The Mess Love makes

Chapter Six: Broken Glass

Chapter six

         Alex sighed through the after-steam of his shower. Towelling down, he opened the bathroom door, and moved across the room to put on a robe, and slip on his pyjama bottoms underneath. Then he sat down again, sighing once more. Laura, lying on her bed holding a book, didn’t even look up. He got up and walked over to the window, sighing unconsciously as he went. Laura rolled her eyes behind his back, glancing up at his broad, slumped shoulders.
         “Alex?”
         “Mmmmm?”
         “Will you stop sighing and just tell me what’s wrong?”
Alex looked over his shoulder at his little sister, watching him with a raised eyebrow. ‘She looks so… grown up,’ he thought to himself. ‘But is she grown up enough to understand?’
         “There’s nothing wrong.” He said out loud, before turning back to the window.
         “Ok.” She said, looking down at her book. She’d have said the same thing. “Do you think he’s asked her yet?”
         “Asked her what?”

Through gritted teeth, Laura fought to keep her rising temper.
         “The Question.”
         “What question?”          
         “To marry him, you dork head.”
         “Oh that one. I don’t know.”
He moved away from the window and lay on the sofa, folding his arms behind his head and closing his eyes.
         “Are you ok?” she tried again.
         “Of course I’m ok. Just a bit tired, and my back hurts.”
         “I’ll give you a massage,” she offered.
He smiled and crossed over to her, sitting himself on the edge of her bed. Laying aside her book, she slid herself down the bed so that she kneeled with one knee either side of his lean body. As she worked the muscles in his back, she could feel the tension he was feeling.          
         “She might say no.”

He stiffened, and then turned to her. In that instant, Laura knew something between them had changed. They did not, and could never again, have the relationship that they had sustained for her entire life. Their impressions of the other had changed. There were too many hidden secrets, too much tension.
         
         “Excuse me?”

She fought the urge to look away from those cold, green eyes. She’d never seen him so unreachable. She tried anyway.
         “She might say no.”
         “I don’t give a damn what she says.” He replied darkly, and abruptly stood up to pace the short distance to the window and look sulkily out of it again.
She reached for her book, drawing her own veil of ice around her.
         “Ok.”
         “I really don’t.” she heard him mutter angrily as his breath frosted up the window.

Laura took a deep breath behind him, and snapped her book shut.
         “Then would you tell me why you happen to be staring at the canal?” She asked pointedly. Alex’s heart sank as he realised that she knew. He’d known that she’d known since the beginning of the conversation, but he was too highly strung to give in yet. He wasn’t quite ready to admit it.
         “It’s quite stunning tonight, with the lights on the gondola’s.” he said breezily.
         “Then why are you so tense?”
A pause followed.
         “I’m not tense.” Came the reply, eventually.
Laura leapt up, frustrated. 
         “Oh, will you come off it, Alex!”
He didn’t even turn around. She carried on, letting her own pent up worry and frustration explode on the end of her tongue.
         “You can’t eat; you can’t stop sighing; you don’t even look peaceful when you sleep!”
He turned around.
         “You watched me sleeping?”
She looked away, her lips pursing angrily. He fixed his intense gaze on her, not letting up. Finally, her eyes moved back up to meet his.
         “That’s besides the point.” She snapped.
         “Is it?”

Pacing in exasperation, she felt the anger and restlessness inside of her build up to the point of no return.
         “I hate it when you do that.”
         “What?”
         “Use a rhetorical question on me.”
         “Why? Because it shuts you up, or because you know I’m right?” he spat the words at her like a fencer striking back after a nasty blow from their opponent in a fight for survival.
She stopped pacing and pulled herself up to full height, facing him with flashing eyes.
         “Both.”
He allowed himself a small smile of victory.
         “Stop lying to yourself, Alex.”
That wiped the smile off his face.
         “What?” he couldn’t believe her audacity.
She snorted.
         “Ok. Then at least stop lying to me.”
He raised an eyebrow at her, moving towards her in a menacing manner.
         “Excuse me?”
She looked at him coolly.
         “You’re in love with Hayley, aren’t you?”
He stopped short.
         “Of course not.”
         “There you go again. I’ve seen the way you look at her, the way you talk to Leo…” she began to turn away in disgust.

He stepped forward and gripped her arm.
         “You can’t just pass off the guilt, Laura!”
Now it was her turn to be disbelieving.
         “What?!”
He narrowed his eyes at her.
         “It’s no secret that you love Leo.”
She wrenched her arm away from him.
         “And if I do? At least I can admit it! You call yourself a man, but you’re just a little boy. As if Hayley would ever choose you over a man like Leo!”

He stepped back as if she’d slapped him. His breathing began to sound ragged.
         
         “That was unworthy of you, Laura.”
She lifted her chin to glare into his eyes.
         “Good.”
He matched her glare with his own, battling her will with his own.
         “I warned you… I tried…”
         “Tried? Tried to what?”
         “Tried to tell you that going after Leo was foolish, and that you’d be hurt!”
She stared at him, feeling the sudden exhaustion fill her veins.
         “I didn’t.”
         “Yes you did. You wouldn’t be in the situation if…”
         “I did not go after Leo!”  She screamed at him in abandon.
He blinked at her for a split second, shaken.
         “Oh yeah?”
         “Yeah.” She tried to calm her breathing down.
         “Then why are you in this mess?”
         “Same reason you’re in it.”

Alex looked at her reproachfully for a minute, before turning away to the window. She looked after him, acknowledging her victory.
         “It’s not like we meant for it to happen.” She stated calmly, excusing him, excusing herself. “It just did. Like Mum always told us it would. You can’t control love – it controls you… remember?”
He didn’t reply.
Taking pity on her brother, Laura walked slowly up to stand behind him, laying her hand on his shoulder.
         “We’re in this together, Alex. Whether you like it or not.”
He sighed, leaning his forehead against the window pane.
         “I know. You’re right.” Turning around, he pulled his sister to him, hugging her to comfort them both. “You’re right.”


*  *  *  *  *

         

         “I… love Laura?”

Leo said the words as if to himself, before shaking his head and glaring once again at Hayley. He stood up quickly.
         “How can you say that? I am not in love with Laura!”
She looked at him, and he saw her eyes fill with pity. She rose to try and meet his height, not wanting him to stare down at her like that.
         “Oh really? Stop hiding from it, Leo! How can I say it? You want to know how?!” The pity was gone now; she was almost screaming at him in her distress, her frustration and outrage at the injustice that Love had done to her coming to the fore. “I’ll tell you how! Because it’s true!”
         “Why? Because I kissed her, is that it?! Is that the reason that you accuse me of being in love with her?” he stated his allegation quietly, coolly. Calmly. He felt a dark cloak of numbness drop over him, keeping his rage at bay.
         “Maybe. No. I don’t know exactly why – but it’s all there! The way you look at her, the way you talk to her. The kiss was just the icing on the cake.”
         “Hayley, all guys look at other girls.”
         “They don’t look at them like you look at Laura.”
         “Oh? How do I look at Laura in comparison then?”
She sighed.
         “They look at girls with lust. They see those girls as objects of their fantasies. You look at Laura and see the person behind the face – the soul behind the body. You lust after her … and you love her.”
Leo snorted.
         “And you? Surely I look at you the same way in which I look at Laura?”
         “You used to.” Her mouth drooped sadly, the earnest expression coming into her eyes again. “You don’t… that look… it isn’t there any more.”
He looked away from her.
         “I see.”

Hayley walked closer to him, and took his head in her hands. Staring into his eyes, she rose to kiss him. When she broke away, she saw the numb look on his face.
         “Now. Tell me that you can kiss me feeling the same way you did about a year ago, when things were still good between us.” He opened his mouth to reply. “The truth, Leo. You owe me that much.”
He stared at her, his eyebrows collapsing in a frown of confusion.
         “I… I…” he swallowed. “…I… can’t.”
She took a deep breath, as if this whole escapade was costing her all her life.
         “Now tell me that you still love me.”
His eyes travelled over her face, her hair, her arms resting on his chest. He took a step back.
         “I… can’t.” he whispered, painfully.

Suddenly she began to tremble, clasping her hands to keep them from their mad shaking.
         “Now… now tell me that you don’t love Laura.”
He froze completely. Then he let out a deep breath and sank onto the seat on the side of the boat.
         “Why… why are you doing this?” he asked her pitifully, his upturned eyes full of the raw pain that realisation had burned into him.

She didn’t move from where she stood.
         “Because the truth has to come out. Because I want the best for you… because I still love you.”
         “If you love me… then why are you putting us through this?!” he said thickly.
         “Because it would happen some day. It would have to. You would always be thinking about her… wondering if you did the right thing. I would be an old maid, riddled with jealousy, wanting to know if you were always thinking about her, wondering if I’d done the right thing.”
He didn’t answer her. She came to stand in front of him, lifting his chin so that he looked into her eyes.
         “Now.” She whispered, the tears beginning, knowing what would come next. “Tell me that you are not in love with Laura.”

He looked back at her. Then suddenly, his eyes unfocused, and a dreamy smile lit up his eyes even though the line of his lips were unmoving. Hayley tensed her chest muscles as she felt a sob of uncontrollable anguish flood through her. She knew what he was seeing in his mind – he was seeing Laura. He was seeing her smile, seeing her dancing in the duskily lit restaurant, seeing her look into his eyes before she kissed him.
         “Leo, please don’t make this any harder than it is,” escaped as one of the softest whispers from Hayley’s lips. “Just tell me. Can you tell me that you’re not in love with Laura?”

Leo’s eyes focused again, and those midnight coloured, dream-boat eyes that Hayley had dreamed of all her life swept over her slender form. And this time the answer that came was unhesitating, uncompromising, and unmoving.
         
         “I can’t.”

She sighed, moving to sit by him, exhausted from her withheld agony, still holding back her tears.
         
They sat in silence for a bit.
         “You know what you have to do now, don’t you?” Hayley asked eventually.
         “What?” he asked despondently.
         “You have to tell her.”
He looked up at the stars.
         “Yes. Yes, I do.”
Then he turned to her, sounding like a little child having made a new, astounding discovery.
         “And you can save the ring for her.” Hayley cheered up a little bit at the thought of helping to plan a magnificent wedding.
         “Hayley,” Leo interrupted.
         “I’ll be your wedding planner – Mother can help me.” She carried on, her muscles relaxing a bit. “We could have lilies… and a quartet… and …”
         “Hayley.”

She stopped her ramblings, and turned to him, eyes wide and tired in the moonlight.
         “What? Don’t you want a big wedding?”
He shook his head at her.
         “Hayley, I’ll never, ever give anyone else this ring.” He took the box from his jacket pocket where he had stuffed it roughly, and opened it, taking out the delicate gold band. Staring at it, Hayley felt the muscles in her chest tighten a little to restrict her breathing.
         “I can’t accept it, Leo.”
         “Not even as a token of friendship?”

He took her hand and placed the ring in her palm, closing her fingers round it. She smiled tightly, and then drew it closer to her, fingering the cold metal before unfastening the plain gold chain around her neck and sliding the ring onto it.
         “Thank you. It means more than you know.”
He smiled at her, and traced the curve of her dry cheek gently, noticing no traces of tears.
         “And we’ll stay friends forever, won’t we?”
         “Yes,” she replied, smiling through the start of a tear sparkling in the corners of her eye, and leaning forward to hug him. “Forever.”


*  *  *  *  *


         The knock on the door caused Laura to jump. Alex opened his eyes from where he’d dozed off in a chair, and glanced at his sister before making his way to the door to open it. Scenarios flashed through his mind… the couple finally and permanently reunited… a flash of a ring…
         
A sinking feeling struck his heart, and he reached for the door knob. Fully expecting to see Hayley’s happy face greet him, flushed with joy, with a ‘pleased-with-myself’ looking Leo standing beside her, he was totally unprepared to find himself looking down into a face that was tired and grim and devoid of all emotional energy.
         “Hayley!” he said in surprise, his speech of congratulations suddenly springing to mind, ironically. “Well, I…” he stopped himself abruptly. “Are you ok?”
         “I… I don’t know.” She said numbly. “Can I come in?”
         “Yeah sure!” Alex replied a little too forcefully. Hearing the noise and deciding that it was her cue, Laura drifted into the room, her fluid movements soured with a stiffness of expectation.
         “Hayley!” she started brightly, just like her brother, then stopped looking confused. “Wha… I mean, are you ok?”

Hayley looked at her. Really looked at her. Studied carefully her shiny, slightly wavy hair, her blue eyes, and her open face. A slight tremor of hate and anger licked at Hayley’s heart. ‘What do you have that I don’t?!’ she screamed silently at the girl who stood before her, with the concerned look on her face and her hands twisting to hide her nervousness. Pushing aside the frustration and anger and pain, Hayley unconsciously straightened her back and did what she knew she had to do.
Taking a deep, shuddering sigh, she looked down.
         “I’m… errr.” She coughed suddenly. “You need to go and talk to Leo. He’s in our – his – room. He… he needs to tell you something.”
         “Me?” she said, her eyes widening.
         “Yes.” Hayley lifted her eyes to meet the younger girls. “You.”

         The charge in the air between the two women caused Alex to hold his breath. His gaze flickered from each of them, seeing the concern and confusion in his sisters, watching as Hayley’s chin tilted up, strong and proud, belying the look of fierce concentration in her eyes, even as the useless clenching and unclenching of her fingers gave away her helplessness and resignation. Finally, Laura’s expression filtered to show comprehension as it dawned.
         “You mean…”
         “Yes.” Hayley cut her off quickly, not wanting to hear the words out loud.
It hurt.
         “But are you ok with it? I mean it can’t be easy to… well, you know.” Laura cut herself off realising that she couldn’t expect Hayley to be ok with it at all.
         “I’m ha-” Hayley swallowed, unable to say even the basic lie. “I’ll have to be.” She stepped away from the door. “Go. Just go.”

         The blue eyed girl opened her mouth to say something, but seemed to think the better of it. She grabbed her coat and ducked through the door way, head bowed. Hayley waited until Laura’s heels could no longer be heard clicking down the hallway before her hands began to unclench, and her head moved so that she could look Alex in the eye. He had been staring at her, and now ran a hand through his hair, not knowing how to offer sympathy or understanding.
He didn’t understand.
         “So… can I come in?” she asked eventually.
He blinked himself out of his reverie.
         “Of course, come on in.”
She walked into the room, shutting the door with a faint ‘click’ behind her. Alex watched as she suddenly unconsciously slumped, as if tired of trying to appear strong. The proud, fiery gaze was gone – she was just a hurt, saddened girl; shrunk from  being glamorous and classy, to looking old and too small in her light but long blue coat. Alex’s heart leaped out to her, and he walked to her side, guiding her to the sofa so that she could sit. Grateful, she smiled and leaned back, closing her eyes.

Funny how she could still see the stars glimmering off the water’s surface.

         “Drink this.”
Hayley opened her eyes, to receive the glass of wine that Alex offered her. She pulled herself up and took the glass from him.
         “Thanks.”
He picked up his own glass and sat down next to her.
         “What happened?”
She took a large gulp of the red wine and sighed as she felt the alcohol begin to burn at her nerve endings.
         “He proposed.”
         “I guessed as much.” Alex said with a wry smile.
         “I said ‘no’.” she added, as if he hadn’t spoken, staring into her wine glass as if she could see the whole scene playing and replaying in it.
         “Why?”
         “Because he’s in love with-” she hiccupped and scratched her fingers, “your sister.”
         “He said that?”
         “Eventually.”
         “Eventually?”
         “Well, he refused to acknowledge it at first,” she admitted, “but I knew he did, and he knew he did… deep down.”
Alex put down his glass and turned her head to look at him.
         “Was there any other reason?”
         “To what?” she said, holding her breath as his eyes searched hers.
         “To turning him down.”
Hayley felt mesmerised by his gaze. It was as if she hadn’t noticed it before. She couldn’t quite put her finger on the colour; not quite hazel, not quite green.
         “Yes.” She whispered.
Alex felt his heart skip a beat.
         “What was it?” he murmured softly, his fingers grazing her cheek.
         “I just… I just knew it would kill me to live with and love someone for the rest of my life, when they didn’t love me. At least, not the way I love him.”

Alex withdrew his hand as if he’d been scorched.

         “Oh.” He said, trying to come up with something to say, and quick.
Hayley looked away, confused at what had just occurred. They sat in silence for a few minutes, absorbed in their thoughts, and the silence that grew more and more uncomfortable.
         “So what do we do about the rooms?” Hayley eventually asked, keeping her eyes on her drink.
         “What do you mean?”
         “Well,” she reasoned, “I can’t continue to share a bed with Leo if he and Laura are together. I doubt she’ll be very happy about that.”
         “We have two beds up here,” Alex suggested gently. “Either Leo could move up here and you and Laura could share the bed…” he saw her shoulders tense, “…or Laura moves downstairs and you move up here.”

Hayley thought about it. She didn’t like either – imagining sharing a bed with Laura made her shiver, and the idea of Laura and Leo in bed together made her blood boil. But she knew which she would prefer.
         “I’ll move here, if you don’t mind?” she told him, glancing quickly to read his expression, which had relaxed and was open.
         “Yeah, I think that’s for the best,” he agreed, smiling intensely on the inside. “When? Tonight?”
She shrugged.
         “I suppose. Depends on what they’ve decided.” Her eyes met his, and he read the desperation in their chocolaty depths. “If they’re together… I should hope that we change as soon as possible. I don’t think I could… could…”
         “Hey, hey.” Alex said, watching as her tired eyes filled with tears. He pulled her body into his, and she wrapped her arms round his shoulders, the product of her pain seeping warm and wet through his t-shirt. He held her close and rocked her body back and forth. “Everything’s gonna be ok. I promise.”
She only sobbed harder. Concern panicked her companion. He was like most men – uncomfortable around crying women, no matter how much they love the woman in question. And Alex thought his heart would burst with the love he felt for her; the tenderness, the protectiveness that he was filled with was like nothing he’d ever felt before.

Yet, he was still uncomfortable. ‘It’s the helplessness,’ he realised. ‘I can’t control this…can’t make her hurt go away.’ The thoughts made him bow his head into her hair with remorse, and love, and a raw surge of sympathy.

Finally, she moved away from him, sniffing a bit. Smiling as widely as she could, she asked the one question that told him that everything was right, and everything was wrong, all at the same time.
         “Tonight?”
He smiled at her.
         “Tonight.”