Dear Lucy

November 26th

                                                                                                             November 26th, 2007


Dear Lucy!

I must be in heaven! Oh - my - god!
Again, I'm sorry for stopping my yesterday's entry like that. But I was really exhausted and my head was so blurry, I was barely able to think straight. I am still feeling as if I'm flying or something.

After I finished writing to you yesterday, I took a long shower. Even though it had only been a few hours since I left Dana, it already felt like an eternity and more. I can't describe to you how much my soul is yearning for her. As my body does.

I feel alone and cold without Dana. After that night we spent, how am I ever going to be able to sleep alone in my bed?

By the way, I didn't get much sleep this night either. It's now...wait....07:08 a.m... and I am sat on my bed. I think I must have slept maybe three to four hours. I just can't get comfortable and my heart is sending me all those pictures of Dana. She's still with me. In my heart. But my body feels that she's not here with me. That something – or someone - is missing.

I'm able to smell her perfume on my sheets still.  I can't wait to get to the office and to see her again. My heart speeds up as soon as I think of it. To be able to take her into my arms again.

But I'm also scared. Dana and me haven't talked about any of it yet. What will she say when she sees me? How am I supposed to react? Oh my...I don't know. Actually, I don't even care. All will be so very, very wonderful when we're together again.

My beautiful, sweet Dana...I love you....

I'm crazy. But, tell you what, I like it. To be able to say it aloud. To allow myself to feel this way. Paradise couldn't be a better place than where I am now.

Okay, I better get dressed now. I still have to drive by they gas station. Then off to work and to be with Dana.

Talk to you later.....

Yours,


Myra

P.S.: Am I crazy?



......November, 26th...still...

............Fallen.........Jeez!....it hurts.....
Do you know the story of the Archangel Lucifer? I'm not a christian person and I remember only little things we learned at school about god and all that is written in the bible. One story I remember though. Or, at least parts of it. I know that Lucifer disobeyed or misbehaved and was therefor kicked out of heaven. Having to spend the rest of eternity in hell.
What was my failure? What have I done to deserve this? How are you able to be in heaven at one point and the next moment, before you realise what happened, you get kicked right into hell? I'll tell you...because hell is where I'm standing now.

It's ridicules. Absurd! I was so happy this morning. I had driven by the gas station. With my mind foolishly blurry, I found those beautiful red roses. So, thinking of Dana, I bought them even though they were much too expensive. I didn't care. For all I was able to think of was that Dana would love them. And that it would propably put this georgous smile of hers onto her face. And that was worth anything.

After that I drove to work. The drive still took me the same exact time as every day, but it felt like hours. I had turned the music up, singing and nearly screaming my lungs out. I was so excited about being with the woman I love again. The woman who loves me just as much. At least that was what was in my heart at that moment.

I was whistlening as I made my way up the stairs, flowers in my hands. I didn't even care about the funny looks some of my colleaugues were giving me. Grinning at them in return I kind of danced my way up to our floor. I really must have looked like a total fool.

Thinking about doing a big “tataaaaaaaaa”- entrance I wanted to push open the door to Dana's bureau quickly. But then decided to just sneak in and surprise her. My heart was racing like crazy. My legs were shaking as I dropped my hand onto the door handle.

Opening the door, careful not to make any noise, I stuck my head in.
Dana was stood beside her desk, her back turned towards me. Apparently she was going through some letters, holding them in her hands. Totally absorbed into them.
I grinned, happy that my surprise plan would work. Excited to be with Dana. How my body was screaming at me to just rush over to her, grab her and kiss her. It was kind of hard to instead close the door silently behind me and sneak up behind her.

Biting my lower lip, I quickly reached out with my free hand and placed it over Dana's eyes. That first contact, barely worth talking about, immediately send an elecrtic shock right from my hand down all over my body to my toes. Luckily I had held my breath. That way I was able to fight back the moan threatening to escape.

Dana squeaked, as if burned by a hot flame. Then she did a jump forward, dropping the letters she had been holding. Before she turned around, I lifted the bunch of roses in front of my face, hiding the laugh behind it.

Dana didn't laugh. She didn't even grin. Nothing like this. Would you have expected that? Well, tell you what, I didn't. And, also, I didn't see coming what happened next. Not even in my worst dreams would I have thought of that. Not that I would have been able to dream of anything bad after yesterday.

“What the f**k!?!” Dana exahled, her right hand flying to her chest. The other one she dropped onto her desk, as if to hold herself up. “What are you doing??”

The laugh on my face turned into a grin as I stole a glance around the roses in my hands.
“Surprise!” I held out the flowers, proud of myself and my little 'attack'. “Hey there, beautiful. Roses for a rose!” I dramatically said, knowing that I must have sounded totally stupid. But seeing Dana had immediately brain washed me and words were the last thing I was able to think of. Believe me, the things that my mind suggested instead, had absolutely nothing to do with saying anything at all. What an amorous fool I was!

“No! Don't.”
Dana dropped her hand off her chest and took a deep breath. Looking down to the floor she obviously avoided my eyes. “Don't do that, Myra.”

Her voice sounded cool. Not harsh or angry. Just emotionless. As if we never had talked before. Like I had heard her speak to business partners on the phone. No, not even with them I had heard her use this tone.

It hit me. Right into my middle, leaving me breathless. What was going on? I had just wanted to play! After our wonderful date, wasn't she in a good mood? Like I had been. Wasn't she flying, like me? What had I done wrong?

“Sorry, I just wanted to surprise you. I didn't mean to scare you!” I dropped my hand with the flowers to my side, trying to look at Dana's face. But she just turned to the side, still not meeting my glance.

“You didn't scare me....just...don't do it again...and that....” Now she looked at me. Well, first at the roses and then at me. The gaze she gave me, was like another hit. Just like her voice, it was cold. There was nothing I was able to read in her eyes. The warmth and caring of yesterday was gone, as if it had never existed. “...don't do that either.” Dana finished her sentence. Then moved and dropped down in her chair at her desk.

“I...what...what's wrong, Dana? Did I do something to annoy you?” My voice sounded as fragile as I felt at that moment. I was suddenly naked. Without any protection against the blows coming from Dana. By now my heart had stopped it's fast beating. I felt a creepy darkness crawling up my spine, threatening to take me over. Fighting it down with all my strength I took a step towards Dana.

“Stop. Don't come closer.”

I felt my eyes grow bigger at the command Dana was giving me. Stopping right in track, tears were now filling my eyes. With what did I deserve this from her? I hadn't done anything to her. I hadn't even talked to her since saying goodbye in my car yesterday. And the Dana back then definitely was a different one from the one in the bureau. There was nothing that my brain was capable of imagening that could have been the reason for her behavior. Her sudden change of mind.

“What are you doing?” I heard myself stutter, watching Dana rub her forehead. She leaned back in her chair and looked up at me. No change in her glance.

I frowened, waiting for her to explain to me what was going on. I watched, as she licked her lips, shaking her head slowly. And then her shoulders slumbered. Just the tiniest bit, but I still was able to see it.

Next, Dana sighed.
“I...I'm sorry...but...this...is too much. I can't do it.”
She dropped her hand off her forehead onto her lap. Looking at me without blinking.

The words slowly reached me, but I wasn't able to make any sense out of them. What did she mean with this? Can't do what? What is too much? The roses? Why?

I felt my lips move even though I had no idea what to say to Dana. What did she expect of me now?

“Look. This is so sweet of you.” Dana nodded to the roses in my hands. I dropped my gaze to them and realised how hard my hand was closed around them. Raising my brows, I looked back to Dana.

“So?” It was a single word, but it seemed to have needed all of my energy.

“But, it won't work.” she simply said. I'm not sure if Dana realised what effect her statement had on me. Suddenly the darkness was too hard to fight. I felt it reach over my shoulder, grabbing my throat. Stranglening me. I swallowed. Wishing nothing more than to be in a different place. Anywhere, but where I was at that moment.

Had I heard right? Was she telling me that we won't work? Was that what this was all about? Had I been wrong about all of this? What about yesterday? How could she change her mind so quickly? Had I been so wrong about her?
“But...” was all my mind allowed me to respond.

“No. Don't, Myra. It will not work. I'm sorry. It was a...” Dana stopped and looked away. She bit her lower lip. Trying to find the right words, I assume.

“A what? I don't know what you're talking about, Dana? What is wrong with you?” I asked. Suddenly I was scared of the whole situation. I didn't want to hear what she was about to tell me. It wasn't right. No matter what her words would be, it was wrong of her to even think that way. 'We will work', my mind screamed. 'No matter what it is, we will solve the problem together. We're friends. And lovers. She loves me! God damn it! She loves me!' The voice in my head became louder and I wanted to hurry around the desk. Grab Dana by her shoulders and shake her. Make her see what I knew. What she had showed me yesterday when her gentle hands had caressed my skin. So full of loving. So openly for me to see into her soul. Why did she ignore that now?
Her next words stopped me from really walking around the desk to her side. I had already taken two steps towards her. It was as if I had run against a wall that had suddenly risen right in front of me.

“It was a mistake.” Dana said blank. Her eyes met mine. I blinked, unsure if I had heard correct.

“What?! Are you....” It hurt. Deep inside. As if she just had ripped my heart out of my chest. So cruel. How could she be like that? Her, whom I trusted so deeply. Her, whom I thought to be my best friend by now? Where had all the last few weeks gone? Those times that she had cried in my arms and when she had finally allowed me into her soul? Where was the kind Dana gone that I had fallen in love with? The one who smiled so brightely whenever she saw me? The one who's touch had been so full of careing even before yesterday. This wasn't that woman. Something was wrong. Awfully wrong. How is she able to call what we have a mistake? Simply like that??

“You don't need to say anything. I'm sorry, Myra. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Never did I have any intention to hurt you! I'm so sorry.” Dana shook her head helplessly, closing her eyes. Suddenly her voice had changed. The coldness had disappeared and was replaced by a painful quiver. As if saying those words hurt her as much as they did me.
I knew at that moment that she didn't mean what she was saying. I saw a blink of the other Dana. My Dana. Not the one so cold and heartless. This was her and suddenly I was sure that there was hope. Maybe it was the fear that made her say those words. I would have understood that. If she was only feeling half of what I was, she must have been scared like hell. I, myself, was shaking down to my bones when thinking of how much I cared for her. It is scary to lose your heart to someone like that. Considering this, I was sure I would be able to change her mind. To pull her back into my arms and asure her that everything would be okay. That we would be able to deal with it and that we would work out. She just needed to believe in us. Like I was doing.

Yes, until....well, until Dana spoke again.
“Please forgive me, Myra. But...” Her eyes opened again and I found myself drawn to them. Dana looked so hurt and small. Her eyes starting to fill with tears. “But, I'm not like that. I'm not.”

My mouth fell open. My own tears subsiding in an instant.
She's not like that?!? Like what? Like....me? A lesbian? Was that what bothered her?

And then it hit me. I had been wrong. About her. About us. About...everything. All that time. It all had been just a lie. A game, probably. Yes, you could call it that. A game, nothing more. I had been an adventure for her. A little something to the side. To free her mind from the thoughts of her husband and her problems of her 'real life'. To try out something new, something exciting. I mean, it's not like you get hit on by a lesbian every day. So, why not give it a try too see what it does for you? You will still be able to go home to your family afterwards, right, Dana?!? Is that what you wanted? To see how my world turns? And then, when you find, you didn't like it or when you got the kick you wanted from me, you push me away just like that. It's so easy for you. Damn it! That's the reason why I never ever wanted to date a straight, let alone straight and married woman. It only leads to trouble.

Staring at Dana who was watching me with tears in her eyes, I suddenly felt nothing anymore.

Nothing, but a deep pain. And anger. Anger at her for putting me through this. And why those tears? She has gotten what she wanted.
No need to play anymore. I'm able to see the real YOU now, Dana. Oh, how well you are at this. You shoul have become an actress. I bet you would have been able to make a hollywood carrier!

Feeling the rage inside of me take over, I threw the roses I still had been holding, onto the desk in front of her. Leaning onto the side of the desk, I connected my eyes with Dana's.
“Well, you can still keep them. As a reminder of this little adventure. And of your victory of this stupid lesbian here. Congratulations!”

Dana's look turned from sorrow to a shocked surprise about my sudden outbreak. But I didn't care. I don't. To hell with her! She should be the one suffering, not me.

I turned before she could say anything and left her bureau. I heard her call after me, her voice shaking with panic. But I ignored it. I'm not her toy anymore. Never again.

I left the building, running down the stairs. Not even caring that I nearly fell. It didn't matter. Would I have fallen and got hurt, what then? The pain in my heart was greater than any broken arm or leg ever could have caused.

It hurts...it hurts so much. So very, very much. I feel totally empty and powerless. There's only this pain and anger.
How could she do this to me? She had seemed like such a nice person. So sweet and gentle. So loving. Her touch had felt so real. Sharing myself, in every aspect, had felt like it was the right thing to do. Like it was supposed to be that way. As if we both had only waited to meet and then were supposed to become one. I can still remember how she had felt in my arms. How her heartbeat had filled my ears with such joy and warmth. I had felt it. As if our hearts were beating in the same speed, in the same tact. Different to the world, but the same to us.

How coul I be so wrong? Why did my heart fall for Dana? For a lie? Nothing but a lie.
I never would have thought something like this could happen to me. I had been wrong about Jasmin and me. But that had been different. And it had never hurt like this. Sure, my heart had been broken. But, because I knew we were still friends and that it just wasn't supposed to be, I had been able to deal with it. Now, how am I supposed to be able to deal with this? After I thought, no, after I had felt deep inside my soul that what Dana and me had was special? She had lifted my broken heart and had put it back together. Had allowed me to feel new love after Jasmin. I had trusted her. Only to get betrayed like that.

You have followed me on this journey. Right? Would you have thought that Dana was like this? That I was nothing but an amusement for her? Please, tell me, how could my heart have been so misled?

I love her.

I can't help it. How am I supposed to change that? I need to, now. Because she doesn't love me. Has she ever felt at least friendship for me? Or had that been a lie as well? It can't be. I know it. There was something. It was such a hard journey to take us were we landed yesterday. So many ups and downs. I had held on anyway. Because I had felt that it was worth it. Was I wrong? Really?

It must be. Even though my heart is screaming at me that it isn't like that.

I'm at home now. And I feel so alone. So very alone. I don't know whom to turn to. This city is still so foreign to me. Full of people I don't know.
I have you....but....you're not able to answer me....to protect me from this....

I have cried...not in the car. No. I felt numb then. But after I had closed my door at home, it had overwhelmed me. And I sank to my knees, allowing for the pain to overtake me. There was no one there to catch my fall. I'm alone. And scared.

The phone has been ringing since. It seems all the time. But it must have been at least once every half hour since I arrived at home. The first time I went and wanted to answer it. But when I saw that it was Dana's bureau number, I turned and let it ring. It was like a sting with every call she did.

I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to hear her lies. Just leave me be.

In between, I called the office. I told them that a family member got ill and that I won't be in for a couple of days. They weren't too happy about it but allowed me to take a week off.
I don't want to go there again. Never.

Then I heard my answering machine. I expected Dana to send me a message. But it was Nadja. I ignored her. Not nice of me. But I don't want to talk to anybody. I just can't. And especially not her. I haven't talked to Nadja in over a week. She will wonder what is wrong. I'm sorry for that. But she's not the one to help me now. I'm still alone.

The tears come and go. Hitting me whenever I close my eyes and see Dana's cold eyes from this morning.

I want to flee...get away from here. But where to? Who is it that will rise me from the ground again? The one who would be able to is the one who broke my wings. Now, I need to learn to fly alone.

I will...maybe...one day...not now...not here....

I want to sleep....

I'm sorry, my dear Lucy, for putting you through this as well. I bet, you would have wanted to hear better news from me. I'm sorry. But thank you anyway, for listening. Even if you're only a book. Empty, cold pages. Yet, more a friend than I have anywhere else. Thank you.

The phone is ringing again....should I answer it? No, I don't want to. 

I wil return to you, Lucy. Later. For now, I have to go. I can't stay here.

Yours,


Myra

P.S.: I love her. I always will.