I'm Studying You

Wanna think twice? I think not.

I'll admit it. I've been in kinda a funk lately. Generally happens this time every year.

It has nothing to do with being sick but might have to do with being stuck inside by the weather the last couple of days. Finally today has been pretty nice and without a hint of rain. However, there's still a bit of a cloud on my mind that I'll be having to deal with for a bit yet. Bear with me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQfVte5nfg0

Finally managed to go on ESPN on my cell phone and set it up to get alerts from my favorite teams, and even though I have unlimited texting on my phone, I'm still regretting this decision. Since signing up about three hours ago, I've received about 20 texts so far. And I have to say, ESPN's idea of "Breaking News" is most definitely not the same as my idea of breaking news. Chumps.

I usually stick around the house long enough to get the mail. That was another mistake as well. Got my 2nd birthday card so far, and seriously, every year it seems to come sooner and sooner, like my birthday has morphed into some bullshit Hallmark Holiday and stores start setting up for it three months in advance like Christmastime.

Let me repeat for emphasis...I am not a fan of birthdays. Maybe once I start looking or acting or living my age, maybe. But I like things in life that make sense, and me being another year older doesn't make sense. Besides, why assign a digit to someone who's invincible ? Don't go putting a shelf life on this kid.

So I'm not really too upset about the card itself, but I don't know what to make of how it got to me. It came from the married girl that we decided last fall we weren't going to have conversations anymore because it'll only lead to the breaking up of her family. And we haven't...but she's been sending me email forwards lately again and today sent me a card with a really sweet message, which will always lead me to think about any alterior motives. Like, does she only attempt to reach out to me when she's having marital issues? Is she looking at me as a reason to have marital issues? Forget the fact that we're like, "soulmates" and "perfect for each other" and shit; the fact is she's married, we should've never messed around once that ring was on her finger and her second kid was on the way, and she's halfway across the state. So let's just let things be the way they are. But we don't. We're too damn complicated to act like adults. Such is life.

Then there's Jess, everybody's favorite Walgreens maneater. Walked past her today like I didn't see her, and I've got to start doing a better job of that because she caught me today. Walked past her aisle and just as I thought I was in the clear, I hear "HEY!" and my foot hit the ground hard enough that my shoe squeaked, so it's not like I could use the "I didn't hear you" excuse. Damn. I backed up and said "What's up" and she was all like "Why don't you talk to me anymore? You come in, don't say hi, etc..." My mind was rolling its eyes at her hard enough to knock down ten pins at the bowling alley, but I just stood there and stared. "I've been sick this past weekend and earlier this week, and I haven't even seen you." Damn. That was weak but it bought me enough time to reload because all she could say was "Yeah, uh huh, sure" before I smacked her upside the dome with "Besides, I don't like comin' in here and gettin' yelled at." Stuck her right in the think tank.

"Who yells at you?" she asks, like she doesn't know the answer is on her driver's license. "You!" I replied, shocked that she could think anybody else in this company might want to yell at this cool, tiny little glass of B. "I don't yell at you! You've never seen me mad!" she says, like I've never seen her pull off a shitty denial before. "You were yellin' and gettin' mad sayin' I got you in trouble!" I reminded her, and she reiterated that she was not mad while trying again not to lose her breath. I had to switch gears fast to avoid another pile-up at the counter.

"So happy early birthday" I told her. She looks at me and goes "How did you know my birthday's coming?" She must really think I'm some kind of idiot (and she's kinda right about that sometimes) for not thinking I'd remember that her birthday is three days before mine; either that or she just doesn't remember anything because she said something like "What else have I told you?" Selective amnesia, pulled off better than any man ever could. Even the things guys are known for, girls can pull it off so much better. That scares me about the female race.

Told her I would've gotten her a card but that I didn't want to get her in trouble again. Now before I go explaining her response, ladies, please tell me, wouldn't you think that would be a sweet gesture? Plain, simple, nothing fancy, given my situation and standing with this girl.

"Shut up." Damn, she's been practicing her Shakespeare I see.

I tell her not to tell me to shut up (about as nicely as one can, I suppose) and she tells me her back hurts. A few months ago, I would've offered a massage, but girls who tell me to shut up get the gas face and the recommendation of medicated heat pads (and trust me, those shits really do the job when you throw your back out). Meanwhile, some bluehair keeps creepin' up on me and I assume it's not because she wanted a whiff of my aftershave...if she would've gotten any closer I may have tried making out with her if I knew it would've made Jess jealous.

So that's that. So far. No plans for the weekend and limited ambition for anything else. Might otherwise mind my own business today if I can. I know I won't be doing any housework today, but that's a given. Hope y'all are leading more exciting lives than mine. Have a great weekend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdmwmxhHmlg

P.S. You know...I almost feel a whole lot better in the head after getting all that out...