Work in Progress

Mirrors

I am not fond of mirrors. I don't have one in my bedroom and I typically only look into the bathroom mirror for long enough to put on my makeup. I'm so used to seeing my perceived flaws that I equate the mirror with a certain amount of discomfort and even pain. I'm the same with having my picture taken. I rarely like the end result so I usually slip out of the picture. I could probably count the number of times I'm been photographed in the last year on one hand and I don't like any of them. When I look in the mirror or at pictures of myself I see a flabby belly and a double chin. It hurts and I it is something that I truly want to change.

I'm a huge fan of makeover shows - What Not to Wear, How to Look Good Naked, How Do I Look? - mainly because the external makeover is only a piece of the puzzle. It's often the subject's perception of themself that has the most dramatic shift. Believe it or not, I've learned a lot from these shows. I've learned to dress the body that I currently have in a way that is flattering - I used to wear everything baggy and now I wear clothes that actually fit. And I've learned how to find some things in the mirror that I do like. I have nice eyes and high cheekbones. I have shapely shoulders and nice collar bones. And, overall, my shape is proportional. It helps to know that I can find positive things to focus on in the mirror.

The gym is full of mirrors. It takes some getting used to. I know why they are there. It's not so the cute, muscle-bound boys can admire their bulging biceps while they do their curls. And it's not to torture me either. Working with weights is hard work and it is imperative that the exercises are done correctly. This prevents injury and insures that the muscles are worked effectively. So...gulp...I have to look in the mirror.

The first week was the worst. April reminded me over and over to keep my head up but I kept focusing my eyes on my sneakers or the weights in my hand. Anywere but at the woman in the mirror. I'm not pretty when I exercise. I have to pull my hair back tightly to keep it from hanging in my face, which makes my face look very round and makes my double chin look enormous. I sweat, profusely - not like those lucky girls who just get dewy - I sweat everywhere, even my knees! And my face turns bright, vivid red (the curse of fair skin and a tendency to blush easily). Watching myself like this was tough at first.

I'm getting better. The woman in the mirror is less of the sweaty, red-faced chick and more of the determined woman who is working her butt off to achieve her goal. When I remember that, I can look. I can watch what I'm doing, correct myself, do every repetition just a little more perfectly. I can see the subtle changes in my body already - a little more muscle tone, a little less fat. That makes me feel great. That reminds me that I am doing something good for myself; that I am taking care of myself. It's a pretty amazing feeling.

I'm becoming a little fonder of mirrors and of what I see reflected back at me. I'm not obsessed with my outward appearance. I don't need to be super-skinny or super-hot. But if I said outward appearance doesn't matter to me at all, that would be a huge lie. I want to love the way I look. But more importanly, I want to love the way I feel.