Never Really Alone

Chapter Thirteen

The smell of coffee brought me back to the present and the job at hand.  I had nearly everything I wanted to keep boxed up.  All that was left to do was to clean and pack the coffee pot.  No matter what people said about the quality of drip coffee, I'd take percolated any day of the week.  It may take longer but whoever said that good wasn't worth the wait?  I made one last quick walk through the house to see if I'd missed anything, and aside from Miranda Jean's trunk, I had everything stacked on the porch.

By the time I got all the boxes loaded into the car I'd changed my mind about the trunk.  I went back up to the attic, opened it and removed only one thing, her golden heart necklace.  We had each received one the Christmas before she died.  Mine was still in my jewelry box at home, and though its value was purely sentimental, I enjoyed the thought of both of them sharing the same spot now.  The rest of it was simply out of date, old clothes and toys and I didn't need any of it.

After taking one last, long look, I locked the door and said a final good-bye to my past.  I could mail the keys to the realtor.  After that, all that was left was paperwork.  It was funny how someone's entire life could be boiled down to some signatures and a cashier's check.

It was three more days of driving before I could join Stephen and the girls at the lake.  But it was three more days of memories and putting things in their proper place.  I had been able to come to a kind of peace with my father after my mother died, but I think it was more because his defenses were down more than anything else.  I had never been able to reach that with my mother, though I had tried once or twice after the girls had been born.

More than anything I wanted Catherine and Julia to have a grandmother in their life, and so I tried to fix what didn't work with my mother.  But the new frame I had put myself in didn't fit her and she refused to see me as anything other than her usual view, damaged and broken.  Since I couldn't expose my daughters to that, they never had a relationship with her.  By the time I made peace with my father they were already teenagers and they didn't need a grandfather hundreds of miles away that they didn't know.

So by the time I arrived at the lake I was feeling melancholy and even a bit teary.  Not at all what two active, fourteen-year old girls were looking forward to seeing.  I barely got one foot out of the car when Catherine, in a bathing suit that left little to the imagination, as far as I was concerned, was going on and on about some boy who was staying in the cottage next to ours.  And Julia the tomboy, in cut-off jeans and halter top giving me reasons why she should be allowed to take the motorboat out by herself.  Where, I wondered, was Stephen to rescue me from motherhood?  I thought that I deserved at least fifteen minutes to decompress after getting out of the car.

"Where is your father?"

Julia was the first to reply.  "He's in the cottage making some kind of mucky-looking chili for lunch, and I for one am not eating it.  I'm having a salad.  Mom, don't you agree with me about the boat?"

"Would you forget about the boat, already?  I need to talk to Mom about Kevin.  Mom, a bunch of kids are going into town tonight to see a movie.  It's alright if I go, isn't it?  It's not like a date, it's just a bunch of kids."  Catherine had her arm wrapped around my shoulders, trying to win me over with affection, her usual plan of attack.

"Girls, enough already!  You know better than to double-team me as soon as I get out of the car.  All of this can wait until after lunch.  Now, if you don't mind, I have a couple of bags in the back seat.  Go grab them and put them in the bedroom.  We'll get everything straightened out after I've had a chance to talk to your dad."  I headed inside and followed my nose into the kitchen.  The mucky-stuff that Julia was referring to was Stephen's special white-bean chicken chili, which was one of his finer creations, served with toasted corn tortilla's.  I snuck up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head against his back.

He turned around and lifted me right off the floor, kissing me soundly on the mouth.  "Uggh!  Would you guys stop doing that!?!  It is so gross, can't you wait until we're not around to do stuff like that?  Geeze!"  Julia turned on her heels and left the kitchen with a grunt.

Stephen just laughed.  "Good, alone at last.  How was your trip?  Did you get everything taken care of, any problems?"

I put a spoon into the chili to get a taste.  "Mmm, good.  The trip was fine, no problems to speak of, though it was really a trip down memory lane.  But everything's taken care of, it's all up to the realtor now.  I brought some things home, my mother's china, some stuff like that.  Though I'm not quite sure what I'll do with all of it.  I guess I'll figure it out eventually."

He smiled.  "I guess so.  Well, have a seat, madam and I'll fill you up with the best white-bean chicken chili this side of the Mississippi.  Girls.  Time for lunch!"

"So, what's all this about the boy next door and Julia taking the boat out by herself?  Have you got everything under control?"

Stephen smiled sheepishly.  "Uh, I was kind of hoping you'd get here before I had to make any decisions regarding the boy next door.  Although I've already said 'no' about taking the boat out.  For goodness sake, she's only fourteen."

I shook my head.  "Thanks a bunch, Sweetie.  Just what I wanted to do as soon as I got here.  You're going to get yours."  At that moment both girls walked in and headed right for the refrigerator, much to Stephen's chagrin.

"Hey, what are you doing?  There's a big pot of chili right here.  Why are you looking in the fridge, what's wrong with my chili?"

Catherine came over and put her arms around him.  "Dad, there's nothing wrong with your chili if you want onion breath for the next three days.  Personally I'm not okay with that.  So, if you don't mind, I'm just going to have some fruit.  'Kay?"

"That goes double for me Dad.  See ya'."  Julia walked out of the kitchen  juggling two apples in the air.

Catherine came to the table with a small bowl and an orange.  As she peeled it, she turned on her angelic face, the one she used when she wanted something.  "About tonight, can I go to the movies?"

If I could have closed my eyes and wished the day away, I would have.  Having teenagers was simply too much work sometimes.  "Who all is going Catherine?  And don't fudge with me on this because you know I'll find out, I always do."

"Mom, what kind of attitude is that, I ask you?  I mean really.  Deb Rogers and her brother David are going, Sam from the boat rental place, Mary Clark and her little sister, Angie, Janet Riley, Kevin from next door and hopefully me and Julia.  That is, if I can get her to go.  Sometimes she's a real drag, y'know?"

"She's not a drag, she's just choosy about what she does and doesn't do.  She doesn't like to waste her time.  Okay, so how's everybody getting there?  Are there cars involved?"

"Nope, no cars.  We're going to walk.  It's only about half a mile, so we decided we'd walk.  So can I go?"  She turned on that smile again, the one that could melt an igloo.

How could I say no?  "Alright, if you can get Julia to go, you can go.  But you have to be home by ten o'clock.  Do you understand me?"

"Yes, of course I do.  You're an angel, Mom, a real angel."  Then she ran out of the room, probably on wings.

I looked at Stephen and he just grinned at me.  "Right, I'm an angel," I said, "or a fool."

Stephen reached over and took hold of my hand and kissed it  "You're not a fool, my dear, only the mother of two very precocious teens.  Just be glad that's all they are.  It could be worse, you know."

"I know, all in all, we're pretty lucky aren't we?"  In the back of my mind I was remembering all the things I'd done by the time I was their age.  By fourteen I'd already been brought home more than once by the police, drunk and rowdy.  But then again my circumstances were entirely different than theirs.

I shook my head to clear it of all those unhappy snapshots of more painful days.  There was no good reason to go there anymore.  The world I lived in now, was a world blessed, a world of grace.  That was all I needed to remember.

When Stephen and I returned from the market the girls were in the kitchen making dinner.  Stephen thought it was a pre-emptive strike in order to avoid his cooking again.  I saw it as an extra offering to cement the positive outcome of their evening plans.  Being a man he didn't see it that way, but girls are girls, no matter their age and we understand one another.

Julia made an enormous Waldorf salad, heavy on the apples and walnuts, light on the dressing and Catherine made homemade biscuits, what she referred to as her 'specialty'.  Aggie taught both girls to make biscuits when they were about six-years old and Catherine had been mesmerized by the dough.  Through the years she had experimented with different methods and ingredients until she had perfected 'Catherine's Biscuits'.  I had to admit, they really were special, even better than Aggie's.

Neither of the twins were meat lovers, so of course, there wasn't any on the menu tonight, which meant Stephen would be hunting in the refrigerator later in the evening.  It was a good thing I had picked up some ground beef at the market.  He'd be into it and frying up hamburgers in no time at all.

Catherine had convinced Julia to go to the movies with the rest of the kids and if she could have somehow pushed time forward to make seven o'clock arrive any faster, she would have.  Though I was a little surprised she was able to talk her sister into going along.  It just didn't seem like something Julia would want to do.

"So, Julia what did your sister have to give you to get you to agree to go with her tonight...money, or promises of weekly chores?  Or was it something bigger?"  To my surprise, not only Catherine, but Julia too, who looked guilty.  "Okay you two, what gives?"

And as quick as it had appeared it was gone.  Just two normal teens with nothing to hide, normal siblings with their normal day to day wheelings and dealings.  And their words confirmed it.  "Mom, what are you talking about?  What do you mean, what gives?"  This time it was Julia with the smile that would cause the angels to cry with envy.  "Although you're right about something bigger.  I made a very good deal with Cat.  Five bucks and she does the laundry next week.  Pretty good, huh?"

"She drives a hard bargain, but I really want to go tonight, so I'll do what I have to do.  But some day, Julia, there's going to be something you want, and then I'll get you, just wait and see."

I felt like I was missing something.  Or had I imagined it?  It was probably just me, I was tired and emotionally exhausted and what I really needed was a large glass of wine and a place to put my feet up.

By the time we finished dinner, it was nearly six-fifteen so the girls had just enough time to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen before they got ready to go out.  Stephen poured two glasses of wine and led the way into the tiny living room of the cottage and we got comfortable in the overstuffed chairs that faced the window overlooking the lake.

The girls came in about ten minutes to seven.  Catherine had changed into a denim mini-skirt and pink T-shirt, and had taken her strawberry blonde hair down from its pony-tail and it hung loosely around her shoulders.  She was wearing just a bit of pink lipstick, my only allowance of make-up. 

Julia on the other hand hadn't changed her clothes at all, she was still wearing the same cut-off jeans and blue halter-top she'd been wearing when I arrived this afternoon.  The only thing about her that was different was that she'd brushed out her hair and pulled it into one long, thick braid that hung half-way down her back.  And on Julia you wouldn't find a stitch of make-up.  She had stated on more than one occasion that she thought it was ridiculous.  For identical twins, you would never find two more different personalities.

Catherine nearly burst into the room, "We're going now!"

"Yeah, later Dad."  Julia threw him a kiss and as she passed me, she neatly dropped a fleeting kiss on the top of my head.  She was going through a period of feeling weird about parental closeness lately.  It was obvious that she still needed it, but she really didn't want to admit it.

Catherine, on the other hand, had always been extremely affectionate, as a baby and even now as a teen.  She was a very tactile person and that part of her played into her emotions.  She wrapped her arms around Stephen's neck and kissed his forehead, before coming over to hug me tightly and kiss my cheek.  "I know Mom, stay together, be careful.  Don't talk to strangers, don't get in anyone's car, and be home by ten.  Will do.  Bye, love you."

And out into the night they went, no longer babies, but nearly young women.  My God, I was growing more maudlin by the minute.  Well enough of that, I thought.  What I really need is more wine.  Before I could even get up out of my chair, Stephen was in and out of the kitchen in a flash, refilling my glass.  That was one of the wonderful things that I loved about him.  He almost knew me better than I knew myself and even knowing, still loved me.

Stephen put some jazz records on the stereo and we sat there, drinking wine and enjoying the sun setting over the water into the falling darkness.  About eight-thirty I turned the lamp on and picked up an Ellery Queen mystery and tried to read, but between the wine, the music and the long drive, the day finally caught up with me and before long, I fell asleep.

I was home again and I was running through the fields behind the house and then into the barn and up the ladder.  When I got to the top, I jumped into the hay, it was soft and smelled sweet.  Then suddenly I was in the tree house with Miranda Jean, but I wasn't small, I was grown and so was she.  We were having tea and she was showing me pictures of her children.  But they were pictures of my children.

I tried to tell her that they were my children, but she didn't understand and suddenly she was small again and so was I and we were standing by the river and she was shaking my shoulder and calling to me.  "Sarah Jane!  Sarah Jane!  Wake up, you have to wake up!  Sarah Jane, wake up!  Stop dreaming and wake up!  Please wake up Sarah Jane, please wake up!"

I opened my eyes and the room was still.  What time was it?  Stephen was gone.  Had I been dreaming?  Yes, dreaming about Miranda Jean, that was it.  I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me.  I looked down and there stood Miranda Jean, as clear as she had ever been.  But the look on her face was something I had never seen before.  Tears were streaming down her face and the fear in her eyes terrified me.  Was I still dreaming?  Yes, that must be it.

"NO!  You aren't dreaming Sarah Jane, you aren't.  It's really me.  You have to pay attention.  Julia's in trouble, she's really in trouble.  You have to get Stephen and come with me.  She needs you. Right now, Sarah Jane!"

That snapped me awake faster than anything ever had.  There were no more questions that needed to be asked about dreaming or not.  I ran to the bedroom to wake Stephen.  I wasted no time explaining.  I simply grabbed his arm and pulled.  "Stephen, wake up, Julia's in trouble.  She needs us."

"What, what's that?  What are you talking about?  Has there been an accident?  Is she in the hospital?  Is Catherine alright?"  All this time he was pulling his jeans on and slipping into his loafers.

"No, I don't know.  You have to trust me now Stephen.  We need to get in the car.  Miranda Jean has come back.  I was dreaming about her and then suddenly she was shaking me and screaming at me to wake me up because Julia's in trouble.  She's terrified, Stephen and so am I.  She said we need to drive to where she is."

He opened the car door for me and then got in the driver's sear.  "Where do I go?"

Miranda Jean sat in between us and was so still, I was afraid she wouldn't be able to tell me anything.  But she looked up at me and spoke.  "She went out in the boat by herself.  She thought she could do it.  She was okay until she got to the place called 'The Point'.  It's real deep there and the boat got snagged on something.  She was trying to get it free and she couldn't, so she stood up to try and reach further out and the boat tipped over and she went under.  At first she was okay, she held onto the boat.  But she tried to climb on top of it, and she kept slipping back.  So she started kicking and then one of her feet got tangled in something.  It's pulling her under, Sarah Jane, just like me.  It's pulling her under.  You have to save her.  Don't let her go, please don't let her go."

The Point got its name from the topography of the area, the shoreline of the lake reached out just like a pointer.  But the water there was deep and swimming wasn't allowed and boating was discouraged.

Stephen violated every speed limit posted and we pulled up to the shore within three or four minutes of the time we'd left the house.  We jumped out of the car and Stephen went immediately to the trunk and retrieved the big flashlight he used for night fishing.  Then we ran to the edge of the shore and began hollering for Julia.  It only took a second to hear her calling for help.  Stephen pointed the flashlight in the direction of her voice and we saw the boat and just the top of her head and her arm as she sunk down into the water.

Stephen handed me the flashlight and with his shoes and all jumped into the water and raced through the same kind of evil that had taken my sister and now threatened to take my daughter.  All I could see through the beam of the flashlight was a lot of splashing water, and all I could hear was the sound of Stephen's voice calling out Julia's name.

Miranda Jean was no longer by my side and I guessed that the whole scene was more than her child's heart could handle and she had gone back to wherever it was that she had come from.  Truth be told I wasn't certain that my heart could carry on with a loss such as this.  I pointed the flashlight again out into the water and saw Stephen approaching the shore.  Julia was with him, but she wasn't swimming, he had his arm around her chest and he was pulling her through the water.

I refused to allow myself to lose control, not to be strong for Stephen and Catherine, but because I feared that I would lose myself and never find my way back.  So I ran to Stephen and helped him as he lay my beautiful Julia on the ground.  There were leaves and vines wrapped around her golden braid and her face was pale and her lips were blue.  I knelt beside her and held her hand in mine.  It was cold, colder than I ever would have imagined.  I sat on the ground holding her hand and staring at her ashen face and closed eyes and I thought that surely this was the end of my life.

In an instant Stephen snapped me back to reality with instructions.  He began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and in between breaths told me to get the blanket from the back seat of the car.  I ran as if demons were after me, grabbed the blanket and returned just in time to see Julia vomiting up the most beautiful and vile lake water I had ever seen.  Thank God, she was alive, and the graced life I thought I had lost had been returned and blessed ten-fold.

We took no chances and raced her to the hospital as soon as she could sit up.  The doctor's initial exam seemed to indicate that she'd suffered no real injury, but they wanted to keep her overnight for observation and Stephen and I were in total agreement.  So, once they had her all tucked into a gown and bed, and we had showered her with more kisses and hugs than she would ever need, we said our good-nights.  Although we did promise her that there would be some serious conversation about taking the boat out, lying about where she was and other matters once she was feeling better.

"Oh, yeah, that," she said, and offered up a weak smile.

"Yeah, that," I answered and kissed her again.  "But not now.  For now, you sleep.  We need to get back to the house and let Catherine know what's happened, and she also has a talking-to coming."

When we got down to the parking lot and into the car, everything let go and I collapsed into a shaking puddle in Stephen's arms.  He said nothing, but just held me until the storm subsided and I could finally breathe normally again and stop the tears pouring from my eyes.