Dear Lucy

November 15th

November, 15th, 2007

Dear Lucy!

Today started really nice. As we had said, Dana came over to my apartment as soon as she had brought Tessa to the kindergarten.
She was wearing black trousers today and a coat, that reaches down to her knees. Plus gloves and a scarf. I had to laugh as I saw her that wrapped up. But she was right to have put on that much clothes. It was freezing outside.

I took us both back to the spot where I had parked yesterday. The sun had already started to come up shortly before Dana arrived at my place. But the panoramic view, with the sun letting the icy town shine in a pure white, was still incredible. The river that is making it's way through our city, was looking like pure gold.

Dana immediately hopped out of my car and walked up to the ledge of the vineyard, that we were parked on. Climbing out of the car myself, I watched her take a deep breath. A cloud of warm air slowly made it's way from her face to the sky.
Hesitantly I made a few steps towards her. Afraid I would break the moment if I was too loud or came too close.

Then Dana looked over her shoulder at me.
“What are you waiting for? Come here.” She held out a hand towards me.

I smiled at her and took the offer more than happily. Grabbing her hand gently I stepped up behind her. Before I could blink, Dana pulled my arm around her and held it in place against her stomach. As she was leaning backwards against me, my other hand slipped around her waist as well and came to a hold on her stomach. Her body fit totally perfect against mine. I took a deep breath. With a sigh I lowered my chin onto her shoulder. Dana lifted one of her hands, that had been holding mine against her, and stroked over the side of my head.
Even though she was wearing her coat, I could feel her stomach muscles rumble, as she laughed happily.

“This is so beautiful!” she exclaimed and then opened both her arms widely to the side. “Look at all this!”

Dana became so excited that she stepped forward and I had to let go of her. I was immediately missing the warmth her body had emanated around me. She was making a squeaking noise as she closed her arms around herself. Rubbing her upper arms, she looked from one side to the other.
“Look at this! Just look!” She repeated. I could hear how happy this was making her.

It was a very good feeling to hear her laugh and watch her being so excited. It warmed my whole body. I smiled to myself and stepped back until I was able to lean against the hood of my car. All the time my eyes staying on Dana.

Then she turned and looked at me.
“Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It's incredible.”

I shrugged my shoulders.
“I was hoping that you would like it.”

Dana nodded and walked over to me. Leaning against the hood beside me, our bodies touched just the slightest bit.
“It's been a while since I have done stuff like this. We just don't have the time for it anymore. Maybe that's normal after being married for such a long time. We used to do things like that though. Travelling and looking at places.”

I listened carefully to Dana's words. They sounded bitter and sad. As if she was really missing doing  stuff like that with Frank. Just finding the time to spend together and bathing in each others company. Without the every day worries always in the back of her mind.

“Plus, there also is Tessa.” Dana laughed. “You can't really do all that travelling and all when you have a child.”

She stole a sideway glance at me. As if to check if I understood. I nodded thoughtfully. Maybe some more single time with her husband would help them in their relationship.

“But, I love my little girl. And I'd give up everything for her.” Dana had turned back to looking over the town.

“I know.” I said silently. A little voice in my head picked up the subject immediately, taunting me with it's words: 'Then why don't you leave Frank for her sake?? Before she gets hurt!'

I stayed silent about that. Instead I carefully asked:
“So, how are you and Frank doing?”

Dana suddenly smiled fully at me.
“Everything is good again. You know, we 'made up' pretty fine.” She pushed her shoulder against mine and winked. A cheeky grin implied to me what she meant.
It wasn't really what I wanted to hear. Not about her doing well again with Frank. That was good and I was happy for her. But about the other thing. Pictures of Dana in bed with her husband (whom I haven't seen until now, by the way). In his arms, his lips planting kisses on her naked skin, his fingers caressing her body.
That was really not what I had wanted to think about. It was like a hit into my stomach. A deep pain  spread from my middle up to my heart. I had to take a deep breath to push it back down. Was it jealousy? I guess I have to admit that it was. Even though there was nothing to be jealous about. I mean, it's not like she's my girlfriend or something. She's married, for god's sake. And that is what married people do. I should really get myself under control better. There is no way I want to feel things like that. Being in love with Dana is one thing. It might be okay and work out. I might sort it out and come to accept it. But if it means feeling this horrible pain inside of me whenever she talks about her husband and that he was gentle with her or something, then it has to end immediately. I don't want this! Basta!

I felt myself blush as the pictures in my mind suddenly turned back into my dream. Where Dana had laid in my arms and not his.
I pushed myself off the car and made a few steps forward.
“That's good. I'm happy for you!” I had pushed my hands into my trouser pockets because they were starting to freeze. Other than Dana, I didn't take any gloves and was now regretting it. Being the hard girl, ai!?!

Dana suddenly stepped up in front of me and reached out her arms to me. She started rubbing her hands up and down my upper arms.
“We should get you back into the warmth. Looks like you're freezing. And I don't want to see you ill again!”

I smiled, a bit embarrassed that she had seen how cold I was. Now that I am thinking about it, I wonder if my freezing like that came only from the weather or more because of the subject we had just had started. Because when she touched me I suddenly was warm all over again. Like magic.

We both stole a last glance over the city and then climbed back into my car. I drove us back to my apartment. First, because Dana had her car parked there. Second, because I needed to pick something up from there as well. Dana decided to come up to my place for a few minutes. We didn't want to arrive at work too early. You never want that to happen!

Anyway, I went into my bedroom to search for a CD-ROM that I had wanted to take to work. Dana stayed in my living room. It took me a few minutes before I could find it in the back of my wardrobe.
When I came back, Dana looked at me curiously. A bit unexpected.

I furrowed my brow as I walked past her into the kitchen.
“What?” I asked on my way.

She followed me and leaned against the door frame. Watching me still in silence. I had opened my fridge to get out the bottle of orange juice. Pouring some into a glass, my eyes wandered to her. I laughed, nervously, as the look she was giving me, irritated me a bit.
“What is it?” I asked again.

She blinked and bit her lip. As if she didn't know how to say what was on her mind.

“You want some?” I asked, pointing the bottle to her. She shook her head no. I shrugged my shoulders, put the bottle back into the fridge and then leaned sideways against it. Taking slow sipps out of the glass, I returned Dana's gaze. It was a bit of a weird moment. And I was really trying as hard as I could to think about what could be on her mind at that moment. I had no clue.

“Who is Jasmin?”
Dana suddenly asked, tentative. As if she was afraid I would snap when I heard her ask.

I felt my eyes open wide, then blink. Where did she get that name from so suddenly?? My heart started speeding up and I felt my muscles tense all over my body. Slowly I put down the glass onto the fridge, watching my hands move. I didn't dare to look at Dana.

Was I scared about telling her that I am a lesbian? Now that I realised that I love her. Would it be a problem for her? Would she be able to read unconscious signs I was giving her better if she knew I like women? Would it change things between u?. Maybe she's not 'into gays'. I don't have that picture of her, but you never know. Would it mean, her pulling back from me? Would she be afraid of touching me or being close to me?

I have never been more scared to tell anybody that I am a lesbian. In one of my earlier entries here, I think I've told you that I try to keep this as normal as possible . That I normally don't go around making my sexuality a big subject. I prefer to live normal and not point it out to everyone. And if someone  finds out about it and can't live with it. Fine. Then leave me alone. You shouldn't be my friend then anyway.

But with Dana it was different. I was suddenly so scared of losing her. Because she means so much to me. Yeah, sure, if she doesn't like me anymore because of that, then I was wrong with her and she's not the person I took her for. But, I think, that would break my heart. It would tare me apart.

I guess the seconds that I just stood there wondering what to say, were kind of long, as Dana pushed herself of the door frame and pointed with a hand over her shoulder.
“I'm sorry. It's none of my business. I just heard her speaking onto the answering machine while you were in your bedroom. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so nosy. Just forget it, ya?”

As I lifted my eyes in horror about Jasmin having phoned me, I saw Dana waving the subject off and turning to leave the kitchen. 

“No! Wait!” It exploded out of me. I made a step towards her. Dana stopped in track and turned.
“She's...my...friend. My very, very best friend. We were...”

I stopped and shut my mouth, as I was struggling to find the right words. Slowly I walked past Dana and into the living room until I was stood right beside the answering machine. With my back to Dana I lowered my fingers to the replay button.

I was scared at that moment. Holding my breath, I was stealing myself to hear Jasmin's voice. How did she get my number? What does she want? That early in the morning? Why is she calling me? I don't want her to call me. It was so hard to get over her and to get her out of my daily thoughts.

I heard, as if in clouds as the tape was rewinding to her message and then the beep before she spoke.

'Hey there, Myra. It's me, Jasmin. Uhm....I guess you will realise this as you hear my voice. You're not at home....I....well....you know that as well....god, this is hard....okay...I just called to....' Jasmin's voice was breaking and there wasn't anything coming on the tape for a few seconds. I almost wanted to turn, when she spoke up again. Hearing her voice, so fragile and sad, broke my heart. At that moment I realised that she still means a lot to me. She will never just disappear out of my heart and life. She's too important. I took a deep breath and listened more. My back still turned towards Dana.

'Phew...I don't know what to say...which is stupid, because that is what I called for, right? You know me, when I get nervous I tend to blabber.'

I had to laugh at that. Yes, that was what had been so cute about her. Whenever she had been nervous to talk to someone, she had started to stutter and talk a lot of nonsense. It was one of the most adoring things about her. Besides a lot of other things.

'Okay, be patient with me....phew....here we go: I am calling because I miss you so much. I keep thinking of you and how empty my life is without you. I'm so sorry for what happened and that we didn't work out that way. I mean, I....god...even if we can't be together this way, I want you in my life still. I can't life without you.....okay, maybe this is a bit much to say on an answering machine. Would it be okay for you to call me some time? Just for a chat, okay? Byebye....'

There was a beep. And then another one. Her voice came up again.
'Oh, yeah, I forgot, my number is 030/256 77 98....bye...'

I dropped my head as I heard the beep again. And then again.
'I love you still, Myra.'

My eyes fluttered shut as my heart was hit by a sudden pain. Why did she need to say that? She didn't need to call at all. I felt my shoulders sink.

“Are you okay, Myra?”
I had almost forgotten about Dana. She came up behind me and laid a gentle  hand onto my shoulder. Pulling me around slowly she searched for my eyes.
“Hey there...”

Dana's voice was calm and comforting. She must have realised that the call had hit a certain spot with me. Immediately she reached out and pulled me into her arms. I allowed myself to sink into that comfort. Sliding my arms around her I hid my face in her shoulder. Her smell warmed my suddenly cold heart.

“It's okay. I'm here for you. Just as you are always for me.”
Dana whispered and stroked over my hair.

Tears deceived me. Instead I just felt lost and my whole world was spinning around me. In the middle Dana, holding onto me. Keeping me in place so I wouldn't get dragged off.

I freed myself from her arms after a few moments. Clearing my throat embarrassed, I took a step back from her.
“Sorry, that was....” I couldn't find the words to describe what Jasmin's call had done to me.

“It's okay. You don't need to say anything.”
Dana smiled at me warmly.

“No, I want you to know. It's not a secret or something. It's just a chapter in my life I thought, I had closed. Finally and forever.”

I drew another deep breath.

“Take your time. When you're ready, I am here to listen.”
Dana encouraged me.

Looking into her warm brown eyes, I was suddenly feeling like nothing could ever happen to me. I wasn't alone. She was keeping all the worry away from me. Holding me safe in her heart.

“Jasmin is my ex-girlfriend.”
I stopped and looked at Dana. Trying to see what this revelation meant for her. She didn't show any reaction, but just watched me with the same caring gaze.
I frowned. What did that mean? She didn't realize what I had said? Was she ignoring it? Was it only slowly sinking into her mind?

“We broke up a few months ago. It was really hard, but I thought I was over her. That she was out of my life. And I have just being able to not keep thinking of her all the time. And then this!” I pointed to the answering machine. I suddenly felt angry at Jasmin, for wanting to complicate my life. Damn her!

“I'm sorry to hear that.” Dana said slowly. “I mean, she sounds like a nice person. Why did you....” Dana made a helpless gesture with her hand.

“Break up?” I asked, rubbing my forehead with my right hand. “Because it just didn't work anymore. We were fighting most of the time. About trivial things. It became too much and we decided to separate. By mutual agreement, you could say.”

I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head no.
“It's not like we broke up in a big fight or something. We just decided it was the best for us. Especially when she found out that she would be able to go to university in Berlin. That was the hint we had needed. We both needed to go our separate ways. She went to Berlin and I came here. That's all.”

Dana reached out and took my hand. Holding it in hers gently, she asked:
“Do you still love her?”

I was taken aback by the question. It hadn't even come to my mind to consider this. As I said, it was a chapter in my life I have closed. And I don't think I want to open it again. Leaving Jasmin, even if that was what we both had wanted, had been too painful. Plus, being with her and fighting all the time, had been just as painful. If not more. Breaking up and going my own way, was what I had needed.
Of course there had been a thought in the back of my mind that maybe we could get together again one day. As friends. That's how we had started, after all. But as lovers? No, never.

“No, I don't.”
I said quickly. Too quickly for Dana.

“Are you sure?”
She asked, raising a brow sceptically.

“Yes. I mean...no....I do love her. I will always do. She has been my best friend long before we came together as...” I was scared to say the word. Dana wasn't reacting any differently since she heard that Jasmin was my ex-girlfriend. Still, saying that word, made it even more obvious probably.”...lovers. We just didn't work out that way. But she will always have a special place in my heart. Just not that part.”

“What about her?”
Dana squeezed my hand and then let go of it.

“I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. I thought she felt the same way as I do. That call though...” I shrugged my shoulders.

I have no idea what Jasmin is feeling. Back then, when we broke up, she was telling me exactly the same as I was feeling. Now, that message, sounds so different. I don't know what to make out of it.

“Will you call her?”

Another shrug of my shoulders. Followed by a  uncertain nod.
“Yes, I guess I will. Not now though. I need to think about this first.”

“Of course. You should take all the time you need.”
Dana smiled at me.

I searched her eyes. It felt so good to have someone to talk to about this. I have never really spoken about what happened between Jasmin and me. Even those few sentences that I said that moment, were lifting my heart. Making me feel so much better already. How is Dana doing that?

“Yes. I will.”
I winked at Dana. Then suddenly the urge to know took a hold of me.
“Is that....is that bad for you?”

“Is what bad for me?” Dana looked surprised.

“That I am a lesbian.”
I grinned nervously, a blush rising on my cheeks.

“No, not at all.”  I realised that Dana was considering what to say next. My eyes were still locked to hers.
“It's just...let's say, surprising. Because you never said anything like this. You never suggested anything.”

Dana nodded her head from side to side and then laughed.
“But then again, I never asked. Even though I thought it pretty strange that someone like you was never saying anything about a boyfriend.”

That statement let my brow rise in surprise.
“Now, what is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, you're so....” Dana waved at me and looked me up and down. “So....special. You're very beautiful. And funny. And caring. Just...such a sweet and nice person, that I was wondering why you would have no one by your side. Boys...or girls...must kill each other to get a chance to be with you.”

The blush came immediately. Dana's words made my heart flip and speed up. She thought that way about me? She really considered me a nice, sweet person? And did she say beautiful? Oh my....not good. In my situation, with my heart being so totally lost to her, it's not good to hear things like that. Believe me. I reached out to the back of the sofa and held on to it. My legs were suddenly feeling strangely wobbly. All the time trying not to let her see what her words had done to me.
“Stop it, you making me feel all embarrassed.”

“I can see that.” Dana teased. “The colour of a tomatoe is nothing against this.”

“Oh god!” I had to turn away from her to get my composure back. She laughed behind me and poked me into my back with her finger.

“And you're so easy to tease.”

“Don't!” I spun around, laughing myself. I caught her hand and held it in place. “Stop it!”

“Oh, so you're ticklish as well, hm?” With her other free hand, Dana reached out and poked me into my side. My laugh suggested her, that she had found the right spot. And encouraged her to continue tickling me.

I had to fight hard to get her hands off me while she was doing all she could to get to my ticklish spots. It ended in a wild tickle fight, as I was trying to get her back myself. We fought like this until I got a hold onto her. She was now trapped in my arms, her back pressing against me. Her arms were locked in place on her chest, by my own arms around her.

“Now what?” She asked, still laughing and turning her head upwards to look at me. I leaned my head to the side to have a better look at her. It would have been so easy to just lower my lips to hers. To catch her mouth for the kiss I longed for so much.
She didn't move but just gazed up at me. Our eyes met and I felt myself sinking into her. Getting totally lost. Not she was the one being trapped, but me. Her hands, laying on mine, were sending a pleasant warmth from my arms up to my heart.
It was so extremely hard not to do what my whole body screamed for. Her torso, with every breath getting pressed against me, wasn't helping either. I closed my eyes and allowed my lips to slowly fly to the side of her head. Planting the softest of kisses there, my lips lingered.
“Thank you that you don't let this stand between us, Dana.” At that moment, I wished I could have told her about my feelings. I didn't want to lie to her or keep anything from her. Everything that is me, I want to give to her. But I am not able to. It breakes my heart.

I softened the hold I had around her. She turned in my arms and slid her own around my waist. I felt her hands folding behind my back. Leaning backwards, she waited until I opened my eyes. I smiled at her.
“Don't be stupid, Myra. How could I be so dumb to do something like that? You know, how important you've become to me? I would be a total fool to let go of you because you prefer women over men. That is not going to happen. Never.”

Dana's so sweet. Not I am the special person. But she is. And I am a total  victim to her. I swear, she could do whatever she wants and I would still follow her. With every minute that I spend with her, that I learn more about her, I'm falling deeper.
What am I supposed to do about this? I can't let go of her. As long as she wants me to be her friend, I will be there. No matter how much I suffer from my own heart and body wanting more. I suffer, but I also am in heaven. How is that possible?

I pulled her into a hug. There was nothing I could say. My voice was gone anyway, as I was fighting with tears.

“There's one thing though. One thing you have to do!”
Dana freed herself from my arms and rose a finger at me in a warning gesture. I furrowed my brow with a puzzled look on my face.

“You have to promise me to tell me everything. About how this will be going on between you and Jasmin. Or when you meet someone other. I want to know it all. I'm your friend and that's what friends do!”
Dana poked me with her finger against my chest to underline her words.

I was pretty amused by that.
“Of course I will. Promised.”

“Good. That way, I will get some romance into my life, at least.” Dana rose her arm to steal a glance at her watch. “Not that I don't have any. But what girl doesn't like to chit-chat about new relationships and stuff like that.”

I laughed and turned to pick up my jacket that I had thrown onto the couch earlier.
“Unfortunately, this is not going to be about men, you know. You will have to do with me taking the piss about women.”

“Oh, I bet that will be just as interesting as the other way around. If not even more interesting.” Dana assumed as we left my apartment.

I had almost forgotten about Jasmin's call. It only came back to my mind as I was driving to work in my car alone. And stayed with me for the rest of the day.

I haven't called her yet. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Not now. The day had enough drama already. But was most beautiful on the other side.

I hope yours was just as wonderful and exciting.

Take care!

Yours,



                          Myra