I'm Studying You

Let 'er eat cake.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BloDep5fyog

Today I put the master plan I concocted into action. With a twist. My buddy's birthday was in March and I forgot I had the birthday card laying around. I couldn't find his address and would forget to ask him, so I guess he never got his card. Oops. My bad, Dave. On the other hand, Jess gets the hysterical card.

So I headed to the supermarket to buy a cupcake and those candles that light back up when you blow them out. And you know, they sell every kind of candle in the freakin' world...squiggly ones, striped ones, jumbo ones, candles that form smoke in the image of Elvis

Costello, not Presley

, name it and it's in the form of a candle. But they had one freaking box of the candles I was looking for. Shame on the big-box supermarkets of the world.

And cupcakes...WTF, big supermarket bakery. Usually by the checkout they'll have a box of 4 jumbo cupcakes on sale or something, which I was going to get and just give the other cupcakes away because I don't eat them

I'm sweet enough as it is

and I doubt she would want 4 jumbo cupcakes.

So no luck. All these tables of baked goods, enough to give me a diabetic coma just from walking through, but no stinkin' cupcakes. Going to the store for cupcakes is no cupcake.

Lame joke alert. My bad.

I get to the last table and, as the angels began to sing and the heavens opened up with all their glory, there too were the cupcakes. Trays and trays of regular sized and even miniature sized, glazed, frosted, filled even. But that's not what I'm looking for.

Discouraged but not undetermined, I strolled through the sweets. Donuts? No. Strudel? No. Pie? No. Then I walked past the birthday cakes. I said to myself "Self, you don't want to buy this chick an entire freaking cake. It's not like you're even dating her and you'll look like an ass walking down the street with a cake...and if you get hit by a car it'll be twice the mess." (I really have to take these things into consideration). And this store makes all types of crazy cakes! Shapes, sizes, colors...one even looked 3-dimensional, like it was supposed to be something but I couldn't figure out what, and it was frosted in like a navy-blue-almost-black color that made it look more like a sculpture than dessert. My search for the perfect tasty treat was starting to look dire.

Ever notice how every time you find something it's always in the last place you look? I was about to take my eye off the display case of cakes/sculptures and head back to the islands of desserts for the sixth time because maybe they put something new out since I was last there five minutes ago when they finally caught my eye...single-serve pieces of cake! Jackpot! Big pieces too, I tell you...bigger than my hand. Wait...I've got kinda small hands...never mind. Chocolate cake to the rescue, it's on.

Checked out and went to fill out the card (which is hysterical, might I add...sorry again, Dave) when it occurred to me that all that I've ingested so far today was a bottle of Mountain Dew and some oxygen. Combine that with the fact I'm using my leg as a table to write in the card and the slight nervousness about actually going through with this, and Jess has a card that looks like it was signed by a first-grader.

And that was nothing compared to when I actually got there. She was there, cashing fools out with their coupons (and the next time some lady says it like "q-pon" instead of "koupon", I will run them over in the parking lot with a shopping cart and I'm not even kidding. Seriously people, there is no "q" in "coupon" and I'm very demanding about this.) and their pencils and rainchecks and substitutions and let's hurry the fuck up here because I'm antsier than usual times 10 and I've got cake.

I put my merch down, dug out my debit card and opened my bag while she continued the transaction. I pulled out the bag I stuffed the box of cake and card into, set it on the counter and said "Happy Birthday". And my God by then I was a ball of nerves so strung you could've wrapped me in shrinkwrap and in five minutes or less would have been able to swim out of it. I could barely enter the PIN to get cash back and I was trying not to look it, which of course enhances the nervousness and puts me under the microscope.

She looks at it, kinda gives me the good smirk and then the sweetest smile ever. I mean, ever, with a sincere thank you that could make even the harshest of serial killers crack and want to pet bunnies. Meanwhile, Joe Cool over here is fumbling with the pen for the touch screen, putting in the wrong PIN, and telling her I haven't eaten yet and have only had caffeine so far today. She laughs and says "Can't function when you don't eat?" "Yes" was all I could think of to say. Luckily there was an old lady behind me who saved my ass by butting into the failing conversation with "Oh, I know what you mean, I'm the same way." Thanks and all lady, but didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to interrupt? (And no, I didn't say that. If I said 10% of the things I think on a daily basis I'd either be dead, in jail, or in a straightjacket.) Collected my stuff (and myself) and told her I hope she has a good day. She thanked me again and I was out like Will Smith's hip hop career.

All I can figure now is that my awesomeness is starting to wear her down, which may force her hand if this other guy she might still be with starts letting his mack game slip. I'll echo the immortal words of Adam Yauch, "Girls with boyfriends are the kind I like; I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike."

I present now somemore Flickerstick, in honor of my accomplishment today. Hope everybody's having a decent day. If not, this song's for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgHnkOpkIUI&feature=related

Peace.