Despertar

my nose is running

Tonight is Justin's birthday party. It's at a nightclub that's a bar on two floors, a Latin dance floor on the other. I'm anxious enough to puke, that's how many things could go wrong. I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry.

*

1. What's your current boy situation?
We're dating, but not exclusive. He isn't ready for a major commitment, and maybe he never will be, but at the moment i can't imagine ever caring about anyone else. Sometimes he does nice things for me, sometimes he forgets I exist for three days at a time. I've had worse but not better, so it's easy to believe this is as good as it gets. I know what people think, but I'm not ready to write him off yet.

2. When's the last time you did something you knew was wrong?
Oh, constantly. You'd have to be more specific as to what level of severity you're looking for.

3. Do you hate the last guy/girl you had a thing with?
Before or including Justin? I don't hate Justin. I don't hate Brandon, either, but I resent him for the lesson I had to learn from him. On the first of our two official dates, he commented, offhandedly, that "most men will avoid commitment if possible," and even at twenty-two, I didn't know that yet, I thought it was just Marcus, and now it's the most painfully omnipresent truth of my life. I don't know how I went so long without noticing all the rhetoric about men and what they will and won't do. I thought they were all basically different and that I had just happened to pick a bad one, the first time. Brandon opened my eyes to the truth behind the stereotypes. I wish he hadn't.

4. Have you ever been out past curfew?
I was too much of a loser when I was a teenager for my parents to give me a curfew. They'd have been thrilled if I had ever had anyplace to go after dark in high school. Now, though, whenever I go home to visit, they subject me to all these inappropriate rules, one of which is my unwritten one o'clock curfew. My dad texts me every five minutes past one o'clock till I come home.

5. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Justin, at the end of Notorious. Not because I didn't know how it would end, just, I don't know. He put his hand awkwardly on my shoulder and made a joke about the "surprise ending," I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up, we never spoke of it again. I prefer that he never find out most things can make me cry.

6. What's your relationship with the person you last texted?
The person I last texted was Meg, and she's the best listener ever.

7. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
A homeless guy standing in front of Justin's apartment building. Maybe even the same one who stole my laptop.

8. Latest you stayed up in the past week? And why?
I was up till four-something night before last, ostensibly to do work, but, as you may recall, it turned out badly, with me freaking out about life and finally crying myself to sleep, only to have a nightmare about forgetting to fill out my conflicts questionnaire, which I then woke up to fill out, at seven o'clock.

9. Do you cry a lot? Have you recently?
See above.

10. Do you think that you're a good person?
Not really, but I tend to think perception is reality, so as long as the number of people who think I'm a good person exceeds the number of people who think I suck, I'm not very worried about it. I don't do anything to hurt anyone else, but I am not virtuous.

11. What was on your mind mostly today?
The party tonight. Not only do I not have any idea what I'm going to wear, it's just confusing, being one of more than a hundred guests he's going to have to entertain, and not knowing what level of interaction he wants from me. Some of them are my friends, too, but I'll be distracted the whole night, trying to read his behavior, figure out whether he wants more space from me or less, when I should stand next to him, when I should back off so he can talk to his out-of-town friends, whether I should buy him drinks all night, whether he'll read that as clingy. And what happens afterward? I'll be walking to the party because it's only four blocks away; do I let him know I walked so maybe he'll offer me a ride home? I'm happy to walk back, but I don't want to sacrifice quality time afterward if he'd be up for it. I don't want to ask for a ride home or hang out past the peak of whatever fun I end up having. If he's got designs of spending extra time with one of his exes or some female college friend or something, which he's perfectly entitled to do per the loose terms of our relationship, is it my responsibility to stay out of the way so that can happen? It's his birthday thing and I want him to be happy, and maybe, just maybe, given that I see him several times a week anyway, the best way to do that would be just to stay home and to let him know he can come by after, if he wants to, but would that hurt his feelings? Et cetera, et cetera.

12. Have you held hands with anyone today?
I haven't seen another human today, no lie. My roommate, I can hear him clanging around in the kitchen, but I've been timing my emergences so I don't have to speak to him. It's my turn to clean the microwave.

13. Where is your number one person on your friends list?
Not applicable.

14. Last thing you and your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend talked about?
His current relationship misery. Ha ha!

15. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
Most definitely not.

16. INTERESTED in anyone at the moment?
Hhhhhh.

17. Have a best friend?
Two of them.

18. Have you had more than three boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
By the term's most liberal definition, I had two over the summer, but that's the most I could juggle. I'm not someone who can feel superlative-type feelings for more than one person at once, by definition it doesn't make sense to me that anyone can, so I'll probably never manage polyamory. When I was dating both Justin and Chris, I was totally prepared to drop Chris the second Justin started acting like a human being. Neither one knew about the other, which I only managed because I was in San Francisco through the whole thing, in contact only by phone. The conscience pangs were a major problem, as was the frustration of checking my phone for messages every hour in hopes of having one from Justin and having ten from Chris, instead. The two experiences, in tandem, were like the perfect road map of every relationship cliche ever.

19. Is a best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend or ex pissing you off at the moment?
Well, he hasn't technically done anything wrong, I'm just anticipating all the terrible feelings he'll throw into the cocktail tonight.

20. Do you have any plans for the weekend?
In about an hour I'll get in the shower, then I'll go out to the party. Then, with any luck, Justin will come back here with me. Then sex, sleep, I'll make breakfast, and I'll drive home to hear my mom's book club trash Oscar Wao.

21. For the rest of the week?
Time to get ahead in all the classes I'm blowing off. The student government elections start Wednesday, and hello deja vu, I have to pretend, again, to be behind the idea of someone I care about turning public servant.

22. Are you in a good mood right now?
No.

23. What's bothering you right now?
I already told you.

24. Are you on medication for anything?
Tylenol Cold for increasingly flulike symptoms. I'm watching the clock to determine when I can take another, wondering whether I can hold out and pop it right before the party.

25. Who was the last person you spoke on the phone for over an hour?
Missing preposition. I'm worried about brain tumors, so I try not to stay on the phone forever anymore, but the last person I talked to for over forty-five minutes was Marcus. The whole girlfriend-moved-to-New-Orleans story.

26. If you were upset, who's the first girl you would go to?
My mom. She always cares.

27. Do you need to say anything to someone?
A lot of things to a lot of people, but I've just scrolled ahead and discovered this survey goes on for about forty more questions. And I have a lot of anxious puking to do. So I'm going to end it here.