The Mess Love makes

Chapter Thirteen: Baby Be Mine

Chapter Thirteen

         Hayley was exhausted. Her date with the court room had been drawn out stupidly long over bail and other mind-numbingly boring details. She was conscious of her deeply black under-eye-shadows and the bulge around her eyes that screamed late night crying to her well coiffed colleagues and disapproving judges. She hated the waistband of her skirted suit – the restrictions reminded her that she didn’t really want to breathe, she just wanted Alex to love her. She wanted it so much she had totally ignored any work she had needed to do, calling his answering machine obsessively to listen to his voice. The shame of her actions kept her mouth in a thin line, and she jumped guiltily every time she heard footsteps outside her office (‘do they know how pathetic I am? That I can’t do my job because he doesn’t love me??). Sick of feeling swamped and ashamed, Hayley stared mournfully at the over flowing in tray. Taking a deep breath, she began to work her way through them. Halfway through the pile, she found a large stack of information. Thumbing through it, she realised that she had been placed in charge of the defence in the crown court, for a woman who had been accused of murdering her husband. Guilt flooded her. She had been so wrapped up in her own trivial problems that she was now two weeks late on starting the case, and someone’s innocence and life could be judged wrongly for her self pity.

Quickly, she immersed herself in the case, studying every particle of information she had been given. It felt good to wrap herself up in someone else’s problems instead of crying over her own. It was an interesting situation, and everything pointed towards her client being ‘guilty’ after all. Yet Hayley was convinced that she was innocent. Not only was it her job to believe and prove it, but certain statements the accused had given under pressure made her believe that the woman was more distraught about losing her husband than of being accused of killing the man she loved. That sounded like love to her. Surely when you love someone you could never hurt them?

The phone rang. Hayley picked up her headset and clamped it quickly over her ears, pressing the flashing red button that alerted her to a call.
         “Miss Cherél, you have a visitor.”          
         “Who is it?” Hayley said into her headset absently as she pored over a document.
         “A Laura Jones, Miss Cherél,” said the secretary dutifully. “Shall I send her up?”
Hayley bit back a groan. She didn’t want to see this woman, who still seemed to be unable to curb her rising chirpiness, which although sometimes refreshing, could also be seen at other times as bordering on psychotic. ‘But,’ Hayley thought reluctantly, ‘She is the sister of the man I love. Even if he doesn’t love me, I can be courteous to those he does love because I care about him.’
         “Yes, send her up.” She said dismissively, hearing the buzz that said her visitor had been let through the foyer door and into the office. “Oh, and Shirley, whilst you’re at it, could you get Eric to set me up an appointment with Carly Barquel – I think she’s being held at the normal…”          
         “Mr. Litham is out today, but I can leave a message for him to pick up first thing tomorrow?”
         “That’s fine. Thanks.”
         “Carly Barquel, you said?”
         “Yes.”
A faint scratching of a pen found its way over the phone line.
         “Have a good day, Miss Cherél.”
         “And you Shirley. Thanks again.”

         The knock at the door signalled Hayley to look up finally from her paper work, and take off her head set.
         “Come in,” she called in an occupied manner as she carried on taking notes on the case.
Laura opened the door, and walked in, her normally smiling face swollen with tears. Hayley’s thoughts automatically jumped to Leo, on Auto pilot.
         “What’s happened? Have you and Leo had an argument?” Hayley asked, pretending to be concerned as she indicated that Laura should sit down on the chair opposite her. Laura stayed standing, ignoring the invitation to seat herself. Her hand strayed to her bulging stomach from the late stage in her pregnancy, and she shook her pale face. Hayley’s mind raced through every other possible scenario – she was having pre-natal depression, she was feeling alone, her mother was ill, Alex was … ‘Oh God.’ Hayley’s mind screamed. Her thoughts suddenly stuck like a broken record, ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God…’
         “What’s happened to Alex?” she asked slowly, rising from her seat with the same slow tempo as Laura looked up, trying to catch her breath.
         “He… he…” she took a deep breath to steady her shaking voice. “He didn’t pull through his operation, Hails.”
Hayley stumbled over her chair and the edge of the desk as she rushed towards the other woman.
         “What operation?” she asked frantically, her heart icing over in fear. “Why did he need an operation? Is he …Oh my God.” She stopped suddenly as she finally took in Laura’s last words. She had been so worried at the word operation that she hadn’t understood their meaning.
Laura had dissolved into tears. She stood, silently shaking with her grief. Hayley grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her once.
         “Tell me it’s not true… this is a joke, right? He’s just outside, waiting to come in and…”
Laura didn’t fight her companion’s bruising grip. Hayley stumbled back, falling into an empty chair. She was stunned. She was shocked. She was so hurt she never could imagine that she’d ever felt pain like this in her life… and then she just stopped feeling. She watched dispassionately as Laura bent double, one arm pressed hard into her stomach as she began to scream in this horrible, muffled, hacking manner that made Hayley want to cover her ears. She watched the sister of the man she loved cry and vent her rage, and she couldn’t help but think ‘Jesus. Calm down – it’s only a prank. You do overdo things, Laura.’

She began to frown as the woman in front of her showed no signs of relenting and admitting to having played a joke on her. Instead, Laura seemed to be having trouble; unable to stop herself from crying. It began to dawn on Hayley that the news she had brought might be true. And at that moment –

         “Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.” She began to mutter, repeating herself, her fingers gripping the edge of her chair. Alex was… Alex couldn’t… Alex didn’t… It was unthinkable. Of course he was coming back. He… Hayley began to whimper, before her mouth shut like a trap and she began to take charge of the situation.

         “You should… you should sit down. In your condition. You must take care of yourself.” She managed to mumble through numb lips at the pregnant woman as she tried to guide her to a chair. Laura’s hands tightened on her 8-month bulge as she tried to control her own hiccups.
         “I don’t want to… I-I just d-” she sniffed imploringly. “D-don’t want to do anything but c-cry.” Her hands rubbed her belly absently. “He – he was g-going to b-be the God-f-father, you know?” she said, beginning to cry again. “Now he won’t even get to meet his niece.”
Hayley nodded absently, placing her hand on her own stomach which felt like the black hole.
         “When did he…”
She couldn’t bring herself to say the words.
         “A couple of hours ago… he went in for surgery and just never came back out…” Laura lifted her head and wailed loudly. “Why?! Why Alex?!” she screamed, throwing her hand into the wall. Suddenly, she gasped and stopped, stumbling to her knees.
         “Oh my God, Laura, what’s wrong? What…” Hayley stumbled over the words as she noticed the darkened colour of the carpet around the woman on the floor.
         “I think the baby’s coming, Hayley… oh God, Hails, help me…” Laura said faintly, doubling up as she convulsed in a heavy contraction.
         “Oh my God!” Hayley said as she fell to the floor, trying to help Laura back to her feet. “Help, help us, oh God, someone help us!”

One of Hayley’s colleagues came bursting into the room, having heard the screams from down the corridor.
         “Hayley…”
         “Ron! Oh my God, don’t talk, call an ambulance…”
         “Why? What do I tell them?!” the stunned man gabbled frantically as he rushed past the two women on the floor to get to the office phone.
         “Tell them to hurry,” Laura said through clenched teeth as she panted in between convulsions, “or you’re going to have to deliver a baby right NOW!”

Ron swallowed and began to dial frantically.

         “Shhh,” soothed Hayley in a hysterical voice, “It’s gonna be ok, it’s all going to be ok…”



*  *  *  *  *


         The ride to the hospital was quick, and as Hayley came off the phone from telling a subdued Leo to hurry, she found Laura pressing a fold of paper into her hand.
         “What…?”
Laura clenched her teeth against the pain of another contraction.
         “He…” she breathed hard against the ebbing pain “He wanted me to give you this.” Her words were cut short by the sharp shriek she uttered with the baby’s imminent arrival. “Last time I saw him he…”
         “Shhhh, it’s ok. Breathe.” Hayley said, putting the paper into her pocket and focusing her attention on the pregnant woman.

Leo met them at the hospital. As the nurses rushed Laura into the Labour ward, he ran to catch up with them, and joined Hayley in following the wheelchair as she answered the doctor’s questions. Just as they began to disappear through the swing doors, Hayley stopped running and stood, letting the couple have this moment as theirs (albeit shared with nurses and medical staff) without her interference. She sighed with a mix of relief and longing as she watched the doors close, and began to turn away when…
         “Hayley!”
Leo was making his way towards her, jogging in his anxiety to get back to his wife’s side. He stopped short just in front of her, and pulled her into a hug.
         “Thank you.”

And then he was gone, running like the athlete he was brought up to be, racing through the doors and towards the screams of his lover. Hayley started to smile, thinking she should call Alex, tell him his niece was on her way, and maybe when he saw her again he would…

… not be there because he couldn’t, because he was dead and oh how that realisation hurt. The tears didn’t even spring to her eyes – she was shocked and the disbelief and the wanting and the wishing that it would be untrue stilled even her heart. How can tears possibly fall when you can’t even breathe?

         The folded piece of white paper was remembered long after she had sat down on the shiny, green leather seats of the waiting room. Pulling it out with trembling fingers, Hayley traced her name, written in blue biro, on the front. She unfolded it carefully, despite her impatience, lest she should tear it and ruin the last words she would ever have from her darling, darling Alex.

         ‘My beautiful, dearest Hayley,

If you are reading this, I guess I am no longer here to tell you everything I have to say, unless for some stupid reason I feel a need to show you that I really, really mean it when I say I never stopped caring.
Today I go into the operation that will begin the rest of my life, or (god forbid) end the one as I know it. And I guess, yeah, that it does sound dramatic, but, hey, I’m a guy on the edge of his death bed, I reckon I’m allowed to be.
If I don’t see you ever again, it’s because you’re reading this and I’m      dead.  It’s even hard to write the word – I dread not being able to come and find you and to tell you that I love you. So I’ll say it now, even though you can’t hear me saying it – I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you more than life. I love you more than death. And I’m so, so, so sorry I let you walk away from me without telling you that. I thought that if I were to let you think that I don’t love you, and I am never able to see you again, you would lead a happier life. And that may be true – it may not. But I’m going to be a selfish man here Hails – I can’t die without telling you the truth. I love you. I never stopped loving you – not even close. I never will stop loving you – I’ll love you until we meet again and then I’ll love you some more.
I’m not a man who easily believes in God and heaven and hell, Hails. But I want to, so much. Not because I’m afraid of dying, of not existing at all – but because I can’t bear the thought of never seeing you again.
I may not ever be able to stop loving you, Hails, or ever stop thinking about you, and I will (wow what a cliché but I hope it’s true) – I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS be with you. But I need you to… well not forget me, but to life your life to the full. And if that means that you fall in love with someone else, so be it. I don’t want to ever hold you back – I love you so much more than that. And if what you feel for me is even half of how much I love you, I know you’ll feel now that you’ll never, ever love anyone else – but you will. Don’t be afraid, Hails, because we’ll be together one day (fingers crossed).
I have to go now. Here’s hoping you’ll never have to read this. But in case you do: I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you and I always will,
Forever yours,
Alex
Xxxxxxxxxxx’


         And now she was crying, sobbing and hiccupping against the sobs that shuddered through her body. She had finally lost everyone she loved. Oh, and so close to having everything she’d ever needed, the only person who could ever have made her happy. How could she even think of loving anyone else? He was her prince, her saviour, her fairytale come true. Only now it wouldn’t – it couldn’t- come true because he was no longer here. She held the letter to her chest as she heard him say the words over and over again – ‘I love you. I love you.’

It was all she had left.



*  *  *  *  *

         It was grey and dry when they lowered Alex’s body into the earth. Hayley thought it might as well have been raining – her tears combined with Alex’s sister’s and mother’s soaked every tissue available. René looked pale and withdrawn – she had been fond of him too. Leo looked as if he was lost – his brother-in-law had been taken away from him and he had no-one to hide behind. He gracefully held his new daughter whilst his wife wept, and he just looked confused. It was almost as if he were the child - he didn’t understand. How could Alex leave? He had been the strong one. And none of the funeral party knew how to cope without him.

Looking around her at the grief stricken friends and family of the man she loved, Hayley could see just how many lives the gentle man they were burying had touched. ‘And he could have been mine. How blind could I have been, to never know I loved him? Life has been cruel, but never as cruel as it feels now.’

She returned later, after the wake had finished, after the burnished, dark wood coffin had been covered by fresh earth, and the marble headstone put in place. Falling to her knees, she ignored the fact that the damp earth would be caking her trousers. All that mattered was that she was near to Alex. It wasn’t the same, stroking cold mud than that of cuddling into his warm arms, but it was as close she could get, short of digging him up and lying beside him in his coffin. It even seemed like a welcome idea.

         “You promised me.” She whispered into the cooling air. “You promised.”
She waited, expecting a reply. Of course, the grave stone gave out none. So she carried on. “You promised you’d never leave me, you promised that you weren’t ever going to go anywhere, you promised! You promised!”

She stopped, suddenly aware that her voice had risen into a high pitched wail. She felt stupid. Anyone could have heard her.

A cloak of weariness engulfed her, and her embarrassment fell away. She didn’t care. How could she care? The love of her life was gone.

         “Hayley?”
         “G’way.” She said, entranced by the marble tombstone in front of her. She wanted to be alone with Alex. Just the two of them, like it had always been.
         “Hails.” She looked up to see Laura standing beside her, holding the newborn little girl. “It’s time to get up. We’re going home. I want you to come with us – stay with us for a while. I don’t want you to go home alone.”
Hayley shook her head, exhausted.
“I won’t be alone. René will be there.”
“Come and stay anyway.” Laura urged. She hesitated, but carried on. “I know you loved each other.” Hayley looked at her for the first time. Her eyes were red from crying, and she looked older and wiser than Hayley ever remembered seeing her. ‘I still look at her like she’s the little girl who stole my boyfriend,’ she realised. ‘But she’s not. She’s grown up.’
“You do?”
Laura smiled wanly.
         “I always knew he loved you. And it became obvious that you were in love with him.”
Hayley looked at her hands.
         “I didn’t even realise it until I was too late.” She said numbly. “I loved him all this time, and I was so fixated on the fact that you were with my childhood sweetheart, I didn’t see the man standing in front of me all that time.”
Laura knelt down next to her.
         “He died knowing you loved him. That’s all that matters.”
Tears began to trickle again out of Hayley’s tired eyes. She began to sob, and Laura shifted her daughter into her other arm’s embrace so that she could pull her friend towards her for a hug. Hayley rested her head on Laura’s shoulder and looked at the baby as she tried to stop crying. Finally, she lifted a finger and stroked the little girl’s cheek.
         “She’s beautiful.”
Laura smiled.
         “Yes, she is.”
Hayley sat up and dried her eyes.
         “Can I hold her?” The cooing baby was handed over without a word. ‘You have Alex’s eyes,’ she thought ‘I can tell that even thought we don’t know the colour of them yet. And you have Laura’s chin and Leo’s smile.’ “Have you thought of a name yet?”

Laura leaned over to stroke her daughter’s delicate, soft hair. Hayley watched, fascinated as the little being curled her hand around Hayley’s index finger, and held on.
         “I think we’ll call her Alexandra. Alex for short.” She looked up and caught Hayley’s gaze. “I almost wished she was a boy when I gave birth – so I could name him after Alex. But I wouldn’t change her. And she can still remind us of him. And I was wondering… would you be her Godmother?”

Hayley looked at Laura with an open mouth. Godmother to Alex’s niece? To this precious little darling who was gurgling and waving her arms around like the most beautiful, cute windmill in existence? Hayley smiled.
         
         “What do you think, huh, Alex?” she said to the baby, holding her up and looking into her down turned, smiling face. Alex gurgled again, and jiggled all four arms and legs simultaneously. Hayley turned to Laura. “I guess that’s a yes!”
Laura smiled and stood up.
         “It’s getting dark. Will you come home with us?”
Hayley looked again at the baby in her arms.
         “Ok. But I’ll need to let René know.”
         “She can stay if she likes as well.”
         “She won’t.” Hayley said knowingly. “She has to visit her mother.”
Standing up and handing little Alex to her mother’s waiting arms, Hayley leaned forward to kiss the grave stone of her Alex.
         “I love you.” She whispered, so softly only she could hear it being said. “I love you, and some day we’ll be together again. Goodnight, sweetheart.”

And she joined Laura as they walked through the graveyard together, united in their love for the Alex they’d lost, and the Alex they’d gained; for where there is love, destruction does not win all.




The End