Enga mellom fjella

Happiness?

Well, yesterday's entry sure laid an egg! And after all that work that went into it.

Maybe everyone was on vacation?

HAPPINESS

I try to call a friend once a month just to be infused with his happiness. He's got extra to spare and like the flu it's catching.

So why can't I be happy? Maybe I inherited the miserable gene. Maybe my shyness as a child was due to trauma blocking me from connection with others that I've always sought. Maybe I wallow too much in the past. I have always dreamed of the future and still do (but have become better at breaking down dream-like goals into objectives), but try now to live more in the present. I can appear to be hopeful but when I'm giddy it's more like manic than real happiness. Do I say thank you often enough for what I have?

I don't know. It's all a muddle to me some days.

So, sometimes reading a good article can help. One that appeared recently at Yahoo had these suggestions:

1. Simplify
2. Slow down
3. Show gratitude
4. Have hope
5. Feel the real
6. By the Rule of Queen Scarlett we are limited to 5. To see #6 please go to this link:

http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/why-youre-not-happy

My thoughts:

1. Losing what I had was devastating. It was if my entire first 50 years went poof. The material things bothered me very little; the loss of friendships, memorabilia, a sense of worth, dreams meant everything. That I couldn't cope enough to ask for others to intervene for a few months while I got myself back together still haunts me. HOWEVER: I do real well with less! I don't have to watch over other people, two houses, bills for this-and-that. I presently have two monthly bills: rent and Verizon. I am caretaker for two windows full of geraniums. They've only complained about aphids and I took care of that.

2. My days are empty of obligations. My social calendar is busy. But ... I can still say "no" when I wish as no one is depending on me. I've always worked best at a sluggish pace. Low physical energy while my mind races in all directions has defined me at times. So slow is better.

3. Am I grateful enough? I didn't know how to say thank-you as a child. This is hard to explain ... I'd rather not have received a gift than have to say thank-you for it. Doesn't make sense perhaps. But I felt this intensely as a child. I wanted nothing of what people had to offer. I struggle as an adult with this concept of thankfulness. I don't think being thrilled over this desk (and I truly am and have told folks) that Liam gave me counts. Gratitude is more a way of living and being thankful for everything. I don't think I've let go enough of burdens.

4. I guess hope lives in the future! I've always done better with this one. But my depression keeps getting in a fight with it! I do think what I do is of some worth ... if only on a small scale.

5. Embrace sadness? Yes, and I can even work through it on occasion. I don't mind melancholy unless it lasts. I don't believe I have to be happy every moment to be happy and even when I'm sad, I can snap out of it. Unless, I'm overwhelmed (1) then all bets are off. What I haven't embraced is myself.

6. I'm good at number 6! When I'm not, I'm truly devastated. It's a major source of my sadness.

To mangle a quote from a movie: "All of us are meant to be happy ... just not me."

Daily tantrum

Like dawn,
I want all things
to glow pink, yawn warmly,
to smile, laugh and jump with glee! Just
not me.

© 2009 Kåre Enga [165.401] 2009-01-07

Just for this entry; composed for the halibut.

BLAH blah EEK blah BLAH blah :

Only screamed out once while moving in my bed. This is an improvement. Back still not better. But,

Yesterday, I walked to Spanish table at El Cazador for a lunch to bid fare-thee-well to Trish and Virginia who are off to Panama this week. I liked the sopito con picadillo. Had a nice time.

Stopped in to say howdy! to some folks downtown but didn't push it and got back across the bridge safely. The temps have moderated and everything is mushy. I was glad there was no wind. A woman stopped me to have me look at the heron standing at the edge of the ice by the rapids. I guess I had stopped her once before to point out a heron to her! Beautiful big grey birds.

Today, I'm looking forward to sushi. It is Wednesday, isn't it? Wonder whether they ever have halibut.

MILLSTONES and MILESTONES:

"First drum set"  is stuck on 98 reviews. Alas, I must focus on other things.

My 'zine is two weeks late in coming out. The longer I wait to bring it out, the more it feels like an albatross hovering over me.

Montana: a rainy 42º at 10:00

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