what matters and why

321 times

Please don’t make me start the same conversation that we’ve had at least 320 times this last year. I am well aware that you have no intention of ever changing despite the sincere words that come out of your mouth after I bring up the fact that I haven’t heard from you in over a month. You say what I want to hear… you give me just enough to keep me hanging on a little longer.

You say you’re busy, and I tell you I understand. You have no idea how much I understand busy. I have 2 full time kids, a full time job, a house to care of, bills to pay, never enough money, and an almost legally insane ex husband to deal with on a daily basis. I have no doubt that your life, like mine, is incredibly stressful. However, I have a hard time believing that stress alone prevents you from picking up the phone and calling me every now and then. Especially when the few times I do happen to hear from you, you are with friends in Vegas, in a bar in Manhattan, or boarding a plane to spend a relaxing week at the beach. Whatever it is that’s causing you to be so incredibly busy, I would think that somewhere in between the busy, if you liked me, I would cross your mind and you would want to talk to me.

You do have the right to the argument that my phone works also. You’re pretty sure that my children do eventually go to bed, and that every now and then I do have quiet time in the car, and that my fingers are just as capable during those times of dialing your number as yours are mine. The reason I hold you more responsible for our communication problems is this: 1. You are the guy. You are supposed to call me. 2. As far as I know, you’re the one who is still not completely divorced and has the very complicated life that is taking 20 years to get out of, and that, you claim is always your reason for your disappearing acts 3. You’ve asked me specifically what I need for this work. I’ve told you – call me, pay attention to me, make an effort to see me. (which, by the way, you have miserably failed at- why do you ask to begin with?) Yes, my phone works and I am capable of calling you. But there’s not a good chance that I’m going to do that as long as I feel like I am the only one who is emotionally involved in this… whatever this is.

I have this fear, this sinking feeling in my stomach that sometimes creeps up into my throat until I can’t breathe. The fear is the possible realization that your feelings for me, during this time that we have spent together are not nearly as strong as I had originally assumed. I’m afraid that you would have no problem just falling off the face of my earth the minute you meet someone you like better. You wouldn’t call because, well, you don’t call anyway, but you wouldn’t call and tell me because you wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings. You would just stop all communication, and you would move on.

For the last three years I have completely invested myself emotionally in you. Yes, I am independent and have my own life and my own friends. But in the back of my mind, I’ve always felt like, in the end, I would have you to fall back on. Why? Maybe because you were the first one after I left my husband, maybe because I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved you, maybe because you’ve been the only one I can picture myself starting over with, should I ever want to. I always thought that feeling was mutual. I’m starting to wonder lately how I could have misjudged this situation so badly.

Ironic thing is, I get nothing out of this. We’re not even having sex. I can barely remember the last time we did. I could probably count on one hand the times I’ve seen you this year, and it’s almost August. The last few times we’ve gotten together I’m almost certain you did everything in your power to avoid being alone together so it wouldn’t happen. There was a time when you couldn’t keep your hands off me. I wish I could have that person back if only for a night.

Your actions make it very clear to me where I stand with you. I get your leftovers- if that. I get the three percent of you that’s left after everything else in your life. I feel like you want to see me when you’ve exhausted all other options and have nothing better to do. You started out not completely mine, I should have known then that you would never be. I just would have been more careful had I known how much it would hurt and how long it would take to realize that.

So.. the conversation.. same one, same material. Now 321 times. You won’t change. I know that. I don’t have the power to change you. I can’t make you want me. I can’t go back in time and prevent myself from getting so involved.