The Silent Voices in my Mind

Why Am I Doing This?

Every day I read blogs and articles, I write emails and sometimes forum or blog posts, I take my kids to and from their activities. I issue countless reminders (mostly to my kids). I try to ask everyone I am close to how their day is going (or went) and listen to what they say with obvious interest. I make a point of giving more hugs and compliments than punishments or criticisms.

Some days I watch television programs (they don't count if the television is on for someone else and I happen to be in the room) and some days I read books (again, reading books to others that aren't on my personal reading list don't count). Most days I check in with God and my own conscience. Some days I write on my fiction projects. Most days I help others with their fiction projects. Some days I do household cleaning. Most days I cook at least one of the meals.

These are the things I do that I feel make up who I am. The question I have right now, is WHY do I do these things? Some of the things I do because I am under obligation: cooking/cleaning is a prime example - I despise these activities practically without fail. Most of the things I do because they fit with my personal philosophy that simple acts of friendliness and and love make the world a better place.

To a large degree I do many of the things to show my love for people. I don't care a lick for the intricacies of security alarms but I love to hear my husband talk about things that affect and/or interest him. Sometimes helping others work out plot details is a lot of fun, sometimes it is hard and tedious work, but always it is a way to connect on an active and on an emotional level. Driving back and forth across town doesn't give me any particular thrill but giving my kids (and others) the opportunity to participate in activities makes me feel like I can contribute in a positive manner to the quality of their life. Watching television shows and movies that bore and/or annoy me and reading the same flip-up board book repeatedly is all about experiencing my loved ones' interests and sharing that time with them.

So a huge amount of what I do, the things that I consider defining points in making me "Me", are technically done for other people. Does that make it any the less done for me? I'm not sure. I do most of those things "for" other people because *I* like the way it seems to make *them* feel. With the exception of the things I do out of obligation, I don't do them because I have to, not even out of a sense of "having" to make others feel good. I like making others feel good, *I* feel good when that happens, so I do those things. So - when push comes to shove - am I doing these things for other people, or for myself?