Despertar

superstition

I can't really explain it. I just seriously have to do this at the arbitrarily designated times, and my journal would feel tainted if I skipped one.

*

1. Are there any previous relationships you wish could have lasted longer?
Good God, can you imagine if I had wasted any more time on Marcus? Speaking of Marcus, he called two days ago, if you can believe this, to tell me the new girlfriend had just arrived in Washington, and to ask if I had any recommendations for "really romantic Friday night date places." I honestly sometimes can't believe I ever actually thought I knew this person.

2. What's the most annoying thing anyone could do?
Chew loudly, right in my ear. If you ever want to make me jump out of my skin, or otherwise make me totally miserable, that's the way to do it.

3. When was the last time you saw the last person you kissed?
The day I left for San Francisco. Unfortunately, now that I think about it, that person was Chris. Tina and I decided today that I have a deadline, next Thursday, by which I really, really need to break things off with him. Ernie's right; at this point, I really am being a little shit for not ending that fiasco sooner.

4. What is your full name?
Octavius. But for short, they call me Gus.

5. Name a quote from the song you're listening to?
I'm not, I'm at work. However, if you'd like a quote from the white noise of my immediate surroundings, here's the most recent: "It's the same episode where he makes them do a Yankee swap and everyone wants the same iPod." I knew, without asking, that Kelsey and Iris were talking about "The Christmas Party," a second-season episode of The Office. Upon realizing I knew that, I couldn't decide whether to feel really worldly or like a real loser.

6. How is life going for you right now?
Hmeh. Middling. I may have mentioned my wisdom teeth are erupting on the right side. The pain is worse today than it was earlier this week, and I'm still spitting blood. Also, I'm frustrated with Justin, who is screwing up my self-imposed phone schedule. On the other hand, I'm wearing a new dress today, and my legs are smoother than usual. Looking pretty improves the quality of any day.

7. Missing question!
Okay. I'll go pee. Be right back.

8. Are you keeping a secret from someone that needs to know the truth?
Yes. Chris needs to know the truth. I realized yesterday that this has gotten bad, when he ended up teary on the phone because I had forgotten to call him back the night before. At first all I felt was guilty, but now I also feel completely turned off, because, seriously, even I don't get that whiny and particular about long-distance gestures. It's going to suck, though, "breaking up" with him, because he is very quickly planning our entire tenuous future, and because the longer I wait, the worse it'll be when he finally irritates me so badly that I just explode at him.

9. What is the last text you sent?
"I can't stand hair." To Chris, who was trying to engage me in an entirely unattractive dialogue about pubic waxing. When I had already told him I was late for lunch with my boss.

10. What do you think of your siblings?
I only have one, and he has turned out to be pretty much my best friend. So, to all those who get frustrated with their kids fighting all the time: take heart, it gets better.

11. What was the reason you last cried?
I'm pretty proud of myself, because I don't remember crying since the pickpocket incident. That day, I cried a lot, and then I went down to Justin's room, and I cried a little more, because he was so nice about it. It was weird.

12. What was the first thing you said when you woke up today?
I called Comcast to try to figure out why they haven't been yet to install wireless in my apartment. The first thing I said was probably, "Hi, is this Serge?"

13. Last time you couldn't take your eyes off someone?
Yesterday on the Emery-Go-Round, on the way home from the BART station, I sat across the aisle from an older guy in khakis, who had pretty much the biggest crotch bulge I've ever seen. He was sitting with his legs wide open, fully asleep, so I stared, like a child, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, till other people started boarding the shuttle and I had to be a grownup again.

14. What do most people call you?
Shannon.

15. Who is your celebrity crush?
My appreciation for Johnny Depp is deeper and a little more long-term than my ordinary celebrity crushes, which tend to be have pretty short lives, as they burn out after I overdose. That is to say, I will always love Johnny, but for right now, as I binge my way through all four seasons of Arrested Development, I am pretty focused on Will Arnett, and wondering how to liberate him from Amy Poehler.

16. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
No. Well, yes. My roommate from the second semester of my junior year in college, I couldn't stand her while we lived together, but she wound up being a good friend in the months before graduation. I never talk to her now, though.

17. What do you think of people who don't have sex before marriage?
Pretty much the same as I think of people who do have sex before marriage. I hope it works out for them. I am kind of starting to feel, however, like life is short, and the future is uncertain, and I don't know how well I'd deal with the thought that maybe I'd live and die a virgin. So more power to them, I guess.

18. Missing question!
Awesome, I have to pee again. It's all the tea.

19. Are you more indepedent or dependent?
I have the mentality of someone really independent and the functionality of someone really dependent. I would love to believe I could totally take care of myself and keep all my ducks in order without help, but I'm really too scatterbrained. I forget everything, all the time. Half the time, when people remind me to do things, like I'm a child, my annoyance is pure pretense, because I actually have forgotten.

20. Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
Yes.

21. Ever had a party when your parents weren't home?
Not at their house.

22. Missing question!
Sigh. The poor craftsmanship that went into this survey is just incredible.

23. Missing question!
That's okay, I went and got a string cheese.

24. How did you meet the second and fifth person in your phone?
One is my godmother, and one is front desk at the salon where I get, incidentally, Brazilians.

25. How old are they?
Aunt Pam is my mom's age, fifty-two. Bang Salon, I don't know, but none of the stylists there are older than thirty-five, so it probably hasn't been there ten years.

26. Who will you see tomorrow?
If anyone, probably the two other interns, or at least Iris. The intern's life is a lonely one, and she has been jonesing for some alcoholic refreshment since the day we got here. We're going up to The Mission, which, as she describes it, is kind of like its own Little Mexico, to hunt for enchiladas and margaritas, in some order.

27. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes. It's a lovely feeling.

28. Missing question!
You probably meant to ask me whether I've ever cheated on anyone, and the answer, as far as I'm concerned, is no. Chris, however, would probably count my goodbye sex on Justin's desk toward the opposite answer, which is why I have to end this, now. He's just too presumptuous, and he is taking too many liberties with the word "mine," as in, "you're mine," "thank God you're mine," "as long as you're mine," et cetera. GROSS.

29. Where will you drive when you drive next?
When I get driven? I'lll probaby be heading toward Cal to tour with the kids from the academy in Oklahoma City. When I actually sit behind the wheel, I'll probably be heading from my parents' house toward my apartment, or wherever Justin is.

30. Do you listen to loud music while your driving?
Besides loud music, nothing annoys me more than when otherwise literate people don't know the difference between your, the second-person possessive and you're, the contraction that stands in for you are.

31. Last person to lay on your bed with you?
Chad. We were watching Mr. Brooks for the second time, trying to figure out how much of it, if any, really happened.

32. Last time to the mall?
I go to the strip mall in Emeryville pretty much every day, just for something to do. I haven't been to the real mall since, like, February, when I went to help Justin pick an outfit for his birthday. Sigh.

33. What did you buy?
At the strip mall in Emeryville, I bought some Bacardi Limon and Smirnoff Ices, strawberry flavored. At the real mall, in February, I bought pomegranate lemonade and otherwise just trailed around behind yaying and naying potential purchases.

34. Do you give out second chances too easily?
I would say so. When I have some self-serving reason, such as not wanting to end a long friendship or not wanting to be lonely, I let people get away with pretty terrible things. When I should forgive, though, I tend to get pretty stingy. It sucks.

35. Last car ride?
The endless journey to and from Fresno, on Monday. Pretty, but endless.

36. Last serious conversation with your best friend?
Most conversations I have with my best friends eventually delve into the serious. Today, over meebo, Tina and I tried to figure out whether we're actually just too highstrung to exist happily in regular society. We decided maybe so. Back when I still considered Marcus my best friend, he used to come to me when he thought he'd had some major philosophical breakthrough and he didn't trust any of his fairweather groupies with it. Now, the deepest it gets with us is maybe we'll talk about how much dating sucks. Nothing more. Nothing about feelings or anything. I can tell he wishes we still had that, but I don't know how he thinks it's possible.

37. Do you hold grudges?
Well, like I said, I give out lots of second chances, but after you fuck up your last chance, that's kind of the end of it. I'm never going to forgive Marcus for the night I had to spend alone in that apartment with those disgusting floors.

38. Wanted more of something when you really had enough?
Outside of basic creature comforts, sometimes I don't think I've ever had enough of anything.

39. Felt that no one compared to you?
Is that conceited? Sometimes I feel that way when I'm trying to figure out how certain people could pick certain other people over me, but I'm sure that's just totally conceited. I do have those moments, though, honestly, where I look in the mirror, or down at my legs all folded up underneath me, and feel like, if I were a guy, this would be what I wanted. But according to Meg, everyone thinks they're the best, so.

40. Had plans and broke them?
I try not to do that, because of how upset I get when people do that to me. Sometimes, though, it's necessary.

41. Believe the phrase, "Why put off till tomorrow, what you can do today"?
No, I'm a professional-level procrastinator.

42. What school do you go to?
Georgetown University Law Center.

43. Missing question!
This better be the last one.

44. Are you a tease?
I try not to do that, either. Men apparently hate that. They hold cockteases in even less esteem than actual sluts. It blows my mind, trying to figure it out.

45. Who are you jealous of?
Lots of people. Angelina Jolie. Anyone who is deeply in love with someone who loves them back. First-time moms just meeting their newborns. Zadie Smith and other young, published novelists. The girl Justin said he wishes he had never broken up with in the first place. People who live closer to the Macarthur BART station and don't have as long a walk as I do. People who don't need anything but freedom and a little bit of cash to be happy.

46. Are you a bitch?
I guess I can be.

47. Ever had sex with someone with blue eyes?
No.

48. What can always make you laugh?
Failblog (thanks, Aaron!), certain scenes from my favorite shows and when Justin laughs first.

49. What do you want everyone to think of you?
That I'm the best thing that ever happened to them.

50. Where do you see yourself in four years?
Elsewhere.