Despertar

tonight will be a good night

1. If you won the lottery, would you consider donating a percentage of the money?
I would donate a lot of it to the UNCF, some portion to my college, which is cutting back on certain departments because of financial difficulties, some to area public schools on the condition they use it to buy libraries and computers, not develop their gym facilities.

2. Would you consider getting Botox injections to your armpits to decrease sweating?
I don't really sweat that much. Also I still don't understand how botulism injections stop sweat production.

3. Do you wear a lot of corduroy?
I own three corduroy garments, all from J. Crew: a pair of olive green pants, a pair of purple pants and a purple skirt. The skirt and the green pants, which are both zeroes, feel like a straitjacket at present. The purple pants, which are a two, fit pretty much okay, but look kind of whorish, which is hard to do in corduroys. I really need to do something about this.

4. Does the weather have a very large impact on your moods?
Yes, probably. I like sun and rain, hot and cold. I don't care much for the in between. Days like today, just warm enough and cloudless, that other people refer to as "beautiful," make me feel anxious. I pray for the temperature to either rise or fall.

5. If you had a child, do you think your child would have any reason to be ashamed of you?
If I had a child now, he or she would have been an accident, and his or her arrival would have happened at the absolute worst possible time and under the absolute worst possible circumstances. So he or she would eventually regret that I was an idiot.

6. Do you buy eggnog around the holidays?
No, because I worry that it actually has egg in it?

7. Did you play cowboys and Indians when you were a small child?
No, never.

8. Do you watch your neighbors from your windows?
The windows in the building opposite are frosted, but I get enough of a show, daily, without being able to spy on neighbors. I'm on the second floor just a few feet above this little alcove with benches and trashcans, and all too often people hang out there to give and receive covert blow jobs.

9. Do you live within five miles of a lake?
The Potomac.

10. Do you believe that personality is everything?
After privilege, I guess personality has the greatest influence on the possibility for success. I have gotten away with more foolish mistakes than I can count because people, authority figures especially, really like and trust me. No one believes I am capable of wrong.

11. When someone says they love you, do you naturally want to say it back, even if you don't?
Nothing makes me feel more awkward than to feel pressure to say "I love you." I never say it except under extreme duress, not because I don't love anyone, but because the words themselves, those smarmy, velvety words, make me so intensely vulnerable, I can't stand it. I don't even say it to my mother, who concludes every conversation with that phrase. I know I should, I know, I know, but I don't think anyone in my love-circle doubts my love just because I'm too weak to express it out loud.

12. Do you have any real reason to be depressed?
Considering there are mothers in rural Haiti feeding their children dirt-and-oil pies to slake the hunger pains, of course I don't. But I am a firm believer that the aspects of a person's experience and feelings are of significance only relative to other aspects of the the same person's experience and feelings, so if I've ever felt hopelessly, debilitatingly depressed, it was for real. It's like how, because I can't imagine the unthinkable cold on Neptune, I shiver in the below-freezing weather of a Midatlantic January.

13. Do you have more respect for the United Nations or the United States?
The United Nations represents a broader diversity of cultures, and I respect diversity, so.

14. Is it conceited to consider oneself unique?
Not conceited, no. It's lame and adolescent to insist no one else has ever experienced some permutation of the exact same feelings and events that have made up your life, but we are all sort of unique.

15. Would it fill your heart with joy to see other people crying for you?
Sometimes I fantasize about getting to witness my own funeral, and I wonder about this. I think it would depend largely on why they were crying exactly. It would suck if they were unhappy about the painful or untimely way my life ended, or something, or because my life had been such a horrible, unproductive waste.

16. Do you think the war in Iraq will end in 2005?
At the time, I thought it would end in 2003, but obviously I am not a foreign policy expert.

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Taking a break. This survey weighs in at a whopping one hundred sixty questions long.

I'm upset about something I can't talk about here because I don't feel like wading through all the judgment that would surely rain down on me. I have sown my own poison, I know. Other people's relationships, et cetera. Suffice it to say I've got till Tuesday to either (a) cool down and return to status quo or (b) script the perfect tirade to deliver when the prince returns to the kingdom. Or (c) perform some sort of bloodletting (blood bool? I'm reading Lisey's Story; it's confusing and scary) in that time and, again, return to status quo.

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17. Do you know anyone who has ever been held hostage?
Bristol Palin's boyfriend, who will never marry her, I bet you a thousand dollars, was a political hostage. But not personally, no.

18. If your teenage son impregnated a girl, would you force him to do whatever it took to support her?
Of course. I'd like to say I would hope he'd have the good sense to take the initiative himself, but teenage boys are idiots, and chances are he wouldn't. Either way, I'm sure he wouldn't have any money, and he would still have a child's brain in his adult body, so what this question should really be asking is, If your teenage son impregnated a girl, would you step up and take responsibility till he matured enough to be any sort of father, and the answer is yes, I would, both on principal and because I couldn't stand the thought of not having a relationship with my grandchild.

19. Are angels creepy?
No.

20. Do you think the New England accent is annoying?
Talking about accents the other day, Christina made the comment that it seems strange to stereotype people based on the accents that correspond to their races when no one stereotypes anyone based on their regional accents. This kind of floored me because I think we stereotype people freely on the basis of either. Unless you sound like a Midatlantic or Southern Californian white person, you are subject to lots of prejudices about your temperament, values and education level. Or am I wrong about that? I just assumed everyone sort of acknowledged that.

21. Which print do you prefer: leopard or zebra?
All evidence points to leopard. I own a pair of leopard-print pumps, two leopard-print bras and a leopard-print skirt I will probably never wear, but nothing in zebra.

22. Would you break up with someone if you thought they were too pompous and arrogant?
Unfortunately, if I had fallen in love with the guy before deciding he was pompous and arrogant, I would probably keep him and just continually rationalize his personality to myself and others. But who knows. I've broken up with perfectly nice guys for less than that.

23. If you saw a hurt animal, would you try and help it?
Yes, definitely, and if I couldn't, I would call Animal Control.

24. Do you think there will be another terrorist attack now that Bush is reelected?
It's irrelevant now, but I don't think the first one was attributable to a weak administration, anyway.

25. Should a license be required to have children?
Wouldn't that be fabulous? Except that, if we were to bother coming up with licensing guidelines, they'd have to be pretty stringent to make the process worth it, and I can't think of anyone who would pass. I have a few standards of my own, requirements I have to meet before I let myself have a baby, and I can think of, literally, maybe two people I've ever met in my entire life who meet all of them. So restricting conception to a license-only basis sounds fabulous, but would backfire in that no one would ever be allowed to have a baby ever again. End of the species.

26. When on an airplane, do you hope to meet someone interesting sitting near you?
All I hope is that I don't get a loud breather. Being trapped next to a loud breather for however many hours makes me want to die.

27. Do you come from a large family?
My immediate family is smaller than average.

28. Would you ever purposely let your country's flag touch the ground?
Purposely? Would I purposely drop it in a show of anti-patriotism? No, but if I had to use it to smother the flames engulfing my child's body, I wouldn't hesitate to do so.

29. Is it difficult for you to decline a date from someone you are not interested in?
Not that difficult. I just dodge and obfuscate. It's rude, but it sends exactly the same message without yielding self-esteem-crushing soundbytes they'll be forced to replay for years to come.

30. Are people in online relationships just fooling themselves?
In general, I'm pretty sure that in any relationship, one person needs or desires the other person more and therefore stands to get his/her heart more brutally broken. Online relationships are no different, and because they also pose the problems of distance and the ease of passing off lies as truth, they are pretty unhealthy for the weaker party. I think they can work out, but only if they eventually turn into in-person relationships. In cases where that doesn't happen, I feel like one person winds up crumpled up in front of the computer, desperately trying to forge a connection, drunk with a box of Kleenex, while the other floats blithely from window to window stringing different people along. But my experience with this is limited.

31. Does it bother you that Rhode Island isn't really an island?
Nothing could bother me less.

32. If Hillary Clinton were to leave her husband, would your opinion on her go up or down?
It wouldn't change, because I don't know enough about her as a private person to have any idea whether that was the right decision or not. To be totally honest, I don't think an instance of empty infidelity should end a decades-old marriage anyway, absent mitigating circumstances.

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Lisey's Story is really annoying in that, here's this theme cropping up again, even our beloved Stephen King doesn't know how to inhabit an authentic, believable woman. The titular Lisey Landon is one part Jack Torrance to two parts Richie Tozier, and the way she expresses herself, her wordplay and the details she does and doesn't notice, are five hundred percent masculine.

Also, the book is too long. I feel like I've been reading it for three weeks and haven't even broken into the last half yet. It's like reading nine different short stories about the same unbelievable character.

I COULD DO BETTER. Urghhh.

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33. Do you ever run with scissors?
Speaking of shitty books.

34. Have you done something illegal today?
Disregarded the speed limit on my drive back from Greenbelt. Accidentally took a sip from a water bottle I'd forgotten I had filled with vodka, long story, while I was standing outside in broad daylight. Other than that, I did okay.

35. Which is worse: being labeled, or being a nobody?
Being a nobody. If someone labels you, and the label they choose is not obviously off, I mean, perception is reality, so it might be worth your while to change something about the way you are perceived to shed the reach of that label. I never understand why people get so nasty about being labeled, anyway.

36. Do you think someone will ever try to assassinate Michael Moore?
No one would bother. He's not the one passing the legislation he promotes through his propaganda-laden films, so it would be a waste of time. And anyway, anti-Moore types need to have the targets of their hate present for the hate to mean anything.

37. What song are you listening to at this very second? (If you aren't listening to anything, turn on the radio.)
What Not to Wear is on, but I'm not really watching, I'm slogging my way through one last bit of Corporations reading before I officially start my spring break with a batch of margaritas. Kind of sucks to start spring break the day after the last snow melts, and I'm not going anywhere beachy this year, but whatever, at least we have margaritas.

38. Would you rather have a square or a round pizza?
I would rather have Ledo's, which is more rectangular.

39. Are you afraid of being famous for doing something stupid?
That would suck, yes. Writing a shitty novel and watching it go down in history as such would be reason enough to commit suicide, I think.

40. If the Pope has a liver transplant, is he still infalliable?
The word is actually infallible, and you'd have to ask a Catholic person.

41. Has the world really changed that much since 9/11?
"A LOT," answers the person who took this survey before me, and as with many of these questions, which she answers inconsistently and pretty ignorantly, I really can't tell whether she's being sarcastic or sincere, whether she even cares, or whether she genuinely doesn't know what any of these questions are talking about. For the United Nations question, she said "Oh, that's a hard one," and that was it.

42. Do you think the diary of Anne Frank is genuine?
Heavily edited, but I'd do the same if my daughter's private thoughts were about to enter the literary canon against her knowledge.

43. If your best friend's partner was bisexual, would you approve?
I know some people who identify as bisexual who claim they thrive on the physical and emotional stimulation they get from interacting with both genders romantically. I'd have to feel this guy out to see if he fit that description, because if he really needed to be with guys, too, monogamy wouldn't make much sense, and she'd probably get her heart broken. If not, I wouldn't care. I'd just worry he might not be getting some of what he wanted or needed from her, and that he'd stray.

44. If Satan walked up to you on the street and offered you BBQ Chicken, would you accept his gift?
BBQ Chicken, is that, like, a thing, or just miscapitalized? I don't take food from strangers, and if I somehow perceived that the stranger offering was definitely Satan, meaning I'd been wrong all along to doubt he existed, I would definitely not take his BBQ Chicken, or anything else he offered.

45. Would you say that your country is liked by the rest of the world?
Liked by some, hated by others. Most West Africans and Western Europeans think we are bastards, others somehow disagree.

46. Do you feel like the majority of the world is ignorant?
I throw that adjective around a lot, and I appreciate that maybe it's not as descriptive as I mean it to be. Ignorant of what, what are we talking about, specifically, here? Ignorant of what goes on elsewhere and why? Yes. Ignorant of the pop culture details we deem important here? Somewhat. I feel like the majority of the city I live in is pretty ignorant, and we have a relatively high literacy rate/computer-to-household ratio. So I'm guessing it's worse elsewhere, but that's probably my ignorance talking.

47. Do you help control anger by writing songs, poems, etc.?
Writing, but not songs or poems.

48. Do you view bandanas as gang symbols?
Not necessarily, even though in some cases they are, but because some people do, I have no idea why people let their kids leave the house wearing them. This is another thing that worries me greatly about having kids: the thought that I might not be able to stop them from doing things that might be okay if they weren't minorities, but that I know will make onlookers think they are thugs just because they are black.

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After margaritas comes the Latin Fever party in Adams Morgan. If we're being honest, I would much rather be ordering Chinese food and watching the season finale of What Not to Wear, but we cannot just let our golden years tick away, we have to get drunk and dance to salsa.

The apartment is a wreck. I made some bastardized chicken Marsala two days ago and there's a dusting of flour and oregano about an inch thick across the stove top. Also olive oil pooling in one of the burners. I lit it and it went up in tiny but terrifying flames. I'm going to burn this place down, aren't I?

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49. Do you need to "clean up your act"?
At the very least, my kitchen.

50. Do you have a celebrity crush?
Currently, I am interested in James Franco of previously indie fame, who rocked Milk and is actually pretty funny in Pineapple Express. Still hot for Stacy London, too, will be sorry to see her go for the summer after tonight.

51. Are you a good storyteller?
Better than average. But, again, selfish with my characters, my details.

52. Are your computer speakers usually turned on?
No, because like a teddy bear, my computer tends to travel with me and is rarely actually plugged into the docking station at my desk. Also because I can barely function without the TV on, and there aren't many opportunities to just sit around listening to music except on the train or whatever.

53. Do you have a life dream that no one else knows about?
My dreams are pretty transparent. I want to fix the public education system, I want to advocate for battered children in Termination of Parental Rights cases, I want to fall in love and have twenty babies, I want to write something spectacular and see it in print. Anything else I might want to do is just passing fancy, nothing I'd sacrifice for.

54. Do puppies melt your heart?
Yes! Those giant paws!

55. Do you think that someone who doesn't drink alcohol AT ALL is weird?
If it's because of personal history or substance abuse demons, no. My paternal grandfather was a raging alcoholic, and eventually died of cirrhosis, so my dad, understandably, is a lifetime teetotaler who lectures me and my brother constantly about how lame it is to drink. And as I'm sure you can imagine, his rigidity on this issue has pushed us in the opposite direction, and we both like alcohol just fine. People who don't drink for religious reasons, I mean, I put that in the same category as abstaining from swearing and premarital sex. To each his own, and who's to say which of us is missing out?

56. Are you a racist scumbag?
I guess I have my moments, like everyone.

57. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Both?

58. Do you think Americans are scared of change?
Not sure what this question is meant to imply. Some Americans are afraid of change, particularly conservatives, hence the term. Those groups change might benefit generally are not, they welcome it. Everyone wants his life to either stop sucking or continue to not suck.

59. Are vegan diets healthy?
I'm not a nutritionist. A lot of vegans look sort of unhealthy to me, yellowish teeth and kind of rough skin, but that might just be because people who choose a vegan lifestyle are also more likely to eschew a lot of cosmetic nonsense, makeup and stuff like that. But that's a huge generalization. I'll stick with I'm not a nutritionist.

60. Do you enjoy watching shows that deal with forensics?
Only the ones that spell out the logic in a very A, B, C kind of way. I do not feel like having to parse out the subtleties on an hourly basis.

61. At this rate, are you going to heaven or hell?
Hell.

62. Could there be a terrorist attack in your area?
Definitely. I'm five minutes from the Capitol and ten from the White House. Also any coastal area is more vulnerable than anyplace in, like, the Midwest.

63. Do you worry about food safety?
No. If no one's around, I happily eat things that have fallen on the floor.

64. Can bitchy behavior be self-justified?
I was bitchy at the bank today, and the teller called me out on it, so I explained it was because he had wasted seven (seven!) minutes flirting with a customer while there were twelve account-holders waiting in line. Bitchiness for its own sake is never okay, but when it's the alternative to throwing a screeching fit in line at Wachovia, it's not so bad.

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I am acutely aware that I haven't had sex in eight days.

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65. Do you have over one hundred people on your buddy list?
No way, I'd go crazy if I had to worry about juggling that many potential emotional reactions.

66. Do you relax when you are around animals?
What the fuck? Does this question suppose animals emanate menthol or something?

67. Would you like to be able to read thoughts?
Only if I could do it selectively. You couldn't pay me enough to read Justin's thoughts, or my father's, or anyone else with whom I shared an emotional investment. I think some people are shitty talkers, and I'd like to be able to decipher those people, maybe shake my own conviction that most people are really stupid. What Women Want is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen.

68. In your opinion, is it wrong to say "Oh my God!"?
I didn't blaspheme much in common because I was constantly in the company of one of two people who took serious offense when I did. It wasn't hard not to when I thought about it, and it mattered more to them than it did to me, so that's how it was. Now that no one in my life cares, it pops out when it pops out, and no, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

69. Do you like your strawberries dipped in chocolate or covered in sugar?
Chocolate.

70. Do you think any hip hop songs have good messages in them?
Of course, a lot of them do. Self-empowerment, creating your own destiny rather than accepting the one the Man prescribes for you, who needs a man when you've got girlfriends, et cetera. But I understand why hip hop gets a bad name among people who don't deal in it regularly, and I resent that some of the filthier artists try to gain broader respect by throwing in one positive anthem among a bunch of noisy, degrading shit.

71. Did you feel sorry for Martha Stewart?
Sorry? No, I barely had time to. Isn't she out already?

72. Do certain swear words just roll off your tongue?
Not involuntarily, and not excessively, but sometimes, yes.

73. What hurts more, knife cuts or paper cuts?
Ugh, they're both awful. I still have nerve damage in my left index fingertip from slicing it open three years ago while cutting the end off a block of fudge. There's a little white strip where I can't feel anything.

74. When you hug someone, do you wrap your arms around their neck or their waist?
If it's pointedly platonic, I go for the waist. If it's a good friend, shoulders. Justin, I go for his neck with one arm, put the other hand behind his head, hop on my toes and plant one.

75. Do you use your mind enough?
Yes, because, you know, law school.

76. Would you rather own a parrot or a hen?
A parrot. Hens are free-range, aren't they, and they shit everywhere, don't they?

77. Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?
One guy, but the funny thing is, he's just an extreme case of the same kind of weird relationship all my friends have with details. I doubt if I know five people who would knowingly enter through an exit door.

78. Do you have any idea what you will be doing ten years from now?
Hopefully practicing law, raising two kids, working hard to keep my marriage healthy and writing something. But probably still screwing up.

79. Do you pre-plan your meals?
Yes, I literally think about them all day long.

80. Pet owners: If your pet was a human, would it be gay or straight?
One gay, the other straight. When we brought the second cockatiel home, the older one repeatedly tried to copulate with him.

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The rest later, I think.