slip out! What does this mean? That it really hasn't been in my head this whole fucking time? That I was seriously right and that he really is attracted to me?




...So yea, about this - what should we call it? Affair seems to be too strong a word, but I guess it practically is. So about this psuedo-affair...I am basically begging for it now. I really want to be with him. Not only physically, but emotionally, too. I just... don't know.

I mean he knows I'm married, but I'm not sure he even knows my husband's name. I purposefully don't talk about Shane and I think he does the same. It's well - I don't know. It's happening and I think I'm going to let it! Sounds completely awful.

I mean, for God's sake, we're spending the day together for the 4th of July! I wouldn't be surprised if something happens. I almost welcome it. I don't even feel guilty about it. At least not as much as I should.

I'm not sexually satisfied and I don't even want to have sex with Shane....I'm not sure I ever have. He was just the first boy who didn't leave. He treats me well, but is that enough? Sometimes I don't think I've ever been in love with him. It's kind of depressing. Sometimes I just want out. Seriously....

What was I smoking when I got married so young? What was the rush? I mean, I question it more everyday because of how unhappy Valerie is and how my brother and his wife of not even 2 months are getting their marriage annulled. I mean, he's being an ass but I understand why she can't deal with it!

I'm just frustrated and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. My mom would tell me to pray and shit. All my friends would say it's completely reckless and stupid.

I'm just confused and I want someone to talk to. Someone I don't have to pay.

So after the whole me looking particularly wonderful on Tuesday...we texted even more that night. We just talked about crap until I asked him how he knew all these acronyms that I didn't.

He said:
         I don't know. Meet me a few more times and you'll start to pick them up. Or maybe those 7 hours were enough.

I told him they were hardly enough. Then he proceeded to tell him he was very happy and that it was because of me. He was saying that he's happy we're getting to know each other because he enjoys my company.

He's just so sweet and not completely repulsive or perverted.

Then after a while I asked if he was taking the 4th off to celebrate my independence. What I was implying by that was he's British so he's not celebrating himself. lol

But then he sent this text that got me thinking:
         If you mean Independence Day, 300 million others celebrate also. Is there another independence I don't know about?

It just made mew onder what he was thinking when he asked that....Or if I'm just a girl and I'm reading way too much into that.

Then I asked if he was working. He told me probably, unless he got asked anywhere. He told me he'd ask me, but figured I already had plans.

That was when we decided we were going to hang out....

There's way more that's happened, but I guess you have a pretty good idea....What do you think? I don't think it's all in my head anymore, do you?