Dear Lucy

October 25th

                                                                                                                     October, 25th, 2008


Dear Lucy!


Two things are worthy to tell you about today.
First, about Dana:
I met her in the hallway today. My heart immediately did a little flip and I rushed to her side as she was walking along the corridor. She was busy reading through some papers.

“Hey  there!” I chirped happily. There is only today and tomorrow until we're going out. What could possibly destroy my good mood??

Dana only stole a small glance to my side and nodded.
“Such a good mood, hm?”

“Yes!” I laughed. “I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. Remember that promise you made me.”

She didn't react as I had hoped for. Dana just kept on walking and mumbled a “Yeah, of course.” She closed the files in her hands and looked ahead. I would have expected for her to stop and look at me. To maybe exchange some sentences with me. But no! Instead she kind of ignored me. Well, not really ignored me. She just didn't pay me much attention. Like you do, when you're mad at someone. But why would that be the cause? I haven't done anything to her!
I tried to catch her eyes or have a glance at her face to read her mind, but it wasn't possible as she just kept on walking. When we passed the door to the bureau I needed to go into, I stopped. Dana didn't. She walked on.
I was shocked at that. That wasn't a very friendly behaviour. Not at all.

With my hands on my hips I called after her.
“Well, thank you for the conversation!” My voice must have sounded as angry as I felt. I really couldn't believe this. Not one fu***ing response to me. Just a few words mumbled at me. Not even one full sentence!
As soon as my words had reached Dana, she suddenly stopped, a few meters away from me already. I saw her lift her hand to her face. Her shoulders were moving up and down as if she sighed deeply. Then she slowly turned around, dropping her hand to her side again.

I kept my hands on my hips and stared at her. She was so far away from me that I couldn't properly read the look on her face. But even from this far away I could see that she wasn't okay. Something was going on. Something that made her very sad.
I suddenly felt sorry for snapping at her. I dropped my hands and walked up to her.

Brown eyes were taking me in with every step I made towards her.

“Are you okay?” I carefully asked as I stopped in front of her.

Dana nodded. Her hand returned to her forehead. She rubbed over it as if she had a headache.
“Yes. I'm okay.”

I frowned. Her eyes were telling me differently. She wasn't okay. I know how she behaves and looks when she is okay. That wasn't how she was today. Not at all. It scared me. She looked tired and as if she was hurting inside. About what, I couldn't guess.

Reaching out a hand I laid it on her hand that was holding the files. Her skin felt cold . My thumb automatically started rubbing over her hand.
“Is Tessa okay? Did something happen?” My concern for Dana was growing. All I wanted to do was help her. I'm her friend and I want to be the rock she needs if the tight comes too hard. Does she want me to be that support? I don't know. I really started wondering.

“No, everything is okay. I just.. .have a headache. Okay?”
I nodded to that even though I knew she wasn't saying the truth. Her eyes were telling me that she was lying. That hurt but I tried to push my feelings away. No time for it now.
“I'm sorry for...ignoring you. I was in thoughts and....let's just talk tomorrow, ya?” When our eyes connected again I saw pure hope in them. Hope that she could back out of this without any more questions.
I dropped my hand from hers and took a step back.
“Okay. Yes, we talk tomorrow.”

Dana shook her head slowly, showing me that she was sorry. Her lips moved, but nothing came out. I saw her swallowing hard and realised that she was fighting against her tears.
“Sh!” I lifted my index finger to my lips to give her a sign that she didn't need to say anything.

Dana's eyes fluttered shut for a second, then opened again. She had used that instant to get herself back together. Her walls were up again. A nod, a quick sign of a smile and she turned around again. With fast steps she hurried along the corridor away from me.

I don't know what to make out of this woman. She's starting to get me worried. Is she really what I'm taking her for? One day she's in the best of moods, the next she looks like she just wants to lay down and cry. Or die. One day she's the most fun to hang around with. She's funny and I've sometimes been able to see a glimpse of her cheeky side. She makes me want to spend more time with her. To be able to find out more about what's going on in her life. To discover her.
The next moment she seems to push me away. She hides from me. Rises walls without windows or doors. So no one is able to look into her soul. As if she was hiding something and was too scared for anybody, including me, to see it.
Is a friendship able to work that way? Do I want a friendship to work that way? In the few weeks that I've been around her, I have seen so many sides of her. The good ones. But also those bad ones. I don't want to be pushed away. I want someone as a friend who trusts me the way I trust them. I want her to share her feelings with me. To open up to me and not just push me around as she feels need be. Am I asking too much? Is it too early still for something like that? Maybe it's just me feeling that way towards her. I feel and know that I trust her. For me, there is something between us that makes me more comfortable to be around her than with anybody. I want to tell her about me and my life. I want to share with her what is going on. The things that make me happy, the things that make me sad.
You might say, 'You haven't even told her that you're gay, yet! How can you expect her to tell you everything!?!' Yes, that's true. I still have things I'm keeping from her. Why? Maybe because of incidents like today. Maybe because I'm scared of loosing myself into her when all she does is push me away when things get rough for her. Maybe because I'm scared that I could give too much of myself and not get anything back. Should I trust her the way I do? That is the question. What is the answer??

Anyway, let's just leave that subject. There was something else I wanted to tell you about:
It's about Nadja.
She phoned me yesterday evening. It was very, very nice to hear her voice again. We chatted about this and that. Mostly small talk. And then, I told her about Dana. She was surprised to hear about her.

I had just said that we won't be able to meet Friday, because I was going out with Dana. There was a moment of silence on the line. Then Nadja asked:

“Dana? Who's that?”
I'm not sure what she thought that moment. Her voice sounded calm, without emotions.

“Oh, I haven't told you about her?”
I really had forgotten to do so. It's not like I'm trying to hide my friendship with Dana from Nadja. Why should I?

“No. You haven't.” Nadja was still talking very calmly.

“Sorry about that. Dana's a colleague. We've talked a few times.”

“So...is she...beautiful?” The words were coming slowly, as if Nadja wasn't sure if she should ask.

I laughed at that.
“Yes, she's beautiful.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

I laughed again.
“And very married to a man.”

“Oh!” This time Nadja sounded as if she was embarrassed. “So, you're not...”

“No! Jesus! No! Not at all!” I immediately answered. “We are friends. Don't worry.”

“I'm not worrying.” Nadja stated flatly. “I was just curious. Because you never said anything about her.”
I could hear that she was trying really hard not to sound too nosy. Or as if she cared too much.

“Because there really isn't much to talk about her. She's just a colleague I get along with very well.” If I forget about what happened today.

“That's nice. I mean...:” Nadja cleared her throat. “I mean, that you have nice colleagues.”

“Yes. It makes work so much easier than when you have to work with bad ones. And...” I grinned to myself. “If you were working in our company, I don't think I would get ill one day.”

Nadja giggled.
“I don't think that would be such a good thing. Who knows if we would be able to work at all.” I could hear that there was a cheeky grin on her lips.

“What do you mean with that, hm? What do YOU think we would do then?” I was stepping onto dangerous ground there. It was fun to flirt with her. But, was it a good idea to do it? That moment I remembered how Nadja had kissed me last Friday. And what that had let us to. Still, I didn't back down from the talk we were having that moment. Maybe I should try not to be afraid that things are going too fast with us. If it feels good, why not do it.

“I don't know....” Nadja was lowering her voice. “Maybe I will show you the next time we meet.”

“Well, how about we meet tonight then?”

“Oh, so curious, hm? I don't know....I will have to look into my timetable.” She was teasing me. I liked it.

“You must be a busy woman if you need a timetable for all your dates.” I joked.

“Yeah, it's kinda hard to keep track of all them girls.” Nadja giggled.

“All them girls? And I thought I was the only one for you. You're hurting me.” I played as if I was hit by an arrow, directly into my heart.

“Well, you have your...what was she called again....Dana. Let me have mine.” Nadja retorted naughty.

“Look at you, little girl, cheeky, cheeky.”

We kept on talking for another half hour or so. It was fun. But in the end we didn't settle for a date. Maybe next week or something. Whatever happens, will happen whenever.

So, that's my two big incidents I had to tell you about. Even though I could have done without the first one. Easily.
I'm still wondering what was up with Dana. And how our dinner tomorrow will be like if she's in such a mood......scary.

I'm going to see if the clothes I want to wear tomorrow are really clean.

Talk to you soon....

Yours,


          Myra