The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Mrs. Snow

Must get moving but have very little energy to do so. How long have I had this flu/cold? Seems like forever. The wee one has missed two days of school now, today being more about precaution than anything else. M. finally spent an entire night in bed, after nearly a month of cough-induced insomnia which has had him curled up on the couch. At six foot three, his time on the loveseat has not been particularly comfortable, nor has it been warm as it sits next to the fireplace. When there is no fire, there is only cold air coming down the chimney and right now it is beyond frigid out there. So, the three of us slept in, which I have been doing more and more lately. What with this chest infection and my gall bladder situation, going to bed at night is always a bit of a gamble. The night before last, a slight ache in my back gave way to full twisted pain, and I took the pain medication I'd been prescribed to numb it. It works, but it takes a bit of time to do so and I almost always feel lethargic the next morning. I am being kinder to my body lately and so far it hasn't forgiven me for my past indiscretions, which have not been excessive in my opinion. But, in the spirit of doing, I will get up and shower, shake off the fatigue and aches and attempt to get some shopping done. As usual I've left it to the last minute.

I hate gift shopping lately. Too many tastes to sate, not enough money to give what I want. Our annual Christmas get-together is tomorrow at Kyla's house, and already I'm feeling tense about it. First off, I owe Cathie for the red leather purse we're all getting for Kyla. Cathie has a secure/high-paying job and doesn't really get that things are tight for me at the moment, so I had to try to be blunt with her about the needless expense of another high-priced purse while trying not to sound cheap and ungiving. Next I owe my sister money for the coffee maker she bought for our mother for her birthday. She went slightly over the agreed upon price, but it's my mother so I can't complain. Next I have all three of my friends to buy for, assorted birthdays and one Christmas gift, and it has been suggested I get them towels because all of them need them. Towels, though? That doesn't seem very interesting, does it? That said, I did make each of them bath salts so I could call it a theme of sorts. Anyway, I'm not into this at all. I'd rather we just get together and eat, except Kyla's son is allergic to nuts and she won't allow much to come into the house. I am making the fruit plate. I have been told that this is acceptable.

Such a fierce mood I'm in, most of it because I'm feeling awful and worn out, but some because I feel guilty for feeling awful and worn out. I'm at home, I get to sleep when I want and I'm still complaining! I don't nap, though. I worry M. will think I'm lazy so I throw myself into cleaning instead. He doesn't say that he thinks I'm lazy, but I know he's worried about me finding a job. Frankly, I like being at home too much and it shows. I can't figure out if it's fear or laziness on my part which has me living such an insular life, but I know that I have worked very hard in the past and was not one to lie about when I did. I need to get over the anxiety at some point. I want to start living properly.

I have to go out to buy the towels and there's not even a slight sliver in me which is pulling for this. If I had no eyes on me, I'd shower, curl up in bed and read a book until I fell back asleep. I'd get up when I felt like it, cook a little, watch a film I love and then I'd listen to music while reading some more. This is what my body wants today. Tomorrow might be a different story.

I keep hearing all these awful stories of people with stomach issues who find out that they are actually dying from some kind of horrid disease. The stories are everywhere, and each time I let myself be duped into listening to one, I come away from it feeling weak in the knees. What if...? Is it really my gall bladder causing the pain in my back? How is this possible? Doesn't my doctor agree with me that my symptoms are a little bit different than the norm? She doesn't seem concerned but should she be? Full-fledged paranoia sets in, my former hypochondriac rises up from the ashes and I begin to think that the aching in my arm is a slow-moving wrath which will eventually claim me. Not just a flu, I think. It's something more voracious, more hungry. I cough, I think I am developing pneumonia. My head hurts, it must be the beginning of an aneurysm. Then, even I get bored of my theatrics. I get dressed, I nibble on grapes. Sure, I might have some sort of illness in my body, but what's worrying about it going to do? Of course, I worry automatically. It's like I'm wired for it specifically.

Must shower. Must go out into the deep freeze of January.

Perhaps this might warm you? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U

It made me smile a little.