Dear Lucy

November 1st

                                                                                                                     November, 1st, 2007


Dear Lucy!

OH MY GOD! I'm...speechless....I'm confused...I don't know what to say or how to tell you this....what am I to do?! Oh my god....

Okay...take a deep breath, try to relax and start at the beginning:

Today was my first day at work as the one and only web designer and what you would call a 'software consultant'. I got in and immediately started to work. Especially since some good ideas had come to me at night. I didn't bother stopping by Dana's door. When walking past it in the morning, it was closed and if she wanted something from me, she could come over. Do I sound huffy? No, I wasn't. It was my effort to not let it all get to me. Only she knows the reason why she isn't at work. And if I'm supposed to know, then she will let me know. If not, then it's fine with me as well. Not my business.

At least that is what I told myself in the morning. That this plan wouldn't work for very long, got to me at lunch break. When leaving my office, I looked up the floor and saw Dana just open the door to the stairway. I was stunned that she was in again. My heart made a little flip. I was happy that she was back and all I wanted was to meet up with her and have a chat. I have to admit, I missed her. A lot. I hurried along the floor because I wanted to catch up with her before she left the building.

Dana didn't go downstairs though. Instead she entered the stairway and turned upwards. That was weird. Okay, it was a nice day outside. But not too sunny, with clouds quickly crossing the sky.  I assumed she wanted to go up onto the roof and have her lunch break there. But then again, it was also a bit cold outside for that. I thought 'whatever' and followed her.
As I reached the stairway I heard the roof door shut. I climbed the stairs quickly and opened the door myself. My first quick look around didn't show me where Dana was. I felt myself frown. She was nowhere to be seen. What the....?!?
With my heart pounding faster suddenly, I stepped further onto the roof and looked around again. The cold November wind send chills up my arm. I was only wearing a pullover because I only had wanted to quickly get me something to eat from a food booth that was parked outside our company building. Now I was stood on the roof, freezing my a** off, searching for Dana. I don't know why, but it scared me that I didn't find her. Had I only imagined seeing her at the stairs? Or had she not gone up the roof but instead just climbed the stairs to the next floor where the bureau of our boss was? But I was more than sure that I had heard the roof door fall shut. What was going on?

“Are you searching me?”
Dana's soft voice behind me let me jump. I swung around with big eyes. There she was. A few steps away from me. She was wearing only a thin brown pullover and black trousers. Her face was covered by sunglasses, but I could still make out the serious look she was giving me. No muscle in her body moved.

I felt a happy smile explode on my face. Even though the whole situation felt totally out of place. Dana didn't react to my smile but just stared at me. Suddenly I felt as if she wasn't all too happy to see me. As if she maybe thought I was spying on her.

“Yes. I'm sorry if I disturbed you.” I sincerely said and made a step towards her. Dana crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from me. She didn't say anything.

Another two or three steps and I was stood in front of her, maybe two arm length away. I let my eyes take her in. She was brushing her hands over her upper arms and was staring past me. I couldn't see her eyes under the sun glasses. Which was weird enough by itself. As I said, it wasn't all that sunny outside. No need for sunglasses, I would have said.

“Is everything okay?” I asked. I wanted to reach out and give her arm a squeeze, but instead I forced myself to just wait. There was an icky feeling coming up in me. Something was horribly wrong with Dana. Was it one of her moods? Where we back to ignoring me and shutting me out? No, it was something else. She seemed absence. Like only her body was there with me.

No reaction to my question. I took another step towards her, standing now directly in front of her. I could have reached out a hand to grab hers, but again I decided not to.

“Hey, look at me.” I softly begged. Dana dropped her gaze to the floor . A small sob suddenly shook her body. I was stunned. She was crying! That's why she was hiding her eyes from me. I felt a cold chill run over my body. Not from the wind.

Reaching out with my right hand, I allowed the fingers touch Dana's chin. Carefully I lifted her face until I was able to look at it. A single tear made it's way out from under her sunglasses and over her cheek. When I reached out with my other hand to take off her classes, Dana suddenly pulled her face away from me. She took a step backwards.

“No, don't go away.” I said without thinking. I felt so scared for her suddenly. So scared that she would push me away and not let me help her. Yet again. But not this time. No way that I would drop it just like that again.

I followed her step until I was in reach again. Dana wanted to pull away from again, but I quickly grabbed her hands and held her in place.
“Let me in....don't be scared.” I whispered just loud enough to let her hear it. “It's just the two of us here. And I won't hurt you. I promise.” I squeezed her hands. With my words still hanging in the air between us, more tears started falling over her cheek. A loud sob escaped her mouth and her shoulders started shaking. I wanted to pull her into my arms and hold her. As tight as possible. To protect her from the world.

“I can't....” Dana sobbed and tried to pull her hands free from mine. I didn't let go.

“Yes, you can....trust me.” I assured her and squeezed her hand again. “I'm here for you. Please, don't push me away again, Dana.”

Carefully I let go off her hands. It was risky, because without the contact to me, it would have been so easy for her to just push past me and leave me. She didn't move. Her body was shaking as I gently lifted my hands to her face. Then, as slowly as I could, I took her glasses off.

What greeted me there, let my heart stop beating immediately. I gasped in shock and unconsciously made a step back. Suddenly it felt, as if a big hole opened under me and as if I was falling without any hope for survival. Everything around me turned black. My eyes were transfixed to Dana's face. My mouth opened and closed, my lips quivering in shock. All clear thoughts were immediately washed out of my mind. My mouth turned dry. I dropped my hands to my sides.

Around Dana's left eye was a big, blueish-purple bruise. Her eyebrow was swollen, with a freshly sewed cut staring angrily at me. Her eye was swollen, but it looked like it already was healing.

Her eyes fluttered shut as Dana saw the horror on my face. She stumbled backwards until the back of her knees were hitting a projection of the wall. With a sob she sat down on it. Her hands flew up to her face. She was allowing herself to openly cry now. Rocking backwards and forwards, I saw the waves of emotions roll over her body.

Oh my god! I swear I have never seen anything like that! I mean, in films or during a boxing night in TV. But not on anybody's face. I would have never expected to see anything like this on Dana's face. What had happened?! Who had done that? When had it happened? Did she have an accident? Did someone do this to her? If so, who would do something so horrible to someone as sweet as her!?!

I gasped. The sight of Dana's hurt face had knocked me out. Now I was fighting to get my control back. I needed to help her. That was what I had promised. There was no time for my worry or fear for her. She needed me now. And being there for her was all that mattered at that moment.

I quickly stepped towards her and sank to my knees in front of her. Without a word I reached my arms out and pulled her into a tight hug. She was sobbing hard against me, her body making us both shake.

“Sssshhh, sweety. I'm here. It's all okay. You're safe.” I whispered into her ear. With another wave of pain running through her body she suddenly threw her arms around my neck. Dana was hiding her wet face into my throat. Pulling her even harder into me she slipped off the projection she had sat on and into me. I had to fight not to tumble over backwards. Instead I closed my arms tighter around her. I wanted to be the rock that was breaking the waves for her. I never wanted to let her go again, as I felt her totally sink into me. Never, never before had she been more open to me with her feelings as in this moment. No words needed to be said. I started to gently let my hands stroke over her back, trying to somehow give her some kind of comfort.

I didn't know what to do. I was horrified at her pain. I felt totally helpless. But all I wanted to do was help. It was a painful sight, to see Dana so totally lost. What was I supposed to do? How are you supposed to react to something like that?
I was scared about her bruises. Scared what had caused it. Was there more? On her body, hiding from my eyes. Besides the bruises on her soul.
I needed to know what had happened.

It took a few, long minutes of me stroking over Dana's back and gently rocking her, before the tears slowly eased. Finally her arms slid off my shoulders and she leaned a bit backwards. I let my arms sink as well and grabbed her hands carefully. We were now kneeling in front of each other. Dana's head was hanging low, with her hair falling into her face. I reached out a shaking right hand and stroked her hair out of her face slowly. She didn't look up but leaned her face into my palm.

“It's okay.” I didn't know what to say. My mind was hurtling with pictures of Dana's flayed face and scenes of how it gotten that far. But I was fighting to keep them at bay. I needed my full concentration for Dana. My whole world was circling around her in that moment. Nothing else mattered to me. It seemed, like everything else had just vanished. “It's okay.”

I raised my other hand as well and laid it on Dana's free cheek. Gently I started to lift her face. She was fighting against it.
“Hey, look at me.”
I tried it with a bit more force until she pulled her face to the side and out of my soft grasp. Instead of meeting my eyes she slid backwards and back onto the projection of the wall she had been sitting on before. I followed her movement until I was kneeling right in front of her. My right hand flew out and landed on her lower leg. I softly stroked up and down on it, trying to give Dana some kind of comfort. She just got out a tissue out of her pockets and blew her nose. Her head was hanging low again and I had to fight to be able to look into her face.

The ugly bruise greeted me with a provoking grin. I felt my stomach turn. Nausea was trying to get a hold of me.

I needed Dana to look at me. No words could tell her what I wanted to express. My eyes could. I was sure of that. I wanted to let her see my soul so she could feel that she wasn't alone. That there was someone here with her. Someone who cared – and cares – for her. More than anything. Someone who wants to carry the burden with her if not for her.
“Please, look at me, Dana.” I whispered, afraid my voice would break if I spoke louder than that.

Again I reached out with my right hand and gently stroked the hair out of her face and behind her ear. Then our eyes met.

It hurt. Her look was so full of pain, it broke my heart. Our eyes stayed locked. I felt myself sinking into her. Suddenly I was able to see right into her soul. It scared me, how fragile she seemed at that moment. One wrong move, and I feared, she would break into a million pieces right there in front of me. My thumb absently stroked over her cheek. A small smile forced itself onto my lips. It wasn't as if there was anything to smile about at that instant. It was an attempt to console Dana.

She didn't show any reaction. Her eyes started filling with tears again. It made my body move and I slid up onto the wall beside her. My hands sank into her lap, where they entangled with hers. Dana's eyes fell onto our hands and she started to stroke over mine, drawing small circles with her fingertips over the back off my left hand.

“Tell me.” I encouraged her, still speaking low.

Dana just slowly laid her head to the side and shrugged her shoulders. She seemed so helpless and as if she didn't know how to find the right words. I squeezed her hand.
“Take your time. It's okay. I'm here. You can tell me everything.”

Dana lifted her head for a split second and gave me a quick glance. As our eyes met, she smiled at me weakly. Then, before I could react to it, she pulled away again and dropped her gaze back to our hands.
“There is....nothing to say, really.” She said, her voice so weak, I could barely make it out.

“Please, Dana. Don't pull away from me. Let me in. Please.” I heard myself begging. I don't know if I could have taken it, if she had pushed me away again at that moment. I don't know if I would have allowed her to. But, would I have had the strength to keep her with me? To fight her walls back down? I'm not so sure. But I would have given anything in my power to hold her by my side. There was only this one moment, the only chance I had.

Luckily she was so weak that she couldn't even give it a try to pull away from me. Instead, she shook her head again.
“It's okay. It was my clumsiness. I fell down the stairs and hid my head against the wall.”

I couldn't believe my ears. What was she telling me? There was no way I was taking that for real. Her quivering voice was showing me, she didn't believe into her own words. It was a weak try to hide whatever had happened. It didn't work.
“No, don't do that, Dana. Don't lie to me like that.” begging her,  I felt tears coming to my eyes. It hurt so much that she was really trying to lie to me like that. But it wasn't about that now. What she did was understandable, I guess. Maybe I would react the same way. I think, everybody would.

“I'm not....lying.” Dana stated, squeezing my hand unconsciously. I pulled one of my hands free  and laid it on top of hers.

“Please, Dana. It's okay. Whatever happened, you don't need to hide it from me. You can tell me anything. I just want to help you.”

“You can't.” Dana blurted out, her voice breaking. She looked at me suddenly, pure sorrow in her eyes. “You can't.”

I was shocked by those words. They were so direct and final. As if she wanted nothing more, but my help. But as if she knew for sure that there was no way I could help her. As if she knew that she was alone.

She wasn't. I am here now. She will understand that. If it is the last damn thing I do on this planet. I'm not going to drop her or leave her alone. Never.

“Yes, I can. If you let me.” I turned sideways so I was looking directly to her. She frowned and wanted to look back to her lap. I didn't let her. I freed my other hand and grabbed her chin gently, holding her face in place. She was fighting to free herself, but I held on. Gently, but with enough force that she couldn't back away. “If you let me, Dana.” I repeated, locking my eyes with hers. At first she maintained my gaze. Then her eyes fluttered shut. For a second I thought I had lost her. I felt my heart drop, even though on the outside I fought to keep my composure.

“I....it was...:” Dana stuttered, her eyes opening again slowly. I held my breath. I was scared if I moved she would lose her courage again. “Frank.”

The name hit me like a fist into the stomach. All air escaped me. My hands fell into my own lap.
I had known. How could I not?!? It was obvious. Yet, I had always tried to push it away. I had refused to think it was him. The bruises on Dana's arms – I had done everything not to let that answer come up in my mind. I had known and refused to believe it. My stomach, my soul had told me. With every time that Dana had seemed so absence, so different than when she had been happy, it had scratched in the back of my mind, that Frank was the cause. When she had told me, that she was never able to go out alone, I had felt that something was going horribly wrong between them. I had waved it off. I had closed my eyes.

Now, it was directly staring at me. The bruise on Dana's face was pointing an accusing finger at me. I could have done something. I'm sure of that. I could have prevented that from happening. If I had listened to my feelings. If I hadn't allowed her to pull away from me all the time. Maybe I could have done something, so it didn't get that far. I could have, right?!?

I felt my lips move. I wanted to say something. But what? Anger was pushing it's way into my stomach. Anger that he would do something like that to her. She was so wonderful, such a sweet, loving person. How could he rise a hand against her? How dare he!?! What kind of man would do that to his wife? I wanted to get up, go to him and do what he did to her to him. I wanted him to pay for it. Painfully. I wanted him to suffer as much as she was. Anger turned into rage.

Dana saw it all in my eyes. She dropped her gaze away from me, tears falling over her cheeks again.
“I shouldn't have.....” she whispered, more to herself than to me. “...told you.”

Another hit in the stomach. It cleared my mind instantly. It wasn't about him. It was about her. F**k him! She was the one who needed my attention now. There was enough time later to take consequences. At that moment I was up on the roof with Dana. And only Dana.
“No! No. It was good.”

I reached out again, grabbing her hands out of her lap and pulling them up to my lips. I planted a soft kiss on each of them. It had been the most wonderful thing of her to trust me enough to tell me. It lifted my heart that I had finally been able to climb over the walls she had built around her. She had been on the other side, reaching out a hand to help me get to her.
“Thank you, Dana.”

I smiled at her when she looked at me again. There were doubt and fear reflecting in her eyes.

“Don't be scared. I'm here with you. Through it all.” I promised and planted another kiss onto her hands. I'm not sure, but for a second I thought I saw a light in her eyes. Something like hope and thankfulness. It disappeared before I could totally make it out. I cleared my throat. It was hard, but needed to be done. I had to know why he had done it. It was important for me to know but also for her to talk about it. “Why has....he done that?”

Dana frowned and shrugged her shoulders.
“It was my own fault.”

“What? No, that can't be. Dana. No one deserves something like that. No one. Never. No matter what happened, it wasn't your fault!” I spoke with more force than I had intended to. But I couldn't hold myself back. What she was saying was crazy! Totally absurd! How could she think that it might be her fault??

“Yes, it was. You don't understand.” Dana shook her head no.

“No, I don't understand. But, explain it to me. What could you have possible done that would justify it for him to hit you?” I was pushing the anger in my stomach away again. It was clawin at me trying to get out.

“I lied to him. I....”Dana stopped, swallowed and then continued, the words suddenly splashing out of her like a waterfall. “I lied to him about going out with you. He tried calling me. Friday. I wasn't at home and I had forgotten my mobile at home. He must have called me ten times or something. I didn't answer the phone. He was worried that something had happened. That's why he even had to come home early. Only to find out that I had gone out with you. He had told me not to. And I had said I wouldn't. Stupid me! I went anyway. Without telling him. He must have been so scared that something happened to me. That's why he hit me. My poor Frank. I'm so sorry....please forgive me...” Dana started crying again, her words drowning in sobs.

“What...no....sweety...no...that's not right....” I immediately reached out and pulled her back into my arms. Hugging her tight. Dana didn't seem to feel any of it. She kept saying how sorry she was and was asking for forgiveness. I couldn't believe my ears. How could she think that it was her who had to ask for forgiveness? He had hit her. Just because she had gone out and had fun without him? Out of jealousy?
Yes, it's right. It was wrong of her to lie to him about it. She should have told him and I understand if he was angry because he couldn't reach her. And because he had to leave work early because of it. I understand that he was disappointed and maybe scared. I would have been too. But to hit her!?! Is there any reason in the world, why you should be allowed to hit your wife? None. No reason in the world! You bastard!
“Don't tell yourself that, Dana. It wasn't right of him. And it's not your fault. Absolutely not!”

Hearing my words, Dana finally pulled out of my arms and looked at me. She smiled as if she was feeling sorry for me. For me?
“He's my husband. I  shouldn't have lied to him. He was so scared. I understand why he did it. And it's not that he hit me. I deserved that. It's my stupidness. It's me that makes me so sad. Not him. What I did. ”

I was stunned. I have never heard anything more stupid than that. Why didn't she see who had done wrong? It was obvious. Everyone would say so. How can she not??

“You're so wrong, Dana. It wasn't right of him. How could he hit you? If he loves you!” It hurt me to see her like that. And to hear what she was saying. That she was blaming herself. I've never been in contact with anybody, who got hit. Or who lives in an abusive relationship. Is that what happens? Are the women blaming themselves? Or is it just Dana that thinks what she's saying is the truth?

“He loves me. I know he does.” Dana nodded strongly, as if to underline her words. As if to convince herself. Deep down, she must know that what she's saying is wrong. Somewhere deep down in her soul. I need to get there. I must find that voice and give it enough strength to get louder. Loud enough for her to hear it.

“If he loves you, he wouldn't have done that!” I stated flatly. It's as easy as that.

“It was...a reaction..out of his love. Because he was so worried about me. It's okay. He told me.” Dana explained. She smiled weakly at me and reached for my hand. Slowly she padded it. “He's told me. He has.”

“Told you what?! That he needs to hit you because he loves you? I think there are other ways of telling and showing you that!” I was getting frustrated. How can she not see? Is she that blind? It can't be. I pulled my hands free from hers and got up. Standing with my back to her, I put my hands on my hips. The anger was getting stronger and stronger. I wanted to kick something. I wanted to grab her and shake some sense into her. I wanted to hit Frank. Not out of love.

I heard Dana move behind me. Two steps and then she was stood in front of me. Looking up at me she smiled. It was a dear smile, a true smile.
“Thank you so much, Myra. You're so sweet. But...” Dana grabbed one of my hands and squeezed it. “But it's okay. Sometimes things like that happen. And don't worry. He said sorry. We talked about it. And I forgive him. And he forgives me. It won't happen again.”

“No...don't...Dana, please....” I felt helpless at that moment. The walls were coming up again. She had made a decision. And there was no way visible for me how I could stop her. It was so wrong. How can I let her walk that way? How can I not? Is it my decision to make? Yes and no. Yes, because I don't want her to get hurt. She means too much to me to allow that. She deserves better. No one should treat her like that. Not even her husband.
No, because she's a grown woman. She loves her husband. And she knows him long enough to know if he does as well. If that is what she wants, then who am I to try and stop her?

I'm her friend. I should stop her. I should step in between and make her see. Or should I just step back and, as a friend, let her make her own decisions? And then be there and be supportive when she walks her way? No matter where it leads her.

Maybe it was a single incident. Maybe it was his fear for her. If it was the one and only time he hit her, then her decision to forgive him maybe was right. If her heart belongs to him then forgiving is a big part in what makes a good relationship.

Can it be a good relationship, when there is violence involved? If this was the one and only time, is it a violent relationship?
Standing there, staring at Dana and her warm eyes, I was so confused. What am I to do? I have no answer. Have you?

I pulled Dana to me and back into a gently, yet tight hug. She slipped her arms around my waist and  hugged me back.
“Thank you, Myra.” She whispered and hid her face in my neck. “Thank you for listening.”

“It's okay. I...just hope what you're saying is what you really mean and feel. I hope that he really, really is sorry for what he has done to you. And that he never, ever  lifts a hand against you again in his whole life. Or I personally will come after him.”

I felt her stiffen against me, then pulling away. Without a word she stepped away and sank down on the junction of the wall again.
Horror was suddenly taking a hold of me.
“It was the first and only time, right?” I slowly turned and stared at Dana. She was avoiding my eyes.
“Please, tell me it was the first and only time, Dana.”

Slowly, barely visible, Dana's head moved to say 'no'. I fell. Again. Deep into that hole of pure darkness. I grabbed the walls,holding on for dear life.  But I just kept falling. Deeper and deeper.
“What!?!” My voice  cracked with anger.

“It has happened before. Once, maybe twice. But that was a long time ago. It's been years. “ Dana admitted and then looked up at me.

I was furious. That changed everything. If he has done it before, how can she think he won't do it again? Had it been her fault back then as well!?! I doubt it. But I bet he has told her so. The last time and back then. Bastard! Once a wife beater, always a wife beater. Why doesn't she see? Lord, give me strength to pull her out of that!

“Don't look at me like that, Myra. It's not like that. He loves me. I love him. I know he won't do it again.”

“How can you be so sure about that?!” I asked. I had to pull myself together not to scream at her. That surely wouldn't have helped.

“Because he has promised me.” She said, flatly, without further emotions. Her eyes showed me that she wanted, maybe needed to believe her own words.

“Promised you?” I repeated her answer. Maybe saying it loud would help me understand her. It didn't.

“Yes. And I know he speaks the truth. He has never....done it that way.” Dana waved a hand towards her face. “He was really sorry for that.”

“Are you listening to yourself? At all?” My voice reflected my anger. Dana suddenly looked stunned. Her mouth closed and her eyes got big. I shook my head in frustration. “This is so crazy.” My head started hurting. Rubbing my fingers over my forehead I took a deep breath.

“Myra. Listen. It's okay. You really don't need to worry that much.” Dana said and reached for the sunglasses that were laying beside her, where I had dropped them earlier. She put them on and got up. “It's all going to be okay.”
With that she started walking past me.
She was hiding. And pushing me away. And building her wall. Strong and high. Had my anger done it for her? Had I missed my chance to help her?

When she walked past me, I grabbed her arm. She stopped in track, right beside me. Then looked up at me. I frowned. Her glasses hid her eyes very well from me. Hid her soul from me.

“Don't.” she said in a cold voice.

I didn't know what she meant with that. That's why I opened my mouth to say something, but she spoke first.
“Just leave it be.”

Her words and the way she said them, made it clear to me that she meant that. I didn't know what else to do but to let go of her arm and to back off from her. Dana looked away again and moved on. I didn't turn around but instead closed my eyes. The pain of knowing what she was going through and that she was – and is - too blind to see, is just too great.

Dana left the roof and I didn't see her again today. I stayed up on the roof for some more minutes. My mind was blurring with all that just had happened. I felt cold and alone. Helpless. Tears were coming to my eyes. Since Dana was gone I allowed them to fall.
I hurt so much not to be able to help her. Not to be able to be there for her when I knew that this was what she needed.

Obviously she didn't want it though. I guess there hasn't been anybody with her for years. No on that she could open up to. No shoulder to lean against. The one person you would have thought that would be able to take care of her, was the one person that hurt her the most. It was no miracle that she was then building a wall around her soul. That she was trying to protect herself from more disappointment and pain.

I don't know what to do about it. I have no experience with things like that. I have never known someone, who was in a situation like that. My family was always loving and taking care of each other. No one would have ever thought about hitting the other. Or disappointing each other like that. And with Jasmin and me it was the same. Even when we had a fight, we never disrespected each other in that way. We always knew we loved each other and that none of us would hurt the other one  deliberately. Not with words or hands. We could trust each other. All the time. How would I have felt if it hadn't been that way? How would life be for me, if there was no one that I could open up to? No one I could trust with my life? I don't know. But I can see now with Dana, what it is like and what it is doing to someone.

My tears tried away after some long minutes. I tried to pull myself together. My heart felt heavy, but there was nothing I could do at that moment. Maybe you're saying I should have gone after Dana. And  convinced her to not go back to Frank. To maybe even go to the police.
Maybe that would be a solution. In my eyes. In your eyes. But is that what Dana wants? No. I don't think so. She wants to be left alone and deal with it her way. Should I do that? Leave her alone? Let her go back to Frank to maybe be beaten again like that? She has told me he said sorry about doing it. That they have forgiven each other and that everything will be okay again. He has promised. Is that a true promise? But, am I the one who has the right to judge about that? Isn't a marriage about standing with each other through the good times and the bad times? Standing with each other, but not against each other. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

My heart tells me, screams at me, to do something. To not allow anything like this to happen to Dana again. To help and protect her. To think for her since she doesn't seem to be able to do so alone.
My brain tells me that it isn't my business. That I should stay out of her life if she wants me to. On the other hand it tells me that what is happening to her is so totally wrong. That I should go and get help. From whom?

Please help me. I'm so....lost. I don't know what to feel or think or do.

I'm sat on my bed at the moment and the whole confusion and worry from earlier today is coming back up. I just want to hide under my blanket and never come back out.
I wish I would have never followed Dana up to the roof. I wish I would have let it be. I wish I would have never seen those bruises.
I wish it all would have never happened. That there were no bruises on Dana's face. That she could life a happy life with her family. That she could feel the love of her husband like others do.

I wish I would have never met her....no, that's not true either!!! Absolutely not. There rarely has been anything better than meeting her. She's such a nice person. How could I truly wish she wouldn't have come to my life? I can't.

I.......oh damn this....I.....what....do.... I....do...know?
I need to sleep...I fell so tired...so very tired....and alone....how is Dana doing now? Please don't hurt her again, Frank. Please....

I have to lay down...my head is exploding....

Take care,

Yours,


                                    Myra