.:Dreams and Swords:.

Stalemate

Stalemate - a perfect word for what I'm feeling at the moment.

There comes a time when, no matter what is happening, the will to push yourself forward suddenly fades from existence. I have found myself in this very predicament. Don't get me wrong, there are things I need to finish. The drive simply isn't there.

For example, my first exam needs to be finished by the end of the week. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about the material I've covered so far. Biological Anthropology is fascinating on many different levels, and the discussions I've been having with my classmates are ones of science fiction writers fantasies. Its just, at least for this moment in time, something hasn't clicked for me yet. There's a point where the information snaps on in the brain like flicking a light switch. But right now I've got nada.

If I were to make any time of guess as to why, I'd say it has to do with my birthday. Come the twentieth of this month I will be 21 years old. But as I get older I find that I feel more trepidation than excitement. My original birthday plans have been blown, as they have been for the past few years, and I come away with no need for celebration.

In truth, I almost forgot my birthday was coming up. More and more, I don't celebrate, even with my family. Not to sound melodramatic but it seems I'm fading away. And if there was anyone to blame for that it be me. I'm simply one of those people in life that is more part of the mechanics of everyday than something that is outstanding. Worse yet, I can't really say that I mind.

Soon enough this will fade. I'll be back with loads of determination (hopefully). Until then, I'm simply faking it until I make it.