Complicated

Tutor

5

I spent my weekend just like I had been ordered to. I wasn’t a naturally rebellious child. I cleaned my room, making it a spotless, tidy living space that made the rest of the house look like a pig sty. I think my parents noticed the rest of the messy house, both eager to blame the other. I mowed and edged the lawn with our ancient lawn equipment. I even weeded the flowerbeds. I was actually quite proud of my accomplishments.

I also read three chapters for US history, jotting notes as I went. I couldn’t do too much about my chemistry and precalculus grades by myself. My dad tried to help, but it only resulted in tears and another arguing match. I was able to convince my parents to get a real tutor for me, rather than have the help of a caring parent.

It was actually more difficult to persuade them than I had expected. They told me that they didn’t want me to treat the sessions as social hour. Although I assured and reassured my parents that school was more important than my social life—even if I didn’t personally think it—they were probably more fearful of reaching an agreement than me actually focusing on my social life instead of school work.

When I walked into Chemistry Monday morning, I went straight to Mrs. Orrender’s desk and asked if she could recommend a good tutor. She smiled and pointed to the kid sitting in the back corner. I turned and looked. She was pointing at Josh. I groaned. Terrific.

My second thought was: I had no idea Josh tutored. He was still a fairly new student and he was tutoring? He must be talented.

I took my seat and nodded a good morning to Josh.

“What? Talking to me now?” He chuckled and continued doing his Latin homework.

I sighed. “Actually, you’re my new tutor for chemistry, so you better get used to me talking to you.”

He frowned. “I didn’t know that you needed tutoring.”

“My grades are awful!”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, with your help, Mr. West.”

He nodded. “Indeed.”

I would have asked him what he meant, but Mrs. Orrender passed out the instructions for the solubility lab. I didn’t have another chance to talk to him.

On the other hand, I wished that I didn’t have a chance to talk to Sarah. All Spanish class, she talked nonstop about her party and how fabulous Matt was. She was also curious about what happened between me and Derek that night. I was reluctant to tell her, but I didn’t hold back any information—I told her his every word and my every response.

I didn’t like the way her eyes lit up as I told the story. She was enjoying the social life and gossip. She was keen for bettering herself. She saw the King and Queen break up, and it became an opportunity.

I was glad that Spanish was easy; today I paid no attention whatsoever.

During lunch, I got a pass to go talk with my Precalculus teacher about getting a math tutor. When I walked into his classroom, Josh was sitting in a front row desk. He twisted in the chair to see who came in the door. He turned away to hide his smile. I sat down in a desk a few rows over.

Mr. Cherney smiled at me. “Do you know Joshua West?”

I nodded. “I know Josh.”

“Excellent,” he said, “well, Josh will be your Precalculus tutor.”

My jaw dropped. “What?! Is there no one else?”

Mr. Cherney chuckled and said, “He’s the best, Micky.”

I glanced sideways at Josh. “What is he not good at?”

Mr. Cherney gave us a puzzled look as Josh hid another smile. “What do you say that for?”

I sighed. “Josh is my new Chemistry tutor, too. It figures that he’d be my Precalculus tutor.”

Mr. Cherney smiled. “Ah, that is ironic.”

I rose to return to lunch, and Josh stood up as well. I thanked my teacher and left. Josh was on my heels. He stopped me in the hallway.

“If you don’t want me to tutor you, I can find someone else.”

I looked up into his blue eyes and said, “I try so hard to ignore you and now I’m paired with you. Be happy that I’ll pay you some attention.”

“So…you don’t want me to find you another tutor?”

I sighed. “Only if the tutor is smarter than you.”

He laughed. “Well, now, if it’s the smartest kid that you want, you already got him.”

I smiled. “Whatever, Josh. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I walked back into the commons room and took my seat by Ron. We still sat with Sarah, Matt, Derek, and the gang, but we were kind of isolated. The gang separated us from Derek, Sarah, and Matt.

Ron asked me where I had been. I told him about my new tutor. Ron looked offended.

“You could have just asked me, Mick. I’d help you anytime.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re too distracted by me.”

Ron grinned. “Maybe.”

I ate my little lunch and downed a water bottle. After lunch, I dragged my feet through language arts. Then, I made an 77 on my US History test.

When I went into the library after school for my first tutoring session with Josh, I found that Mr. West was already present. I felt slightly guilty when he smiled and waved at me. My thoughts flashed to Ron. I was worried that Ron would be distracted by me when Josh was ecstatic that I would even look his way. I pasted on a smile and joined him at his table anyway.

His grin was definitely too happy. “Ready?”

I sat down, dropping my books on the table and my backpack on the floor. “Let’s just get this over with.”

He frowned. “How easy do you think it is going to be to raise your grades several letters? Because the hole you’re in is pretty deep, it’s actually going to take the rest of the semester and lots of hard work and studying. This isn’t gonna be easy at all.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re just trying to scare me.”

He shook his head solemnly. “Completely serious—you realize what I’m saying, right?”

“Unfortunately,” I muttered, turning away from Josh’s penetrative gaze.

“Why do you hate me?” He suddenly asked, leaning back in his chair.

His question surprised me. “I…I don’t,” I stammered. Hating and needing to avoid are completely different…

He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t?”

“No.” Short, sweet, simple.

He nodded like he didn’t believe me but dropped the subject. I smiled, thankful.

“Shall we begin?” I asked.

He smiled wryly. “Certainly. What would please her Majesty to study first?”

I grimaced at the name but desperately explained that the upcoming Chemistry test was looming too monstrously.

“All right…Chemistry first.”

With that, he pulled out his homework sheet and asked me to do the same. I complied. He helped me work through it, using the textbook to explain and to demonstrate the concepts we were studying.

The two hour session disappeared quickly. I must admit that I left the library in fairly good spirits. Josh was kind, smart, and had a very subtle but strong sense of humor. He made learning Chemistry fun and ten thousand times easier; he was an excellent tutor.

I walked home to an empty house. I did a load of laundry and stumbled my way through my homework. Overall, my afternoon was productive. What surprised me though was how good I felt about life. It was odd. I had no man, almost failing grades, and parents that didn’t collaborate well.

However, my positivity began to fade when my parents came home. At first they merely ignored one another. The downstairs was completely quiet as I smelled dinner being prepared. The rotisserie chicken and homemade macaroni and cheese made my mouth water. I felt sorry for my mom—having to work so hard all day and then come home and fix dinner.

Who knows what started it, but in minutes my parents’ silence had reduced to yet again another screaming match. I lost my appetite, throwing my covers over me and thrusting a pillow over my head. I wanted nothing more than to block out the shouts. I didn’t want to lose my happiness.

I eventually drowned out their yelling with my stereo—since I no longer had any headphones. I fell asleep with a headache. Thankfully, I slept dreamlessly.
Tuesday morning, I woke up when my alarm went off and actually got out of bed immediately. I spent several minutes gazing at my reflection, standing at my sink. I liked my out of control dark curls, my freckled and still-tanned face, and, of course, the blue teardrop pendant that hung around my neck.

I decided that I would take it off when my heart cleaved itself in two—or when Derek left, whichever came first. I liked the necklace—maybe not what it reminded me of, but the necklace was nice nonetheless.

I hurriedly dressed myself, going for a more casual look today. I wore a teal blue sweater and black skinny jeans and pulled my hair out of my face with a barrette that read “Michelle.”

Promptly at 6:20 am, my father and I left the house just like every morning. This morning, I studied my father out of the corner of my eye. His clothes were rumpled—like they hadn’t been pressed—at least, they didn’t smell. His hair was strategically combed into two parts, the greater section to the right and the lesser to the left. He needed a haircut—badly. He hadn’t shaved in days either.

I thought how his and mom’s fights were actually starting to wear him out. With a sudden pang of grief, I remembered how in love with my parents I had been before high school. Going to high school really changed my life and my outlook upon it.

Too soon, I was standing in the cold, shivering inside my letter jacket. A handful of us impatiently awaited the bus’ arrival. Not soon enough, the yellow school bus picked us up, enveloping us in her warmth and darkness. I always felt better on the bus.

My feeling of security slipped from my grasp as I stepped off my bus. Here, with all these other kids, I was too vulnerable. I shuffled to first period as quickly as I could, still bothering to nod, wave, or smile hello. I was still Queen. I still had an image to uphold.

To my surprise, my first period classroom was almost empty. The only other student was Marshall. Not in the mood for a chat, I quietly took my seat. My eyes flickered to the clock. I had ten minutes before class started. I sighed and laid my head down on my cool desk—too cool. I crossed my arms on the desk and buried my face in my letter jacket-covered forearms. Ah, I love the smell of leather.

I was so focused in my own little world that I didn’t hear the rest of the class file in or Mrs. Orrender begin the review session. In fact, the next thing that I was aware of was Josh lightly tapping my desk. Woken from my nap, I had to rub me eyes before focusing on Josh’s smiling face. “Wha…?”

His smile widened. “Class is over. Think you can make it to second on your own?”

I frowned. “Impossible.”

A shrill bell rang. At once, the class began streaming out.

I sat up in surprise, frowning. “Impossible,” I repeated.

Josh chuckled. “Well, it’s actually time for second period, and you’re gonna be late if you don’t move.”

“Oh!” I sprang to my feet, scrambling to haul my backpack off the ground. When the strap caught on the edge of my desk, I grunted in frustration.

“Here, let me help.” Josh offered.

Before I could stop him, Josh unhooked my backpack and slung it over his other shoulder. “Let’s go.”

I followed Josh out of my Chemistry class. “I can take that back now.”

My fingers tried to pry his away. His iron grip didn’t budge. He was a lot stronger than he looked.

“Not a chance,” he said, “Just direct me to your next class.”

I fumed. I hated being dependent on another. “Joshua…hand over the backpack.”

“What room number?” Like he hadn’t heard me.

“Joshua!”

“Michelle!”

We stopped in the midst of the crowded hallway, neither giving in. He stared at me; I glared into his clear blue eyes. His eyes were soft and playful. I wasn’t going to win.

“Fine…room A112.” I sighed.

Josh nodded, and we began walking again. When we arrived at my classroom, he smiled and handed me my backpack.

“There you go.” He said softly.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, shouldering my bag. I would have left him in the hallway, but his face told me that he was hesitating, words forming on his tongue.

When he didn’t speak, I reminded him, “You’re gonna be late.”

He shrugged but started walking backwards down the hall. “Bye, Micky.” He called quietly.

A small smile spread my lips. “Bye,” I replied. His eyes never left my face.

The bell rang, and I suddenly darted into the classroom. I took my seat next to Sarah, determined not to talk to her and to stay awake. I needed to focus. Sarah thought otherwise.

“Hey, Micky,” she called.

I glanced at her smirk. What was worth smirking at?

“Hey,” I responded.

“So…Josh West…really?”

I blinked. “I slept through first period. He was just assisting me in…bringing my backpack to second.”

She snickered. “Of course.”

I rolled my eyes. She could believe whatever she wanted to believe. I turned my attention to the board, where my teacher was writing the conjugated forms of the reflexive verb besarse. I cringed. Why did she have to choose the verb that meant to kiss each other? I copied the forms anyway.

“So…” Sarah began again.

“So.” I repeated, my eyes never leaving the board.

“What do you think of Joshua?”

My eyes flitted to her then back to the board. “Josh,” I corrected, “is a fairly nice guy.”

Her ears perked up. She was obviously reading way too much into this.

“Sarah,” I said, now facing her, “drop it. There is nothing going on between me and Josh. I would never date the loser. He just keeps insisting on interacting with me.”

She changed her tactic. “So you’re going for Ron then…”

I shook my head. “Ron’s not my type. Never has been.”

“Well, you certainly lead him on.”

I sighed. Why was it so difficult to talk to her? I said, “He leads himself on. He knows that I’m not really interested in him.”

Sarah shrugged. “We could double date if you did…”

I smiled at her politely and said, “Sarah, at the moment, there are more important things than my social life, okay? Shut it.”

I was harsher than I needed to be, but Sarah stopped talking. I don’t think my words changed her mind. She seemed pretty set on me and Josh or me and Ron. I kept expecting her to start up another conversation, but the rest of the class period passed in silence.

I learned the different forms of reflexive pronouns. Apparently, that was really important—to know those forms. We ended class with a pop quiz over the pronouns. I snuck a peek at Sarah’s. I beat her.

When the bell rang, I left class awake and with personal satisfaction. Precalculus reversed both of these. I struggled to stay awake while taking notes on a PowerPoint presentation. My hand cramped up. When I paused and slid my eyelids shut, Mr. Cherney yelled at me for sleeping in class. I didn’t bother retorting, like a Queen would. I didn’t “sleep” after that.

As lunch neared, I thought about who I sat with at lunch. I thought that maybe Ron and I should sit together elsewhere, but then I remembered what Sarah said about me leading him on and decided that we need to talk. I realized that that conversation was most likely going to end in me eating lunch by myself. I was okay with that. I ate lunch by myself in middle school. If I was lucky, some kid would join me. The day hadn’t really been one for luck on my part, so I didn’t cross my fingers.

I walked in the commons room. Boisterous laughter caught my attention. Sarah was bubbling with giggles, an arm draped around Matt’s shoulder and fingers stroking Derek’s cheek. Derek’s perfect lips curved into a smile at whatever joke had just been told. My appetite fled me.

I picked out a can of apple juice, paid for it, and approached the table. I sat down across from Ron. He gave me a smile.

“We need to talk,” I told him.

Confusion invaded his smile. “About what?”

“Us.”

He frowned. “What about us?”

“I think I’m giving you the wrong idea about us.”

“What do you mean?” He took in a sharp breath. “Are inadvertently breaking up with me?”

“That’s just it, Ron. We were never going out.” I bit my lip.

Ron nodded. “Yeah, so?”

“So, I feel like I’m leading you on.”

“Meaning, you don’t have any intention of going out with me.”

I shook my head. “I never liked you more than a friend, Ron. You’re a great friend, and I don’t want that friendship to go away.”

He smiled. “Mick, you can’t break my heart and still be my friend. Didn’t you learn that from you and Derek?”

I closed my eyes. “I see.”

I heard his chair scrape against the floor as he stood up. I opened my eyes. I looked up at him apologetically.

He smiled grimly. “It was fun, Mick. Thanks for the good times. I hope I’ll see you around.”

I nodded. “Yeah, see you, Ron.”

Ron walked off, tray in his hand. He joined the table that he had sat at previously.

I stood and found an empty table where I could nurse my apple juice. I sipped at the drink, oblivious to the world now. I had done what needed to be done.

I mentally checked my schedule. After school, I had another two hour session with Josh. I knew that I needed to go over the Chemistry study guide. Unfortunately, I had a Precalculus test this Thursday and I didn’t understand a word of the presentation I had taken notes on earlier. I was afraid that two hours wasn’t going to be enough time. As far as my schedule was concerned, other than tutoring, I was free. Maybe Josh would be able to stay longer. I needed to talk to Josh.

I grimaced. I’d never had that thought before. I didn’t like where it could go either. I threw a glance over my shoulder to Derek, who was busily eating the pretzels Sarah was tantalizing him with. A deep ache pained me. Damn. How could I fall for such a shallow guy?

Uh-oh. Sarah looked across the room at me, smirked, stood up and made her way to my empty table, dazzling innocent and unsuspecting boys along her way. I quickly squared my shoulders and dropped my gaze. I really didn’t want a showdown now, here in school. I hid my face in my hands, waiting for her silky voice to begin the fight. I felt the table shake as someone sat down across from me. I refused to remove my hands.

“Hey, Micky.” The masculine voice wasn’t Sarah’s but was still all too familiar.

I looked up in surprise.

Josh smiled at me. “How’s your day going?”

I frowned. Where was Sarah?

As if Josh read my mind, his gaze flickered past mine. “Sarah’s heading back to her table. You’re in the clear.”

I sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

“What was that about, anyway?”

I closed my eyes in response.

“You’re still not gonna talk to me other than during tutoring, are you?”

I opened my eyes and smiled at Josh. “I need to actually.”

He looked curious. His crystal blue eyes were soft, safety—protection abiding in them.

“It’s about tutoring,” I continued, “You see, we have that Chemistry test tomorrow and then that Precalculus test Thursday. I’m afraid I don’t understand the Precal stuff at all. And there’s too much work for the two hours today and then the two hours tomorrow. I was wondering if you could stay later.”

Josh thought a moment. “I can’t stay later today because I have to catch my little brother when he gets off the bus. I might make it work tomorrow, but I’ll have to double-check with my mom.”

When he saw my face fall, he added, “I’m sorry, Micky. You know, we could work during lunch.”

“Not today, Josh,” I said, “There are only ten minutes left of lunch.”

“Oh,” he said, “how about tomorrow then?”

I nodded. “Tomorrow.”

He nodded, chewing his bottom lip—a quirk I had never noticed before. His gaze studied the grey clouds, thickening by the hour. According to the weatherman, snow was due. It never snowed in November.

I found myself studying Josh. His tousled brown hair was shorter than I remembered—maybe he had gotten a haircut—and it seemed to be purposefully untidy. It looked good.

His strong fingers were laid atop the table. He was leaning on the table, toward me. I took a swig of apple juice and suddenly realized he had no food.

Josh’s blue eyes drifted to mine. “What?” He asked, not even a tad nervous.

“You’re not eating.” I stated.

“You neither.” He commented.

“Not hungry.” I said, eyes slipping to my half empty can.

He smiled. “Food day in Spanish.”

I glanced up at him and then quickly lowered my gaze. “Lucky.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked. I could hear the concern in his voice.

I looked back up at him. “Nothing.”

He nodded and let the subject drop. “Nice necklace,” he complimented, “Looks new. When did you get it?”

I was usually not a fan of small talk. Today I wanted nothing more than silence.

“A week ago,” I said reluctantly, hoping that the bell would ring before Josh could interrogate me anymore. I knew that I couldn’t rely on him to stop talking.

“Oh,” he said, politely, “it’s a gift?”

I nodded. I could feel my jaw tighten. I knew what question was coming next.

“From who?”

I swallowed.

“Oh,” he said, like I had responded. “Derek meant well.”

I gave him a shocked look. How did he know? Or was it just that obvious?

“Yeah?” I stuttered.

“Yeah.” Josh gave me a soft smile.

A slight flutter in my stomach made my face warm. I looked up into his blue eyes. His smile faded.

The bell rang. The whole commons became alive, students scattering across the campus. Josh stood, eyes never leaving mine. He nodded once then broke our gaze and walked off, without saying a word.

I watched him walk away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Derek kiss Sarah on her cheek. From zero to sixty in mere seconds, my heart cleanly broke apart.