The Mess Love makes

Chapter Seven: Reflections

Chapter seven

‘Dear René,
                   Hey, it’s me, Hayley!! I know, I know. I haven’t called. I really haven’t had the time, I’m sorry. You know, I can actually hear you yelling at me now! Alright, alright, I know you don’t want to hear about how I imagine the different ways in which you will get angry with me for not giving you all the instant gossip as and when it’s happening! Well, here goes…

         It’s not a big bunch of roses or a bowl of cherries out here right now. In fact, as far as my life is concerned, it’s more like the compost heap at the bottom of someone’s garden. Yes, the whole rubbish heap is about me and Leo. Or rather, that we are not ‘me and Leo’ any more. God, I miss you! I could do with some of your hard, straight forward advice right now.

         Well, where do I start? When Leo and I arrived here, we met an old friend of his (from some camp he went on when he was fifteen) called Alex (and yes, he’s good looking and lovely and all that… I’m in love with Leo! Yes, even though we’re no longer an item) who has a younger sister about our age called Laura. This sounds like a fairytale, doesn’t it? It ends like one too. The handsome prince (Leo) met the fairy princess (Laura) and they fell in love.

         It’s easier talking about it as if they’re in a fairytale. They’re not anything to do with me – just characters put down on a page. Only I’m in love with one of them. Dear God, René, I don’t know how to tell you what a fool I’ve been. Did you know he proposed? Yeah, you probably did. Leo always did broadcast everything in our relationship to the entire University. It was like being part of a soap opera. I doubt very much if he hadn’t told you the moment he went to buy the ring. Perhaps he asked you which one I’d like? No, I’m certain he did. He’d never have picked anything like that out without you and Chelle to help him. He’d have chosen the smallest one there. It’s beautiful, thank you for helping him! But totally wasted. I said no. But you guessed that, didn’t you? I feel like my heart is completely broken, but I could never have lived knowing he loved someone else when he was married to me. What if I’d married him, and in my destiny there is someone who I’ll love even more, who’ll love me, and only me, in return? Although, to be honest I feel like I’ll never, ever, love anyone else again. I’m totally and utterly devoted to him (and now I feel like Sandy from ‘Grease’).

         You know, I used to think that when you fall in love with someone, you never fall out of it, ever. It’s all green grass, blue skies, strawberries, Champaign, fireworks, roses… So when I was thinking about what I believe, I got to thinking, ‘maybe what this means is that he needs a break? Maybe, just maybe, it’s not the end for us.’ And then I see how happy they are, and I know that he believes that love comes and goes, but sometimes you might just find that it stays. It looks like he has that with Laura – maybe it’s what she believes too? But it also scares me to think that what we feel might be based on what we believe. I don’t want to love him for ever, not if he doesn’t love me…

         I’m sorry. I’m talking about feelings, not events. You must be tearing your hair out with frustration, after teaching me how to tell you all the gossip!

         She’s in the bed I should be in, sharing it with Leo. Probably sleeping with him, which thankfully, is more than I ever did in the last few months. I’ve moved upstairs, to her single bed in the room with her brother. I thought it would be strange, but it’s not. He’s such a nice guy, considerate, sweet – I could almost imagine that he’s you or Chelle (except that the smell of his DKNY no.2 is SOOO much nicer!). Why couldn’t I fall in love with someone like him, huh? But we’re just friends.

         You know, it was so hard to watch Leo and Laura as a couple for the first time. It’s still hard (a week on), but the sharp pain has faded to a dull ache and it only makes me want to turn away, not throw up. Walking into that breakfast room, knowing she didn’t leave the room I was supposed to be in the night before (I spent the night on Alex’s couch), was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I almost didn’t do it, but I hadn’t eaten the night before (obviously, mine and Leo’s plans had fallen through and I hadn’t been hungry), and Alex persuaded me I needed to eat something. So I went in. Seeing them there, sitting so close they could have been sharing a chair, watching Leo feed her that (fairly unromantic) meal just made my stomach turn. But I stayed, and I ate, just to show that I was ok with it. After all, I was the one who said ‘no’ to him, on the basis that he was in love with her. It would have been weird to stop them from being together after saying all that I did.

         I’m ever grateful to Alex. It’s like having you and Chelle with me, only more masculine, you know? He’s such a good friend – I don’t know what I’d have done without him. It makes me homesick for you all, though. It feels so isolated out here, without all of you. And I want Mom, strangely. Maybe only because I know that since the cancer hit her she’s behaving like she’s a REAL mom, not the business woman who had a child at home, you know? Of course you do. I’ve told you all this before. I’m sorry. I think I should go, before I start crying. I haven’t cried once, not yet. It never seems like the right time. There’s always someone around who I really, really, really don’t want to catch me bawling like a baby.

Missing you with all my heart, give my love to Steve and Chelle.

With all the love in my heart,

Hayley
xxxxxxx

         “Alex?”
Hayley came to a stand still, dropping her hand bag on the sofa as Alex held the letter she had yet to post.
         “Sorry.” he answered, dropping the paper onto the desk. “I shouldn’t have read it… I just couldn’t help but read it, you know?”
Hayley gave a twisted smile.
         “It’s ok. I shouldn’t have left it lying around. But it doesn’t matter – it’s only you.”
‘She says that like it’s so trivial – like I mean nothing really.’ Alex knew what he suddenly thought wasn’t true; but it stung him to think that he may never get the chance to love her the way he felt she deserved to be. It was always that damned Leo in the way – always. He seemed to be the reason for all the bitterness Alex felt at that time, keeping Hayley’s heart from being open to his own; tearing apart the relationship he had shared with his sister. ‘Or did we do that ourselves?’ he wondered silently. Would it ever be the same again?

         “Do you want me to post this for you?” he asked eventually, watching Hayley’s figure as she went to her wardrobe and shook out a few clothes and folded them. “What are you doing?”
Hayley looked up.
         “No, its ok, I’ll post it myself. I’m packing – we leave in a week, remember? I like to get a head start on the things I know I won’t be wearing again.”
         “Oh.” Alex answered, bummed out at the thought that their trip was over.
Things would change when they returned to England, and he wasn’t sure if he could cope if he ever lost contact with Hayley. He had fallen in love with her in the short time they’d been in Italy – and even if he couldn’t be with her, to lose her now would be devastating.
         “Maybe you ought to start packing, too.” Hayley added, throwing him an odd glance over her shoulder. The way his intense eyes were watching her was beginning to scare her.
The suggestion seemed to snap her friend out of his trance, and he smiled cheekily.
         “Nah. I’m a guy, remember? We don’t do ‘organised’.”
Hayley matched his smile with one of her own.
         “With me in a room with you, you certainly will do ‘organised’. Or I will be packing for you.”
         “Be my guest.” came the silky reply.
Hayley flicked her hair over her shoulder and studiously ignored him. Alex smiled in victory, and made to enter the bathroom, watching her slight figure out of the corner of his eye the entire time.

When the door clicked shut, he didn’t see Hayley sink onto her bed and look forlornly over at the suitcase open on the floor. He also didn’t see her lean across the gap between their beds and grab his T-shirt from his crumpled covers. And he certainly didn’t see her hug it to her body as if she never wanted to let go.


*  *  *  *  *

         The night before they were due to leave for England, Laura traced Leo’s handsome face as he lay next to her. He opened his electric blue eyes, and rolled over to look at her sleepily.
         “Hey.” He said softly.
         “Hey,” she smiled, caressing his clean shaven cheek with her palm.
         “What are you thinking about?”
         “How happy I am that we’re finally together.” She answered, continuing to learn every crease and curve of his face. She felt his smile before she saw it.
         “So am I.” He pulled her close into his embrace, sighing into her hair. “I really hope Hayley’s ok with us.”
         “Why wouldn’t she be?” Laura hurried to reassure her boyfriend. “She was the one who saw it; she broke up with you because she wanted you to be happy.”
         “Was there ever a man so blessed?” Leo laughed softly.
         “What do you mean?” Laura asked sleepily, snuggling her head into the space between his chest and his chin.
         “Well, to have one woman love me enough to let me go, so that I could be free to love another.”
         “Who happens to love you just as much as the other, if not more.” Laura added quickly, her eyes fluttering open.
Leo leant away from her body, and grasped her chin in his broad hand, asking her silently to look at him.
         “Don’t you think that I know that?” he asked her gently, his eyes probing hers. “Don’t you think I realise that, and thank God for it every day?”

Laura swallowed, melting at his touch.

         “I thank God every day for you, too.”
         “I love you.”
         “And I love you.” she replied without hesitation.
With contented sighs, the two blissful lovers curled themselves around each other again.
         “Laura, I have to warn you. My father wants me to be engaged by the time I’m back in the UK, or he’ll try to make me marry some girl he picked out for me – but it’s ok. We don’t need to make that sort of commitment yet.”
         “So what will you do?” Laura asked, fully awake now.
         “I’ll just tell him the turn of events. He can’t force me to get married to the girl he wants me to marry.”
         “He could cut himself off from you.”
         “He’d come round.”
This time it was Laura who moved away from him, cupping his face with her hands.
         “Do you want to get married?”
         “I do, if it’s with you.” Leo replied truthfully. “I love you Laura, and I was readying myself for marriage before this.”
         “Then you should ask me to marry you.” She commanded with a smile.
Leo sat up, looking down at her beautiful face staring up at him happily.
         “Are you serious?” he asked incredulously.
         “You don’t have to,” started Laura as she sat up. “But you can, and I will say yes. I love you, and I won’t have your relationship with your father ruined because of me.”
         “I don’t want you to marry me for my father’s sake.”
         “I’d marry you because I want to. I’m using your father as an excuse.” She said, only half teasingly.
Leo stared at her, and then wet his lips.
         
         “Laura Dean-Smith, will you marry me?”
         “Yes!” she cried, knocking him backwards as she flung herself at him. “Yes, yes, I’ll marry you!”
         “I love you,” Leo murmured into her neck.
         “Come here,” she replied, meeting his lips with hers.

  *  *  *  *  * 


         Hayley watched as Laura leaned her head on Leo’s shoulder, smiling happily. He wrapped his arm around her and continued to check for the flight tickets. Alex, in turn, was watching Hayley, a concerned smile playing over his lips. The news of Leo’s swift engagement to Laura had hit her pretty hard, although she tried not to show it.
         “Hey,” he nudged her gently in the ribs. “The flights not long from now. You sure you don’t want me to go back to Knights Bridge with you? I don’t like the idea of you going alone, what with Leo coming home with us to meet my mother and all…”
         “I’ll be fine. Really.” Hayley reassured him, taking hold of his hand and squeezing it gratefully. “Thanks for the offer. I think I have some people waiting for me anyway.”
         “And you know how to take the connecting tram in the airport to the right departure gate?”
         “Yes, I’ll be fine.” She said swiftly, smiling. “Don’t worry about me! It’s not like you guys will be far, you’re only going to the car park destination. I’ll just hop on the tram to collect my bags from the other side, and then leave through the front entrance. I’ll be fine,” she said again, watching the worry in his eyes. “I promise.”
         “Well,” he said slowly. “If you’re sure…”
         “I’m sure.” She squeezed his hand again, and then let go, walking towards the internal shopping spot.

Alex watched her walk away, his heart still flipping from her touch. He had never thought love could make you feel so great and so low at the same time. He was unsure as to whether he liked the feeling, or whether he hated it. His thoughts kept returning to the letter she’d written to her friend. She’d explained it to him at one point, telling him about how she saw love.
         
“Like a fairy tale,” she’d said, staring into the distance. “It’ll be like magic – the prince and the princess, only better, because it’ll be real.”
         “So you’re looking for a man to come along on his white horse and rescue you, like in that film ‘Pretty woman’?” he’d replied, interested but somewhat bemused.
         “Exactly,” she’d sighed, turning to look at him. “Only so much more romantic. He’ll be my prince, and I’ll never love anyone like I love him, and vice versa.”
His mouth had twitched sadly at a sudden thought.
         “I suppose Leo was your prince?”
She had shrugged.
         “I don’t know. I guess at the time… I mean, I do love him. But I prefer to think of him as my Knight in Shining Armour instead – but the Prince will come along and I will fall helplessly and passionately in love with him, and know that the love I felt for my Knight was only a passing fancy.” She’d looked wistfully at her hands. “I hope that’s how it is.”

Lost in the memories that he’d been building up of her, Alex failed to notice Hayley’s return.
         “Alex!” she called, laughing as she stood directly in front of him.
         “Huh?” he replied in a slight state of stupor, his eyes refocusing on her smiling face. “What did I miss? Did you buy anything?”
         “We’re boarding. You’d better gather your stuff.” She blew the hair out of her eyes as she bent to collect her baggage. “And yes I did buy something. But I’m not saying what now.”
Alex shrugged his shoulders theatrically.
         “Fine then. I don’t care anyway,” he teased gently.
She chose that moment to chuck him under the chin, laughter lighting her eyes.
         “Yes you do. But it doesn’t matter now; we need to get on that plane!”


*  *  *  *  *

         “And you’ll call me when you get home, so I know you’re ok?” Alex asked for the millionth time whilst they prepared to wave Hayley off as she waited for the connecting transport to take her to the other side of the airport, to the front entrance. They had finally arrived in England, late at night, but the airport was still thriving fairly normally with activity.
         “Yes, I promise.” Her eyes slide sideways towards Leo, but he was too absorbed in Laura’s lips for her to want to say goodbye. “Hey, Alex, I have something for you.”
         “What?” Alex replied, pleasantly surprised. “Since when?”
         “Since I went shopping back in Italy’s airport,” she told him with a poke of her tongue as she dug into the leather bag on her shoulder. “Here. No,” she added as he began to tear open the envelope she had handed him, “Don’t open it until I’ve left, ok?”
Alex obediently put the envelope into his coat’s inner pocket. “Ok.”

A rush of air signalled the arrival of the connecting, train-like transport.
         “Well, this is where I leave you.” She glanced again at the still face sucking couple. “Say goodbye to them for me, ok? I don’t really want to disturb… that.”
Alex grinned in appreciation.
         “Sure, I understand. Call me, ok?”
Hayley waved the back of her hand at him, which clearly showed his mobile number in blue biro written across her clear skin.
         “Definitely.” She smiled up at him, and then dropped her bag with a thump to the ground, encircling his neck with her freed arms. “I’ll miss you. Keep in touch ok?”
         “Of course.” Alex told her, a lump forming in his throat. “Hey, thanks again for packing my bag!” he added with a laugh.
She laughed as well, loving the feel of his voice resounding through his chest.
         “That’s ok. It was great being ‘roomies’ with you for a while.”
         “I’ll second that.” He replied, giving her a final squeeze before letting her go. “You’d better leave, or it’ll leave without you.”
         “Yeah,” she agreed with a sigh, retrieving her bag. “Bye!”
         “Bye!” he called after her as she boarded the transport and it began to move. “Bye,” he breathed to himself as he watched her waving figure disappear into the artificially lit airport. He turned to his sister and her fiancé.
         “Hey, Love birds!” he said loudly to gain their attention. The looked up, still holding fast to one another. “Yeah,” Alex confirmed. “She’s gone. But she’ll call later, so don’t worry. Now we’d better get home before our parents go mad with waiting!”

It wasn’t until he was in the car (which Laura had insisted on driving) that he remembered the envelope that Hayley had left him. Quickly drawing it out of his pocket, he looked to see if Leo or Laura would notice; he wanted this moment alone, just him and the card from Hayley. But the couple were involved in a deep discussion in the front seats, so he began to ease open the white paper envelope. He revealed a white card, with a photo she had obviously had transferred onto the front especially. He smiled at the memory – it was one of the more recent photos which she had insisted on developing before leaving Italy. Opening the card, he squinted in the semi dark at its contents.
         ‘To Alex,

         Thanks for everything. I’ll never forget how kind you’ve been to me – thank you for being such a fantastic friend! Will you visit me next week, Friday? Stay for the weekend – I could use the company! And it’s not like we’re not used to sharing the same living compartments (I promise you’ll get your own room, though!). I hope you’ll take up my offer, and come to see me.
         
         All my love,
                   Hayley xxxx

         57 Mourbone Road,
         Knightsbridge,
         CT5 HT1

Alex watched the picture as it faded in and out of the street lamps shining through the window. The yellow glow gave them a sepia tint, and if his sister and her boyfriend had not been engrossed in each other, they might have caught Alex tilting the card to and fro in an attempt to keep their 2D faces in constant light. Trying to memorise her face.

*  *  *  *  *


         Hayley lugged her bag through the arrival gate.
         “Hayley!”
She turned to see two smiling, concerned faces, bearing down on her.
         “René! Chelle!” she called back, relief filling her voice.
The three girls raced towards each other, Hayley dropping her bag, which Steve who had been lurking in the background discreetly went to pick it up for her.
         “Oh, God, how I’ve missed you.” Hayley babbled feverishly and earnestly as she looked into the eyes of her friends.
         “And we’ve missed you. Oh, darling I’m so sorry about your trouble,” Chelle began.
         “But you’re home now Hails, and we’re gonna take care of you, ok?” René finished.
Hayley nodded as her two friends embraced her.

And promptly burst into tears.