Dear Lucy

November 7th - November 8th

                                                                                                   November, 7th, 2007


Dear Lucy!


It's Wednesday. Sorry for not writing to you in the last few days. I didn't feel too well. I got ill. I called in sick on Friday. I saw the doc on Monday because my head wouldn't stop hurting. And I got a fever and my stomach keeps turning when I think of food. I'm staying at home for the rest of this week.

I can't think straight. And I can't sleep properly. Whenever I close my eyes, Dana's bruised face comes to my mind. And pictures of Frank beating her again and again.

Due to the fact that I haven't been to work since the day all that with Dana has happened, I can't tell you how she's doing. I don't know. I want to know though. But I'm too scared to call her at work. Too scared she's angry with me. Or that she doesn't want to talk to me. Or even, that she isn't in.

I think I have to vomit....




                                                                                                                    November, 8th, 2007

Dear Lucy!


Sorry for stopping so abrupt yesterday.
I'm back now. I'm feeling a bit better today. I was thinking a lot in the last few days. About Dana and the situation she's in. I'm worried about her. That's for sure. I don't want her to get hurt again. By no one.

But I don't know what to do about it. If she doesn't want any help, then what am I to do? Force it onto her? I don't think so. She knows her husband. Maybe she's right and it was a one time thing. Sure, she told me it happened before. But she also said, it was years ago. Maybe this time it was the last time. She believes so. Because he has promised her. If she believes, maybe I have to believe as well. As her friend. What if it isn't true? What if he beats her again?

Maybe I just have to be there for her. Help her get stronger. And then, one day, she will have the strength to stand up against him. Should he do it again. Maybe a friend respects the wishes of the other one. And just is there when needed.

I still don't know about it all. I'm still confused. But....oh..the door bell....be right back....




Hey, I'm back. It was Dana.
I was a bit surprised when the door bell rang, since it is in the middle of the day. Actually it was about 01:45 p.m  and I wasn't expecting anybody to come over. The greater was my surprise as I answered the door and heard Dana responding. I was confused as I opened the door. She came up the stairs slowly, but with a big smile on her face. It grew even bigger when she saw me. In her hands she was holding a box of chocolates.

“Hey there...” she said, on the last steps already.

I frowned. It was nice seeing her and I was happy about it as well. But also scared. What did she want?

I nodded and smiled at her. I was so confused about her surprise visit, that I just stood in the doorway and stared at her as she stepped up to me. We looked at each other for a moment or two. I felt a bit naked to her, as I was just wearing my pyjamas.

She wasn't wearing her sunglasses today. Her face looked much better. The make up hid what was left of the bruise. And the scar on her eyebrow was getting smaller as well. Even the stitches were healing already.

As I was stood there, just staring at her, Dana laid her head to the side and gave me a puzzled look.
“Are you not going to let me in?” she laughed.

I was pulled back to the reality again in an instant. Shaking my head to clear it, I stepped to the side and waved my arm for her to come in.
“Sorry.”

She walked past me and then waited for me to close the door. As soon as I had turned around, she smiled fully at me and held out the box of chocolates.
“I don't know if you're allowed to eat them, but I hope you will like them anyway.”

I took the gift from her.
“Thank you. Of course I am allowed to eat them.” I gave her a cheeky grin. I am a sweet soul after all! “Come in.”

I led her into my small living room and offered her a seat on the couch. Laying the box of chocolates onto the table I sat down beside her. At first we both didn't know what to say, but then she turned sideways and looked at me curiously.
“What's wrong?”

I was a bit taken aback by her question. My look must have told her that.

“I mean, you haven't been to work since a week. I was worried about you.” I saw in her eyes, that she still was wondering what was wrong with me.

“Oh...I'm...I'm just not feeling too good. Must be an autumn cold or something. Nothing to worry about. The doc told me to stay at home and in bed this week. I'll be back next week.”

I lied to her. I know, I know. I'm always saying about telling the truth and that I want her not to lie to me. And then I go and do the same. But this is different. She doesn't need to know that all which has happened last Thursday, has made me feel so bad. But then again, I don't even know if this was the cause for me getting ill. One way or the other, she doesn't need to know. She has enough to worry about, herself.

Dana gave me a caring smile and reached out a hand to my forehead. Her palm felt soft and warm against my skin. A wave of emotions immediately ran through me.
“Then we should get you back into bed quickly.” With that said, Dana got up and looked around. “Where are your blanket and pillow?”

I raised a brow at her in response.

“Come on, tell me. You need to get some rest and I'm going to take care that you will get exactly that. And, don't even think about protesting!”
She put her hands on her hips, standing in front of me like a mother. I had to giggle at that.

“Yes, mummy!” I joked and got up as well. While I was getting my bedding, she prepared the couch for me to lay down. After making a comfy nest for me, I laid down again and looked at her like a puppy.
“What now?”
“You stay here and I go make you a tea or something.”

Before I could say anything, Dana disappeared out of the room. Next I could hear her open and close doors of my  kitchen cabinets. With some verbal help from my side, she was done after a few minutes. Handing me a cup of hot, steaming tea, she then stood at the end of the couch and watched me.

“Are you not going to sit down with me?” I laughed. I padded the end of the couch with my hand and moved upwards until I was sat up.

Dana hesitantly dropped down on the couch.

“You know, you don't have to do all of this. Don't you have to be at home?” I asked. It was in the middle of the day and why, if she didn't need to be at work, would she be here with me instead?

“As I said, I was worried about you not being at work. So I asked Bettina if you had called in sick. She told me you did but that you didn't tell her what was wrong with you. That's why I took the rest of the day off to check on you.” Dana shrugged her shoulders.

I was stunned about that. She had, out of worry, gone to Bettina, our secretary who takes care of our working hours and the ill notices, and asked about me? That was so sweet of Dana. It warmed my heart.
“You didn't need to do that. Really. I'm fine.”

“Yeah, but you didn't tell anybody what was wrong with you. And I was.....” Dana stopped and looked away in thought. Then she looked at me again seriously. “...worried that something had happened or that...what we talked about last Thursday might be the cause why you didn't come in.”

How could she realise that? Does she know me that well already? Am I that open for her to read?

“No! That wasn't the cause. I felt a bit out of place the whole last week already.” I lied again. I don't want her to think that it might be her fault.

“You did? Are you sure? Because I would hate it, if I was the cause for you to feel so bad.” Dana looked at me closely as if she wanted see any reaction to her assumption.

I tried my best to look as normal as always.
“No, really. Don't worry. It's not your fault.” I smiled at her, put down the cup of tea on the table and reached for her hand. Squeezing it gently I smiled again. Then I looked at her seriously.
“Even though...:” I had to swallow. I hated to bring this subject back up. But it hadn't gone out of my mind since last Thursday. And I just had to know. “...I'm worried about you too, you know. Are you okay?”

The relieve about the knowledge that it hadn't been her fault that I got ill, disappeared from Dana's face as soon as I had finished my question. She frowned and looked to my hand holding hers.
“I'm okay. Could we maybe just leave it at that?” She looked up at me again, the plea obvious in her eyes. “I talked with Frank about it all again. And we are okay again. Actually we are doing great. He told me that he is sorry and that it was the fear that had made him do it. I understand that. And I know, he won't do it again. I won't disappoint him like that again. All is perfect again between us. Please, let's just forget about it, Myra. For me?”

I wanted to response to that. Again, I felt the anger inside of me rise. The anger, that she thought it had been her fault. The fear that he would do it again. I wanted to tell her that she shouldn't be so naive. That she should really think about what she was saying and that maybe the chances weren't so small that he would do it again. After all, she, herself, had told me, that he had done it before. Even if it has been years since.

I didn't tell her. Instead I looked at her closely. Her brown eyes were so full of hope that I would leave it be, I couldn't do any different. She has the power over me to forget my own thoughts and just follow her wishes. If that is what she needs, I will not do any different. I will comply and leave it be. And I will stand by her side, should he do it again. I will be her friend.

“Okay.” My voice sounded shaky in my own ears. I didn't find the power to make it sound as if that was what I really wanted. No problem with that. She should hear that this wasn't coming from my heart, but that I was accepting her wishes. “Just....” I squeezed her hand again and locked our eyes. I wanted her to see me in the soul to know that I meant what I was about to say. “Please, remember, whenever you need someone to talk to, I am here for you. I will always be, Dana. You can always come to me, with whatever is on your mind, or soul. I promise you to be your friend for as long as you want me to be.”

Tears were suddenly coming to her eyes. A small smile was playing around her shaking lips. Then she reached out her free hand and laid it onto my cheek.
“You're so wonderful, Myra. What am I to do without you? Thank you so very much for being my friend. I've never met someone like you.”

“Come here.” I asked and opened my arms for a hug. She immediately followed my invitation and flew into my arms. Her body felt warm against mine. I felt her  breath tickle my neck and shoulder as she was hiding her face against me. A sob was escaping her and I hugged her closer against me. It felt good. It felt extremely good to hold her and let her feel that I was there for her. To let her know that, when she's with me, she doesn't need her walls. She can allow herself to open up. I will be her wall against the outside. I will protect her. With my life. One of her hands started to gently stroke over the back off my head. It made me feel warm and as safe as I wanted her to feel with me. My hands in return stroked over her back in wide circles.
“It's okay. You're safe with me.” I whispered. She nodded her head against me.

When she leaned backwards and freed herself from my arms slowly, I suddenly felt cold and alone. With an embarrassed smile, Dana reached out and wiped her tears off my neck.
“I'm sorry. I'm making your shirt all wet.”
She laughed and then brushed the tears off her face. “See what you're doing to me?!? I came here to take care of you and now am all crying and stuff.”

I had to laugh at that as well.
“That's okay. I like taking care of you and I don't mind if you dare to cry with me.” I reached out and stroked a strand of hair out of her face and behind her ear. Then I allowed myself to let my palm rest against her cheek. I didn't want to lose our body contact.

No, it's not what you're thinking. Not in that way or because of that! Just because....I don't know...because it feels good to have her close and feel her skin. Without any thoughts like that. Really.

Anyway, she seemed to like it as well, as she carefully leaned her head against my hand. She reached up and held my hand in place. Then she turned her face to plant a soft kiss into my palm. All the time looking at me with big brown eyes. I had to smile at her. It was such a gentle, caring gesture. My heart started pounding harder and I had to fight not to pull her into my arms again. My thumb started to stroke Dana's cheek unconsciously. No matter what, I couldn't have stopped it. I watched in wonder, as she closed her eyes and her lips opened for a soft gasp.
“You're too good to me.” She whispered and looked at me again. Her eyes were full of wonder and something else that made a tingle run over my body.

“No, I'm not. It's what you deserve. And it's not enough.” I answered, whispering myself. Out of fear I would wake up and that it was just a dream.
Dana's skin felt warm and soft against my hand. My fingers started tingling. Then she lifted my hand off her cheek, planted another soft kiss onto my fingers and dropped our entwined fingers into her lap. She leaned backwards against the back of the couch and watched me with her head laying against the couch.

I missed the contact to her face immediately. My heart slowed down again as I returned her gaze silently.

“What?” I carefully asked after a minute or so.

“Nothing.” She smiled warmly and shook her head.

I smiled as well, but didn't look away.

“I missed you.” Dana suddenly said, our gazes still locked. “And I was really worried that something had happened. Don't do that again.”

“Do what?” I asked with a nervous laugh. What did she mean?

“Not come to work for nearly a whole week without any sign from you.”

I shook my shoulders. She had done the same. And I had been as worried for her as she about me. On my side, though, it had been correct to be worried.
No, don't go there again, Myra. You have said you wouldn't. I didn't at that moment. Instead, I said:
“You neither. I had been worried as well when I didn't hear from you.”

She was thinking for a moment. Then she seemed to remember and it made her look away from me.
“Then we promise each other, to call when something is up and we can't come to work. Okay?” Dana asked and looked back to me.

I nodded. That was a good idea.

We exchanged telephone numbers before Dana went. But first we stayed on the couch together for a bit longer. Dana brought me another tea, as soon as my other one was empty. She also insisted to make me a sandwich. Her concern for me let me feel special. It was so sweet of her to look after me. What a wonderful person she is. I can't believe how lucky I am to have met her and to call myself her friend. It's a present from the heaven above!

Dana stayed till about 4 o'clock. The exact time when our work normally ends. I guess she wanted to be at home like normal. Because of her husband? I hope not. I would prefer to think because of Tessa, whom she had to pick up from her day care.

It was kind of hard for me to let her go. I had been sceptical when I had seen her come up the stairs, but then her visit had become the best incident of the whole week. Dana gave me a quick hug and ordered me to quickly get better again. I had to laugh at that and promised to do my best. When she got in her car and drove of, I watched her out of my living room window, feeling a strange emptiness taking a hold of me.  How strange that she's evoking such feelings inside of me. I mean, the last time I felt something like that was with Jasmin. But even with her, it was different. It didn't let my whole body hurt.

Still, don't worry, I'm not in love with Dana. No way. She's a friend. A very important friend. That's it. And there will never be anything else between us than that. After all, she's straight and married. Even if she's not happily married, she still is. And I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship or her marriage. If that is what she needs to be happy in her life, I will accept it.
Maybe that's why it is all feeling so extra. Because we have a friendship and nothing else can come between us. I had a friendship with Jasmin. Long before we became lovers. Perhaps that was the mistake. That I allowed any sexual feelings to come between us back then. I was young and wanted nothing more than to deepen our friendship. And when she had wanted the same, who or what was there to stop us?
I don't know. It never felt wrong to be more than a friend with Jasmin. Our friendship made our relationship special. Taking the next step never felt wrong. Maybe it wasn't false to do it after all. That way we always had enough respect for each other. Even when we broke up.

Love and friendship. What a strange thing. How hard to figure out what is right or wrong. I guess, the best thing is, to just follow your heart. It will lead you onto the right path.

Anyway, what else do I have to tell you about today? Shortly after Dana left, my mother called. She wanted to tell me that they would give me some money so I could buy a car. We had talked about that the last few weeks, but they had always only hinted at me that they would be happy to chip in some money. Today they affirmed that and my Dad said, they would come over this weekend so we could check out some car sales. I'm really looking forward to seeing my parents again. I haven't been at home since I moved here and I miss them terribly. This is my first apartment that is really far away from them. I hope they will like it.

I will watch some TV now.

Take care!

Yours,


                        Myra