Julia

Chapter Ten

Time lost all meaning to Julia. Darkness had completely taken over and frost began to settle on the ground when she finally gathered her courage to return to the house. As she opened the door, the only thing she heard was the panting of Jason as he padded up to meet her. There was no light, save for the stars shining in the window and the coals glowing in the fireplace.

Julia moved swiftly and silently, putting more logs on the fire in Eric’s room to keep him warm during the night. She was grateful when he did not stir as she covered him with more blankets. At least she would not have to face him tonight, even if she knew she had to face him some time. She then left his room and finished preparing for bed.

Julia decided not to try to wake him in the morning. Now that he had shown he was truly conscious, he would continue to wake up and be alert on his own. She simply would not speed up the process. If he awoke on his own, she would tend to him. But the less confrontation she had with him, the better.

The next few days went by with minimal contact between Eric and Julia. She fed him twice when he woke up and did his changing at the same time. But other than that, Julia did her best to find other things to keep her preoccupied and as far away from him as possible. If circumstances had been normal, she would simply have watched him sleep when all the chores were done. But now when things were done, Julia simply forced herself to find more things to do. The horses were behind on their work, and Julia worked them more and more. She knew she was pushing herself too hard, but she could not let herself stay still.

She began to feel the quiet stirrings she had felt before she came to the Valley. The wind would stir, racing to some unknown place, with unknown people and new things to discover. She longed to hop onto its back and float away to that distant land. It was a place that beckoned to her deepest soul, and yet her feet were always rooted to the ground. She knew if she were just thought and no material at all, that she would simply be able to transport to that land where the wind continuously journeyed to, and all her life would be beautiful and pure. But she could not. She was simply stuck here in a place she could not fight. A place that messed with her emotions and rendered her helpless.

Julia reminded herself once again of why she had to leave Eric. At least when she traveled alone, filling that thirst to see new lands and gain greater knowledge, she could be free like the wind. She could follow it as she pleased and like the wind, she could not be harmed. She would never catch it, she knew, but she would also know that she had tried.

__________

Julia continued to stay aloof as Eric began to make a slow but full recovery. Every time Julia had to feed him or apply more salve to his wounds, Eric could feel the tension. At times it was so bad he almost regretted telling her how he felt. But he had come too close to dying and never getting to say those few precious words.

In fact, Eric had never realized how precious they were until he realized he might never have the chance to say them ever again. As he sat in bed when she was not there, he contemplated when he had come to feel this way for her. In fact, every time he tried to pinpoint an exact time in the past, it always led to a time previous to it’s self. He always came right back to the very first time he met her, but just as quickly ruled that out, knowing that he could not have loved her then because he had not even known her. He had not even known her name and she had been so dirty that he recalled not knowing exactly whether or not she was truly human.

And so the process would begin again, the accident leading to the time he went away and came back to find her on the floor next to a dead man. This in turn would lead to the days they spent working together, and then to the day he first hired her and on to the time he first saw her on the road near the bridge. Sometimes he wondered if he had loved her from the beginning of time; if some part of him had been aware of her existence, and longed for it as he sometimes longed to jump on the back of the wind and float away from the pressures of life. Away to some paradise he knew had to be on the other side of the wind’s journey. But with her near, he never felt that longing. He always felt content to stay in the Valley with his horses as long as she was there. He feared neither old age, nor infirmity, nor death as long as he could have Julia by his side.

And yet, even though he felt all this, he had done the one thing he could never think of doing with a sane mind. He had pushed her away simply by telling her how he felt. How stupid could he be? He swore silently at himself, telling himself that he should have known better.

She was like a humming bird, small and fragile; the most beautiful yet elusive creature ever. Yet she was stronger than anybody could ever imagine. Time had made her tough as leather, yet womanhood had polished her more smooth and beautiful than any rock you might find at the bottom of the river. She had the depth of the ocean in her eyes, eyes that had seen rough storms and calm nights. It was all these things that he loved about her and more. He only hoped he had not driven her away, that the gap between them could be healed. Until then, he swore would do nothing, nothing, to further that gap.

__________

Eric awoke in the middle of the night. He had been feeling increasingly better every day and had even started walking around and doing little chores. His broken ribs still bothered him a bit, but his burns had basically reduced themselves to faint pink scars.

Julia had become less and less aloof; however, she was not the same as she had been before the fire and Eric knew it was not due to the accident. They could not just sit in front of the fire as they used to do and just talk about things. Now whenever the day was done, one or both of them would spend the time in a different room while the other sat in front of the hearth. More times than not, it was Julia who went to her room, leaving Eric alone in the front of the house with Jason.

One night, Julia woke up freezing cold and decided to go and put more wood on the fire. She quietly got out of bed, wrapped herself in a thick blanket and opened the door to her room. As she went out into the main part of the house, she saw bright light coming from the fireplace. Eric had gotten up apparently just before her and put more wood on it himself. He was sitting in front of it with no shirt on and no blanket.

Is he crazy? He is going to get sick again! Julia walked toward him silently. As she did, the light began to slightly illuminate the pale scars on his back. He had nearly fully healed from his wounds, a fact to which Julia took great pride in her healing skills. The only thing yet to be fully well were his broken bones. Riding was still out of the question for him, it was still too painful and the jostling could hinder the rest of his recooperation, but he could do nearly anything else. She stood behind him for a moment, admiring how strong and handsome he still was despite the scars that now covered most of his torso, arms, and parts of his neck.

“You should be sleeping.” Eric’s voice startled Julia adn she jumped a bit. She had thought he did not know she was there but apparently she had given herself away. She walked up behind him.

“Why are you up? You need more rest than I do.” Her tone came out a little harsher than she had intended it to be. Would she ever quit being so bitter?

Eric knew she was partially right. He was not as fully healed as she was, but he could do just as much as she could at this point, outside of riding at least. “You need your rest just as much as I do, you have been working too hard. I know I am not fully well yet, but you seem to be trying to hold up more than your half of the sky.”
“We need to catch up for lost time.” Julia's excuse was a bad one and they both knew it. It sounded pretty lame coming out of her mouth when she really stopped to think about it. They also both knew the real answer to why she had been working so hard. “You did not answer my question.” she said trying to avoid talking about herself.

“I can’t sleep.” Eric replied before she could ask her question again. “I came out to think.”

Julia took off her blanket and wrapped him in it when she noticed that he was shivering despite the fire in front of him. “I’ll leave you to it then.” Julia headed for her room.

“Julia, wait. I... I want to talk to you.” Julia stopped dead in her tracks and cringed. She did not want to hear anything he had to say but she knew she could not ignore him. She was not that heartless.

“We can talk in the morning.” she replied, hasty to make her escape. If she left it until the morning, she knew there was a chance she could get out of it. She began toward her room again.

“Julia!” Eric raised his voice when he heard her begin to enter her room. Julia paused, her hand frozen on the door to the other room. “Come here.” He said firmly. His voice was calmer, but no less demanding.

Julia sighed and reluctantly walked to him and sat between him and the fire. She wanted to be as close to the heat as possible, but as far away from him as she could get at he same time. This also gave her the advantage. She would be able to see his face in the firelight, but having the orange glow behind her would conceal anything she might be feeling on the outside of her skin.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” Eric's question was plain and simple, yet Julia could not answer him.

“I have not been avoiding you.” she said, looking away from him as she did.

“Julia, you have and you know you have.” He sought her face but she did not answer. There was a long pause and after a bit, he sighed. The silence was so awkward that both of them began to fidget a bit, not knowing what to do next.

The stillness in the air was so thick that Julia felt she could almost swim through it. She began to shiver, almost wishing she had not given Eric the blanket. Despite the fact that her back was next to the fire, the room was so cold that the draft crept under her skin and even the fire could not keep her warm. Eric noticed her shivering. “Come here.” He said. He opened the blanket and offered to let her share it with him.
“I’m fine.” Julia said through teeth clenched to avoid chattering. She knew it was obvious she was not, but she refused to give in to him.

“Julia, I’m not going to bite you. Quit acting like a child!” The comment cut deep. Julia knew she was acting foolishly, so finally, reluctantly, she snuggled up to him.

Julia did her best to position herself so that she could sit without touching him. But the blanket was not big enough to allow that and Eric moved closer, placing her so that he could hold her in his arms and wrap the blanket around both of them. Julia squirmed but Eric was firm. He was not going to let her do this to him anymore. He did not know why his words to her earlier had offended her so, but he was not going to let her continue to hide from him. After a moment she decided that resistance was futile, so she quit moving.

The two sat there, gazing into the fire. Little by little, Eric felt the tension leave Julia’s body and she began to relax into him, enjoying the warmth that came from his strength. The two sat there for what seemed like forever. Julia began to drift off into a semi-conscious state of sleep. It was not until Eric shifted to get more comfortable that she snapped awake again. Maybe I was wrong. She thought to herself. Maybe I could love him. Julia began to ponder how loving him would really hurt her. Nothing had hurt her since she came to the Valley. Nothing but the intruder and even still she had recovered from that. Besides, she could not ignore what she knew she was feeling for him. As Julia continued to think, Eric cleared his throat.

“I don’t know what it is that I said that offended you so much.” Julia sighed, not having realized how much her actions were hurting him.

“It is not your fault.” She replied her voice almost a whisper. “It was my own fault and my stupid selfishness. I’m not even sure why I pulled away from you.” Actually, Julia knew exactly why she had done it, but she did not feel like telling Eric how afraid she was. That was true weakness. Admitting you were afraid, and letting anyone use that knowledge was even more stupid. However, the truth was that she was not sure why she was afraid. The more she thought about it, the more she realized how she had nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

“I know my words startled you, but they were true.” Eric whispered, running his finger through her hair. It felt like fine strands of silk. “They even startled me a bit. I had not thought about it until I discovered I might not ever have another chance to say it again.” He sighed, as if reluctant to go on. “I guess I just always took you for granted. I never meant to hurt you.”

Julia sighed. “I know. I just felt so...” her voice trailed. How could she tell him about all the things she was feeling inside, all the dirty things of her past? How would he understand? He could never understand, no one ever could. But then again, maybe he did not need to know.

“What?” Eric asked in a low voice.

“Nothing. Just, nothing.” She sighed and sat back against him again.

“I wish you would let me in Julia. I love you. I would never hurt you. How do I convince you of that? All I can offer you that you don’t already have is that love, and a promise that we will get through anything together.” Was that a proposal? Eric thought to himself. He decided that even if it was, it did not matter. He knew he loved her and that was not going to change.

He could sense the windstorm of thoughts running around in Julia’s mind. What must she think of all this? He had a feeling that these words were not a whole lot more welcome than the first he had said to her, but at least they came as less of a surprise. He waited for her to respond. When she did not, he wondered if she was asleep.

He shifted her in his arms so that she was leaning back a bit and he could see her face. She gasped suddenly, startled at first when she felt herself start to fall backwards, but then she relaxed again, looking up at him. Julia studied his face and eyes, trying to read what he really felt. The scars on his neck were less visible in the dim firelight. In fact, if she had not known what they were, she might have thought that it was some discoloration from the pale orange light.

His eyes, such sadness and pain she saw there. Was she the cause of that pain? She knew she loved him, why would she not admit it? As she continued to look into his eyes, he began to lean toward her. She stiffened slightly and for a moment and tried to push him away, but he held her tightly. He did not hurt her however, nor was he forceful. She relaxed again, more slowly. Why am I so edgy? she thought to herself.

“I love you.” He said softly. Then he leaned in and kissed her, slowly at first, then more passionate as all the emotion he had been feeling for her poured out of his soul. Julia did not resist, feeling the warmth of his kiss and the love he felt for her come emanating from his arms around her. For the first time in her life, something seemed real enough to be true and eternal, and Julia basked in the warmth she found in that thought. She could feel the roughness of the scars on his bare chest and arms underneath her hands. Somehow their ugliness did not matter to her, as she knew they would to other people. Was this what true love felt like?

She melted in the emotions she felt, caring nothing for the world, and everything for him. It was a feeling that seemed to last forever, and yet only a moment. He stopped and looked into her eyes trying to read whether or not the emotion he felt coming back to him from her was real or imagined.

“You are so beautiful,” he whispered. “I will always love you.” Julia stiffened again, and this time did not soften up. She had heard those words before. They were the last words she heard before her heart had gone cold. Eric saw her mood change and became worried. He tried to hold her close again, to comfort her, but she only pushed at him all the harder.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as tears welled up inside of her. “I can’t. I just can’t!” His eyes darkened with silent fury. What was wrong with her? She seemed to love him, and then she turned around and rejected his gift of love as one would reject an offer for a stab in the back with a sharp stick.

Julia saw his look change and for a moment, she was frightened. “Come on!” He said suddenly standing up. A blast of cold air hit Julia as the blanket fell away. She gasped slightly. Eric reached down and picked her up off the floor by her wrist. “You need to catch up on your rest just as much as I do.” He picked her up as if she weighed nothing, his anger and hurt giving him strength despite some of his still painful wounds.

“Eric put me down! I’m sorry! I didn‘t mean it!” Julia protested trying to make him feel better, but the damage was already done. She knew there was only one thing she could say that would end his anger, but she could not force herself to say it. Even if she could, she knew she could not make it sound realistic enough to make him feel it in his heart.

Eric opened the door to her bedroom and dumped her in her bed. As soon as he was rid of her weight, he groaned, realizing only too late that he probably should not have carried her in. Julia wanted to cry, but forced herself not to. Eric bent over her. She cringed, halfway expecting a blow. But Eric was not like that. He forced her to look at him, then kissed her again. But this time, there was no love in the act. “I hope you enjoyed that. Don’t ever expect me to do it again.” Julia tried to catch her breath. Tears began to flow down her cheeks even though she was trying to make them stay back. But Eric did not see them; he had already left and gone to his room to try and sleep.

Julia sat in her bed and continued to weep silently. What had she done? She knew she had lost him, probably for good. Why was it she could not tell him she loved him, let him know what was truly going on inside her heart? Did she truly not love him after all? Did she only think she did because of his kindness? She did not sit there long. She had to leave. It was no longer a need to escape his love, she could not stand to be near a man who hated her. Besides, if he could not stand to be near her, or vice versa for that matter, they would not be able to work together efficiently enough to keep the ranch going. He would be better off to find someone else who could help him; someone who he could actually work with.

She waited until she was sure he had drifted off to sleep. The wait seemed like and eternity. When she finally heard him softly snoring, she got up silently and packed all she owned. She was glad to have as many warm clothes as she did. That was one thing she could not deny, Eric had paid her well, and these work clothes would make wonderful traveling clothes. They were thick and sturdy enough to last her for quite a while. She also had two cloaks and a good bedroll now. All these she packed in a sturdy backpack that she kept under her bed.

Then she went to the kitchen. She gathered all the things she knew she would need on the trip. Bread, cheese, fruit, dried meat, and a few nuts. When she was done, she had practically cleaned out the cupboards. Only once did she stop, when for a moment she thought she heard Eric coming out of his room, but when she paused to listen, she heard nothing but his soft snoring.

When Julia finally had all her things packed away securely for the trip, she gathered all the money she had and put it in a safe pocket that was hidden in the folds of the backpack. She was glad that she had put a portion of it away each time she got paid. She now she had a good store that was sure to see her through for quite a while.

As she headed for the door, she heard a soft whine. Jason looked up at her as he softly asked her to take him with her. His dark brown eyes seemed to plead that she take him with her. I could really use a guard dog, she thought. She opened the door and let him out, shutting it behind her. The sky to the east was just beginning to turn a bale blue against the black night sky. The cool air made Julia’s nose and cheeks tingle. She quickly walked to the stable with Jason right on her heels. Eric had given her a horse as a gift just before the accident. She decided it would be most useful on her journey. She could make better time through the mountains and it would give her just one more companion.

She quickly let the mare out of her stall and saddled her. She had a beautiful tan body, with a black mane and tail. Julia had always favored the animal to all the rest, and so Eric had simply given her the animal. The mare’s name was Jadeadell and the two had bonded well during Julia’s time at the ranch. Jadeadell knew exactly what Julia wanted with just the touch of a foot or the motion of Julia’s body in the saddle. When Julia had finished saddling her, she put the bridle on and left some money in place of the equipment she took. She was not going to steal anything, nor would she have let Eric give her the equipment had he been there and chosen to. She did not take handouts, not from anyone. She would pay for what she needed or, in the case of the horse, she would work for it. Even though this would leave her with less money to travel with, she needed a good saddle and bridle.

Dawn was just breaking as Julia headed south. She had come from the northern territory, and it was not pleasant. Too many people, all with a story, all with a history, and most with plenty of reasons to make you want to stay far away. She had been raised there and so a part of it would always seem a bit like home, but there were tales of the south. Things were warmer and the people were a little backwards if not friendly. Maybe she could do some ranch handwork as she went. What she would do when she got to the south, she did not know, but she was sure she would be all right.

As the sun came up, Julia listened to the birds chirping. There were fewer of them now, most had headed south, just like her, escaping the onset of winter. She wished she could escape the cold frost forming in her heart. Maybe she would.

She stopped Jadeadell and turned around to look one last time at the ranch. The sun was just beginning to hit the house. It’s light glinted off the front windows and blinded Julia momentarily. She put her hand up to shield her eyes and glanced around once more at the place that she had come to love so much. Then she turned the horse and whistled to Jason, who was chasing something through the grass. He came bounding toward her as she mounted and kissed Jadeadell into a full gallop. She did not look back again.