Dear Lucy

November 11th

                                                                                                                   November, 11th, 2008


Dear Lucy!



Hi, I'm back. It Sunday today. I'm feeling much better. Especially since I've got a car now. It's a little black Fiat Punto. How great is that?!? It took my father and me about three hours on Friday until we found this little beauty. My father had even taken a day off at work, so we could try to  get new administration still. So, they came over at something like eight. And we immediately hit the road and all the surrounding car dealers and private people we could find. With my mother hanging on and just running after us. My dad is very special with cars. He knows what he wants and will search until he finds it. Combined with my wishes I feared that we would end up with nothing at the end of the day. But, like magic, suddenly my new baby was hitting our eyes. I fell in love with it immediately. With the financial help from my parents, I could pay the 5000,- euro. And now I'm a happy occupant of my very own car. Thank you, Mom and Dad! I love you!

After having registered the car, we went to lunch together. I was so happy to be with my parents, the time flew by like nothing. They told me all the news about my little home town and about all the neighbours. Isn't there anything greater than good old gossip. My mother added to the whole thing, telling me that she met Jasmin. Obvious she was doing pretty good. My mother met her some weekend ago, when she was visiting her parents. But they didn't talk very much. Even though my mother always really liked her. Thought of her almost like a second daughter. That's why it had been pretty hard for her to understand, why we broke up. It had taken her a while to get over it. I think it still is hard for her. It isn't easy for me as well. But she will get over it, like I did. I'm sure. And who knows, maybe she will fall in love with my next girlfriend just as much as with Jasmin. I hope so.

That takes me to my next subject of today: Nadja. She came over Saturday. We haven't seen each other since almost two weeks. It was very nice to have her come around for a visit. I also immediately took her for a ride in my new car. I think she liked it a lot. We chatted again and just drove around. Then went back to my apartment. We chatted some more. And some more. And some more. Then we ordered some pizza and chatted some more. Just as with my parents the time flew by like nothing. After we had finished our pizzas, I sat down on the couch beside her and just watched her.

I'm still not sure about her. Where are we going with this? How far are we going to take it? How deep are my feelings for her? I know I like her and I know how happy she makes me when I'm with her. I forget about everything. Almost everything. I have to admit, that Dana's head and the worry about how she is doing at the moment, came up from time to time while I was with Nadja. But more out of the fear that Frank will harm her again than anything. I quickly pushed those thoughts away whenever they came up.
Back to Nadja. So, I was sat there beside her, watching her stare onto the TV. There was some kind of action movie on. She was totally transfixed onto it. Until she realised that my eyes were constantly on her. She immediately turned towards me.
“What?” she laughed with raised eyebrows.

I just shook my head and waved her off.
“Nothing.”

“Come on, what are you thinking?” She put down the glass of water that she had been holding and then looked back at me curiously.

“I was just...looking at you. That's all.” Her direct question made me feel very uncomfortable. I didn't want her to know that I was thinking about us. And about what to make out of us. Since I don't know the answer myself, I don't want her to ask any questions.

She didn't ask any further. Instead, very slowly, she leaned over and kissed me. I was a bit stunned at that gesture. I hadn't expected it. But, I kind of liked it. It's not like she or me deepened the kiss. It was just a lips on lips thing. She lingered there for a second or so. My eyes stayed open and I watched hers close and then open again. We looked at each other, our lips still connected. I didn't dare to move. All muscles in my body suddenly tensed. Then she pulled back. Her lips had felt soft and warm against mine. Sending a small tingle down my spine.

When leaning back, she grinned at me.
“Don't look at me like a caught dog!” She laughed, but I'm not sure if that was just to hide her own fear. I frowned. This wasn't what I had wanted. I liked her kiss and didn't want her to feel that what she had done was wrong. Nadja quickly looked back to the TV.
I felt sorry for my behaviour immediately. That's why I reached out and pulled her face back into my direction with my fingers under her chin. She smiled weakly at me.

“Hey, look at me.” I gently asked and smiled in return as our eyes met.

“I'm sorry. It was just...” Nadja shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

“No problem. No harm done.” I said and let go of her chin. “I liked it. It just surprised me.”

“Look, I didn't mean anything with it. It's not like I want...you know what. I just felt like kissing you at that moment.” Nadja tried to explain herself. It was cute. Her kiss hadn't evoked a fire inside of me. Her shyness about it now, was much more adorable for me. My feelings took a hold of me and I reached out to pull her into my arms. We hugged tightly for a few long minutes. When she started pulling back, I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“Come here.”
I padded my lap and invited her to lay her head down on it. With that, the subject of the kiss was done. It didn't come back up that day. We finished watching our film. With Nadja's head in my lap, my hand resting on her side. Hers under her head. The whole situation felt comfortable and warm. As if we were always lying there like that. Every night. As if it belonged like that.

But, as if there wasn't anything special about it either. It confuses me. On the one side, I like to be close to her. I liked her kiss. But that's it. I liked it – I didn't love it. It wasn't pulling me in for more. It didn't grab a hold of me and made my heart rush.
I don't know about her. How are her feelings towards me now? Does her heart belong to me or are we just friends in her soul? What am I to do about it? Maybe I should allow myself to fall for her. But, am I fighting it really? I don't think so. There would be no reason for me to do so.

I think I will have to talk to her about it again. That will give me some answers probably.

Nadja stayed until the film ended. I gave her another quick peck on the cheek when I said goodbye to her at the door. She returned the kiss herself and gave me a sweet smile before leaving.
After that I immediately went to bed.

Now it's Sunday, as I said before. It's pretty cold outside. That's why I'm hiding under my blanket on my couch. And I am wondering what else to tell you. There isn't much. Besides the fact, that I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.

I wonder what Dana was doing this weekend. I hope she and Frank are okay. No fighting, no violence. Should I call her? Just to check if everything is okay????
No....no, stop it. I told her that I would only call when something is up. Especially her home number. She had made me promise. Out of fear that Frank would maybe misunderstand the call. In whatever way. How is she able to live like that? With that constant fear in the back of her mind? It's crazy!
Been there, done that. Well, not done. But we had that subject, right? It's not your business, Myra. So stay out of it.

Okay, I will make me a tea now because I'm still cold. The windows to my apartment don't seem to be the best. There is still some air coming in even though they're closed. Old house, old windows.

Take care!


Yours,



                        Myra