Dear Lucy

October 26th - October 27th

                                                                                                                       October, 26th, 2007


Dear Lucy!


It's 5:30 p.m. and I'm about to get a shower and get ready for tonight. I'm so excited. As if I was going out to a date. I mean, a proper date. Not a dinner between friends. Crazy. Totally crazy.
But it's important for me. And I want everything to be perfect.

By the way, I went to Dana's bureau today. I was a bit scared to knock at the door. What would be waiting in there for me? Happy Dana, sad Dana, angry Dana? I took a deep breath, said f***k it and knocked. Dana's voice was even as she called me in.

When she saw who it was though, her face lit up with a gentle smile. As I stepped into the room, I wasn't sure if that smile was fake or real. Dana didn't look too happy, but not as sad as yesterday. She was standing by one of the cabinets on the left wall, a file was laying on top of it. Obviously she was just working on it.

She dropped the pen she had been chewing on and turned towards me.
“Hey you.” she said, her voice soft and friendly.

The ugly feeling in my stomach that I had before knocking at her door, disappeared immediately. I stepped up to her and smiled.
“Hey you.”

“Before you say anything.” Dana leaned against the cabinet sideways with her hip. “I wanted to say sorry that I wasn't very friendly towards you yesterday.”

I nodded and was about to ask what had been wrong when she started talking again.
“I hadn't felt very good. Migraine, I think. I hope you're not angry at me anymore.” She reached out and stroked over my right upper arm.
What else could I do at that then grin like a fool and wave the whole thing off.

“No harm done. Are you okay again today?”
I was scared that she would say that tonight wouldn't work for her.

But Dana stood up straight.
“Yes, everything is good again. Some good sleep is able to work wonders. Now, are you ready for tonight?”

“Nothing could stop me.” I laughed. Truth is, the only 'thing' that would be able to stop me would be her. She didn't seem like she wanted to though.

“That's what I hoped to hear. I'm looking forward to it a lot, you know.”

Our eyes met and a warm wave rolled over my body. There it was again, this feeling of total comfort when I'm with her.
“Me too. Can't wait for work to be done.”

So, our dinner was settled. And that's what I'm going to get prepared for now.
Don't worry, I'll tell you tomorrow how it went, okay?

Take care.

Yours,


                          Myra








                                                                                                                       October, 27th, 2007


Dear Lucy!

I feel good....I feel goooooooooood.
Don't laugh at me. Yes, the dinner was great! Everything went out wonderful. We had a lot of fun and I would repeat that again as soon as Dana asks me to.

That's it....nothing else to say about it....
Take care....

Yours,

                    Myra

Nah! Of course not! Don't worry! I promised to keep you up to date. And here we go:

After finishing with my entry from yesterday, I took my shower and got dressed. Dana had told me that it wasn't a ten star restaurant we would go to and that neat casual wear would be okay. So, I put on black jeans, tight, with a white studded belt. Tight tank top under a tight zip up long sleeve shirt. Black as well. Black and white sweatband around my wrist. All in all, I think I looked okay. Hehe.

Dana came over exactly at 7 p.m. When the door bell rang, I was more than excited. I hurried to the door and let her in. She came upstairs to have a look at my apartment. Luckily I had cleaned up a few days ago.
When I stood at the door and she came up the stairs, I had to look twice. She looks so differently when she's not wearing her business cloths.
Today, she had put on blue jeans, a white vest over a red long sleeved shirt. Her hair wasn't brushed back tightly as she normally has it at work. Instead it was loosely falling around her head. She looked gorgeous. And happy. A big smile greeted me as she stepped up to me.
“Hey!”

I allowed her into my apartment to have a look around. There are still some pictures standing by the walls because I'm just too lazy to get started and put them up. Most of the boxes have disappeared though. Dana didn't seem to be that bothered about it. But she was more than surprised that I was living in such a small apartment.

“I would have thought it was bigger.” she laughed.

“No, no. But it's okay for one person.” I was standing behind her and was looking around my living room as well. It was small but comfortable.

“I like it.” Dana turned around and searched my eyes. I guess she feared that I thought she hated it.

“Thank you.” I nodded.

Then we went to that restaurant she had been talking about. It was in the middle of town, in a silent small alleyway. We had to park the car at the river and walk there.
Dana hadn't promised too much. The atmosphere was quite comfortable. There weren't many people in there and we found a quiet table for us.
The food was excellent and my plate was empty down to the last scratch. Dana laughed about that.

We talked. A lot. About work and how I was looking forward to finally get started in my new job. To make my ideas real. She said that she couldn't wait until she could have the first look onto our new web page. I had to promise her that she would be the first to see it. No problem about that.
We also talked about my family. How I had grown up and stuff like that. She told me about her family. The one she had grown up in and the one she was living with at the moment. The way she was talking about her daughter, I could easily see how much she loved her. The little angel must be a very sweet kid. She's only five and still in kindergarten. Even though she can't wait to get to school. I remember how I was looking forward to belonging to the 'old' kids. After the second class I hadn't been so sure of that anymore.

Dana also told me about Frank, her husband. That they had been friends since their teeny years. And that they already got married when she was 20. That Frank is a business manager and seems to work his butt off. They bought a house one year ago and since then they barely have enough money to pay off the rates. That's why he's working so hard and why she can't stay at home with her little girl.
All in all, Dana sounded happy about her live. But a small piece of doubt stayed with me. Especially because her face showed signs of pain whenever she talked about Frank working so hard and not being at home. And about their money problems. I don't know, but I bet those problems are reflecting on their relationship as well. As I said, I don't know for sure. Especially since Dana refused to go there. No matter how I tried to tickle it out of her, she always quickly changed the subject and I finally gave up. No way that I was going to destroy our nice evening! But I can feel that something is bothering her. Maybe one day I will be able to get to it. I hope so. Because I think it will help her to talk about it.

After we were done at the restaurant, we started our walk back to the car. At first in silence. I watched her from the side.
She looked content and very relaxed. It seemed that she was having as much fun as I was.

“So, you kept your promise.” I stated and grinned at her.

“Did I, hm? I told you I always keep my promises!” Dana turned towards me but kept walking. “It was very nice.” She smiled at me.

I nodded and smiled back. This dinner had been great. All the talking had deepened our friendship. At least for me. I feel even closer to her now. Every hour I spend with her, the more comfortable I feel around her. The more I get that feeling as if I have known her forever.

“Yes, it was very nice.” I confirmed and then fell silent for a second. I didn't want this evening to be over already. Now that I had her with me out of work for the first time, I really wasn't in the mood to let her go already. “You want to have a drink?” I blurted out in the hopes she wouldn't say no.

It looked to me, as I was stealing a sideway glance at her, that she seemed relieved that I had asked.
“Yes, yes. Definitely!” She retorted in a hurry. Then pulled herself together again as she realised how she had shot out that answer.

“Wonderful.” I started leading her away from the direction of the car  and back into town. It was a Friday night and the streets were quiet busy. Young people were walking around with bottles of alcohol in their hands. Screaming and laughing. Still, my whole attention belonged to Dana. We were walking in silence beside each other. But I was content about it. We didn't need to talk and it still felt good. It wasn't one of those moments where you try to find words as hard as you can. From time to time we smiled at each other as if to say that we still knew the other one was there.

Then it happened. We had to cross the street. Dana walked on without looking since it was a pedestrian area. I saw the bike coming from her right side, with me on her left side.
Without thinking I reached out and grabbed her upper arm to pull her back. The bike went past her with the biker swearing at us furiously. I didn't hear what he was saying as I was taken aback by Dana's reaction.
As soon as my hand had closed around her arm, she squeaked in pain and pulled her arm free in a hurried motion. She kind of jumped backwards from me, pure horror and pain in her face. Her other hand landed on her arm and rubbed over the area where my hand had held her.
I swear, I hadn't grabbed her too hard. I had been fast but extra careful. That's why I was so confused that she had reacted that way. It looked as if my touch had burned her arm.
I frowned.
“Are you okay?”

She immediately dropped her hand. I guess she hoped I hadn't realised that my touch had hurt her. Well, I did realise it. It wasn't hard to see!

“Yes. Everything is fine.” Dana said and started walking again.

“Wait!” I hurried to catch up with her again. “Did I hurt you?” I was scared about the answer.

Dana shook her head 'no'. I stepped up in front of her and forced her to stop. She did. Her eyes though, were everywhere but on me. I tried to make eye contact but she fought so hard against it that I finally just looked at her face. At least at what I could look at since she was looking down to the floor.
“You can tell me. Did I hurt you?”

“No! You didn't!” Dana said with a bit more force. Then she reached out a hand and gently stroked over my upper arm. “You didn't. Thank you for saving me. My hero.”
Now she looked up and grinned at me. I knew it was fake. But I dropped the subject. Maybe I had imagined the situation. Her reaction. Maybe it was the surprise of me pulling her back, that had made her squirm like that.
Dana walked past me and I followed her again.

We finally made it to the bar I had wanted to go to. It was very busy but after a few minutes of waiting by the door, we did get a table. I invited Dana to a cocktail. At first she didn't want me to pay for it, but with puppy eyes I persuaded her. I had a cocktail myself. It was hard to chat with her because with all the people and the music, it was just too loud. For the few sentences we exchanged, I had to lean over the table into her. As my mouth was beside her ear, her hair was tickling my lips. I could smell her sweet perfume. It made me close my eyes and I had to fight not to lean even further into her. When she answered my question, her warm breath against my ear made goose bumps rise all over my arm.

That doesn't mean that I got sexually attracted to her, okay? Not that you get the wrong idea! It was just....well, how do I explain that,....it was new that I was that close with her. I have hugged her before. Yes. But that always were quick movements with only short body contact. This time I felt her body heat linger around me. Her breath tickling my skin. Her smell pulling me into her. It was hard for me to pull back from her again. I admit that. But it doesn't mean anything, okay?! It doesn't! All I'm saying is that she has a good taste for perfumes.

Anyway, after half an hour or so, Dana said she had to go to the toilet. I wanted to wait for her at the table. When she didn't come back after too long a time, I decided to look if everything was okay. I mean, I'm not nosy. I just had this feeling in my guts that something wasn't right. And that I should go and have a look.
So I fought my way to the toilet. Opening the door a gap, I saw Dana standing in front of the mirror. She had opened her vest and pushed it down her left arm. She also had pushed the sleeve of her shirt down over her shoulder as far as possible. Leaning towards the mirror with her arm, she was inspecting something.
As I stepped into the room and came up behind her, I suddenly got the most stifling feeling. My eyes fell onto big, black and blue bruises covering her upper left arm. I felt my mouth open to say something, but nothing came out. Had I caused that? Thousands of horrible pictures flashed my mind and I had to bit my lip not to let any noise come out.
Dana's eyes met mine in the mirror. For a second we stared at each other. No muscle was moving. Everything around us blurred away. Then Dana slowly pulled her sleeve back over her arm, hiding the marks under the soft fabric. Our eyes stayed connected. I felt tears fighting their way up. Swallowing was hard. Breathing was hard. I did all I could, not to let the tears come to my eyes.

“I....that...” I stuttered. My thoughts were muddled. I just couldn't catch a straight sentence. Nervously my tongue licked over my lips.

Dana shook her head. Then she turned around and looked at me. There was sorrow in her glance. Hurt. Fear. And so much caring. She reached out a shaking hand and placed it on my cheek. My eyes fluttered shut at the soft touch. The skin under her hand tinkled with sensation.

“Don't worry. It wasn't you.” She softly said. I opened my eyes again and stared at her in disbelief. Not me? Who then?

“But....who? How?”

Dana smiled weakly and then forced herself to look embarrassed. Again, it was a fake reaction. No doubt about it.

“I fell at home and bumped into the corner of a cupboard.”
Dana said with a numb voice. Her hand dropped from my face and she turned around to the mirror again. Turning on the water she washed her hands. A motion to hide her nervousness.“So, no need to worry.”

I knew she was lying. I had seen the marks. The bruises had the exact look of fingers closing around her arms. That's why I knew she wasn't telling me the truth. Why was she doing that? Was she really expecting me to believe what she was saying? Do I look that dumb?
And, what is most important, who did that to her? Had it been me after all? I doubt it. As I said, I hadn't pulled her arm that hard. And, as I remember I had grabbed her just above her elbow. The bruises were further up her arm. Maybe inches away from her shoulder. What was that all about?

I couldn't believe that she was so directly telling me lies. What had I done to deserve that? It seems, she still doesn't have enough trust, to tell me the truth.
Maybe it's not my business. Who knows how the bruises happened. I don't want to go there. Well, maybe it was her husband. No, not in that way. I mean....you know....in THAT way....god...you know...during sex. Some people like it...'hard'. Maybe that's how it happened. I don't know. What do you think?
I'm really worried. I don't want to push into her privacy too much. But I don't want her to get hurt by anyone either. I don't know what to do.

I didn't either in the bathroom at the bar. For Dana the subject was done. She was washing her hands, not paying me anymore attention. I nodded without her looking and took a step back. My eyes fell onto her arm. The bruises were well hidden under her clothes. Out of sight, out of mind. Not for me. I saw them in my mind. No fabric could hide them away up there so easily.

I decided to let it go anyway. Maybe this wasn't the right moment to push her further. Not the right moment and place. Especially when the door opened and two giggling girls came in. I reached out and squeezed Dana's shoulder, just after her neck, gently. She looked up and into the mirror. I gave her a smile, trying to show her that I was with her. That I was there for her, no matter what. And that I would leave it be. That she didn't need to be scared of me asking anymore.

She understood. She lifted her hand and padded mine. A smile was playing around her lips. Saying a wordless “Thank you.”

I nodded and dropped my hand away from her shoulder. We both left the bathroom together. Instead of going back to our table we decided to leave the bar. The walk back to the car was weird. Thousands of thoughts were going through my mind. I felt uneasy and agitated. With my hands in my pocket trousers, I was walking beside Dana.
She wasn't saying anything either. I felt her watching me from time to time. I guess she was feeling my uncertainty. And didn't know what to say or do either.

Did that mean that our evening would end like that? I hated it. It all had started so well. We had so much fun at the restaurant and at the bar. Why did something always has to come between and destroy what we have just built? Damn it!

I was close to tears. My hands formed fists in my pockets. Then I suddenly felt Dana's left arm slip around mine. She linked her arms with me. A gentle squeeze of my arm brought my attention to her. She looked up at me and smiled fully. I wasn't ready for a sincere smile yet. I had thought. But the moment our eyes connected, all the worry fell away from me. I smiled back at her.

“Everything okay with you?” Dana asked carefully. Her voice was quivering as she seemed nervous about the answer.

“I was just....you know...thinking...” I looked ahead of us, the picture of the bruises on her arms coming to my mind again.

“Listen. Don't worry, okay. You haven't done anything wrong. The bruises..:” Dana stopped and pulled me around. I was stood in front of her and watched her fighting to find the right words. “The bruises came from my clumsiness. That's all there is to it.”

Brown eyes were trying to keep mine connected to hers. It was hard for me to play as if I was taking her explanation for real. Because I wasn't and am still not. She didn't fall. No way that this is what happened!
What was I supposed to do when Dana looked at me with such confidence that I bought her words? I nodded.

Dana started walking again, pulling me along gently.

When we reached her car, she finally let go of my arm. Turning towards me, she grinned.
“That was a great night! I had so much fun. I haven't had so much fun in a long time!!”
She was unlocking her car and laughed. “I feel like back in my teeny years.”

That was cute. And it made me happy to know that I had given her a good time. No matter what had bothered her in the last days or whatever had caused those bruises, she was happy now. That was great. That made everything good again.
“I guess I don't want to know what you did as a teeny!” I joked as I was sitting down in the car.

“I was well behaved. Thank you very much!” Dana protested my allusion with a laugh. “At least for all my parents need to know!”

I rolled my eyes playfully at her. I think, I would have loved to get to know her back then. But then again, I was how old...wait....when she was 16, I was 8. Okay. Maybe the age difference would have been a bit big for us to hang out. But I bet I would have liked and adored her back then already.
Not that I'm adoring her now. I just mean, as a kid, you adore older people. You see them as role models. I bet she would've been mine.

Dana drove me back home. It was hard for me to get out of the car and leave her. I wanted her to come up to my apartment with me. Not for that. Just to be around her some more. I didn't want the evening to end just yet. Even though it was late already. 00:45 p.m. to be exact. We had so much fun that the time had passed too quickly. Without us realising.
So, we were sat in her car for a few more minutes. I turned towards her and smiled.
“Thank you for today.”

Dana smiled as well.
“Thank you!”

“I would....love to do that again.” I was expecting her to say that she doubted that would be possible. She had made that clear before. This evening was an exception.

Instead she said:
“Yes, I would love that as well. But I can't promise you anything.” Dana shrugged her shoulders.

“I know. That's okay. I will dwell in the memories of tonight!” I dramatically answered, both of my hands landing on my heart.

Dana giggled and winked at me.
“You know....I...really like...” She cleared her throat and looked away. I saw her blush. A warm tingle ran over my arms. “I really like you.” Dana stole a quick glance at me, then looked away again. She was more than embarrassed for being so open.

It was too adorable.  I smiled. Her words were warming me from the inside.
“I like you too.” I said and reached to take her right hand that was laying in her lap. We entangled our fingers and I squeezed her hand gently. She squeezed back and then looked at me.

When our eyes met, I winked at her. This moment could have gone on and on forever. I didn't want it to ever end. I wanted to stay there with her. Just chat and forget about everything around us. Unfortunately that wasn't possible.

Finally, I gave her hand another squeeze and then let go of it. The loss of the contact with her, immediately made me feel cold and as if something was missing.
“I better go now.” I slowly said, not convinced myself that it was what I wanted to do.

“Yes.” Dana said, just as slowly. “Sleep well, Myra.”

“You too.” I stole another quick glance at her, as if  I would be able to take the moment and her with me if I just looked at her long enough. Then I got out the car and back to my apartment. I felt Dana's eyes follow me to the door. I only heard her car start and drive off as I was already on the stairs to my apartment.

I couldn't go to bed directly. There were too many feelings making my head dizzy. Instead, I sat down on the couch with a glass of water in my hands.
It had been a good night. It had been fun. A lot of fun! The thing with the bruises made me feel uncomfortable. I was scared still, that something was going on in Dana's life that wasn't all too well. That she got hurt. Body and soul. I hate that feeling. She means too much to me that I can just forget about things like that. But what am I to do? I really am trying so hard to get her to open to me. She never does. Okay, she does talk about her life. And she did even tell me that she liked me. But that were the most feelings I got out of her since we know each other. I hope that she will learn to trust me more. It will help our friendship.
I was sat on the sofa a bit longer, just reliving the night. I had to smile at it all. Hopefully she had as much fun as I had. But, it's so sad that the chances are so small that we will be able to do that again soon. I think it has done her good, too. Well, maybe she will fight for her right, to have fun apart from her family. Now that she saw that it isn't all that bad to go out without her husband. Is my wish to spend more time with her selfish? I'm back to wondering about that. And back to forcing myself to stay out of that decision. It's her life. If she wants it that way, I will have to accept it. As a friend.

I went to bed about an hour later. And I slept like a baby.

That's my report about my dinner with Dana. Satisfied? I am. I can't tell you how satisfied I am.

I will go and watch some TV now.

Have a nice day!

Take care!

Yours,
                           
                                                          Myra