Dear Lucy

October 22nd

                                                                                                    October, 22nd, 2007


Dear Lucy!

Where do I start? Saturday, nice day outside. My head didn't get much better after the bath though. That's why I stayed in and played on my PC. Then watched TV and went to bed early.

Sunday: got up relatively early. At 8 a.m. something, decided to use the last nice days and went jogging. Tataaaaa. I've told you I would do it. It was pretty hard for me to find a good rhythm. Maybe the long break of not doing any sports wasn't such a good idea. Oh well, I'm paying the price today. My muscles ache like hell. At least that way you know hat you really did something. What else did I do yesterday. I talked on the phone with Nadja for about an hour. I can't remember what about though. Nothing important, I guess. In the evening I watched a corny romance on TV. Made for housewives and myself. Sometimes I like to just shut off and watch movies like that. Even though I have to admit that this one was really, REALLY corny. I fell asleep on the couch after the film. Woke up again by 1 a.m.. Fought my way into bed.

Now it's Monday. It's 5:45 p.m.. It's already starting to get dark outside. I hate it. Well, winter is coming closer in big steps.

What has happened today:
I went to work. The whole weekend I had fought to keep Dana and our fight out of my mind. I really wasn't in the mood to think of it. Somehow, I really had been successful in not letting it bother me too much. During the weekend. But this morning, when I got dressed for work, her face and angry voice flashed my mind. I was stunned for a few seconds. Strange, that this has touched me so deeply. Anyway, I made my way to work, pondering what I would say or do when I would meet her. Luckily I didn't. I went to my office without paying much attention to her closed door. Sitting down at the desk that will be mine alone in the future, I took a deep breath. This wasn't good. I didn't want to spend the rest of the day trying to hide away in the bureau. But what else could I do? Of course, go and see Dana and have a talk with her. See what she had to say about why she behaved that way to me. I discarded that thought immediately. Why should I go and start the conversation!?! It had been her who had been so mean to me. Not me to her. If she had something to say, it was her duty to come and see me. Not the other way around.
In the beginning, it was hard for me to concentrate on the work. Stephan was trying to explain some stuff to me but I didn't really listen to him. Luckily, he didn't realise it and just kept on clicking around on the screen without really paying attention to me. At around ten or something he was called to the boss. As soon as he had left the office I leaned back in my chair. Turning it around I stared out the window. My thoughts were circling around Dana and the possibilities why she had reacted so huffy to my invitation.

I didn't hear anybody knocking. When the door opened, I heard a gentle voice saying: “Can I come in?”

I pushed my chair around and immediately saw Dana standing in the door. She was half in the room, half outside. Her hand was laying on the door. Looking at her, my attention was drawn to her brown eyes. She looked nervously and scared at me. Blinking, I nodded. I wasn't sure what she wanted but it was good to see her. My heart sped up and I had to fight the urge to get up and hug her. It touched my heart how uncertain she was as she entered the room and shut the door behind her.
Dana was wearing a grey business skirt that was reaching down to her knees. And a matching jacket. Underneath a white blouse. Her dark blond hair was brushed tightly behind her ears. She looked absolutely stunning.
“Hey...:” she softly said. I had to lean forward onto my desk to understand her. My heart was pounding so hard, I feared she could hear it from where she was standing just in front of the door. I didn't dare to say a word but just kept looking at her.

“I....I hope I'm not interrupting you at something. Because if I do, I can just come back later.” Dana was pointing to the door behind her.

“No! I mean....” I cleared my voice as it was threatening to fail me. “No, you don't have to go.” I smiled at her. Somehow I had already forgotten about our fight. It was as if her appearance had brain washed me. Deep down in my heart though I still felt the hurt pricking me.

“I wanted to...” Dana's eyes fell to the floor as she was thinking about how to formulate what she wanted to say.

I leaned back in my chair again.

A deep sigh and she looked up again. Our eyes met. I could see that she was fighting with herself. That she was scared not to say anything wrong.
“I wanted to say sorry. For what happened on Friday.”

Silence fell upon the room. I didn't dare looking away from Dana. She smiled weakly.
“I was...I didn't mean to get angry at you. It was...my fault. I'm sorry.”

As soon as I realised what she was saying I just wanted to tell her that everything was okay. I hated to see her so scared. But I held my breath. She stopped again, nervously playing with her fingers.

“Are you very angry at me?” Dana's gaze dropped to her hands. “Because...I...I would understand it if you were. I totally do. And I'm sorry for that.”

My eyes fluttered shut. Her words were spoken softly and from the shaking voice I could hear that she was fighting with tears.
I opened my eyes again and looked at her. She was still staring at her hands. Somehow she looked like a school kid that came to their mother to ask for forgiveness for having eaten chocolate before lunch. In a way it was very adorable.

“No, I'm not angry with you.” I tried to let my words sound strong. No idea if I had luck with that.

“You're not?” Dana's surprise was very vivid. She looked at me again.

“No. I'm not. It's just...” I wasn't sure how to tell her about my feelings. I had been angry. Yes. But most of all I had been hurt by how she had talked to me. Sitting there, in front of her, I wasn't sure though if I should tell her that. Did she need to know how deeply the whole thing had hurt me? Or should I just wave it off and forget about it? Maybe it had been a bit childish of me to react that way. Everybody has a bad day from time to time and maybe Friday had been one of the bad days for Dana. I probably had said something wrong without even realising it. I was wondering if I should just accept her apology and leave it at that.
But we were friends. We are friends. At least I am feeling that way towards her. That's why I want to tell her about my feelings. I think that she deserves that. Besides, I have never felt more comfortable with anybody to talk about everything than with Dana. Well, maybe with Jasmin. No, not maybe. For sure with Jasmin.

“Yes?” Dana took a step towards the desk and looked at me hopefully. That way she pulled me out of my pondering and brought my attention back to her.

“It hurt.” It was plainly said. No talking around it. Just a direct explanation of what the whole thing had done to me.

Dana's hands dropped to her sides. I could see the sorrow fly over her face. Her expression turned from fear into pure sorrow.
“I'm sorry, Myra. I can't tell you just how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you. It was all my fault and if I could turn back time I would do it without a second thought.”

“It's okay. I guess.” I smiled at her warmly. “If you could just...” My hands patted the chair beside mine where Stephan had been sat a few minutes before. “If you could maybe just tell me what I have said that made you so angry. So we can just get it out of the way.”

Dana immediately shook her head no. She came around the desk and sat down on the free chair beside me. She turned to me and took my hands into hers. A strong squeeze followed.
“No, please. You haven't done anything. It was absolutely my fault and there was nothing you said or did that caused my...anger.”

“Okay, then what was it?” I couldn't quite follow her. If there was nothing I had said or done, then what had bothered her so much?

“You see...it was so sweet of you to ask me to celebrate with you. I really, really would have loved to meet you and spend the evening with you.”
Dana let go off my hands and leaned back in her chair. I searched her eyes and rose my brows in question.
“Then why did it end like it did?”

“Because...well, you see, I'm a married woman.”

I felt my heart stop. Had she thought I was asking her out? In like “asking her out for a date”? A “romantic date”? Did she know I was gay? I had never told her about that. Plus, it never had been my intention to do that!! I had just wanted to spend the evening of that great day with a very dear friend. There had been no romantic feelings towards her. And there still aren't. Just because I find her attractive doesn't mean I immediately want to jump her. Dana is one of my best friends now. Don't ask me how that is possible since we haven't really spent that much time together. Normally I would be careful to call someone a 'best' friend so quickly. But with her that expression just seems so fitting. There is something that is connecting us. Deeply. And that is why I feel so close to her.

I opened my mouth to say something in response. But nothing came out. I was totally stunned at her words. She must have seen that as she quickly continued to explain.

“It's not so easy for me to go out just like that. I have a responsibility at home with Tess and Frank. We don't have that much time together. Frank is really working very, very hard. And the few hours we have, we always want to spend together. I can't just say that I'm going to go out and leave him at home alone with our daughter. That's too much to ask of him. He's always so tired when he comes home and I don't want him to having to deal with Tess as well. While I'm out having fun.”
Dana took a break and swallowed hard.

“But, I would have understood that. We could have found another day. When Frank's okay with you going out. Maybe at the weekend when he's not so tired and is able to look after Tess. That wouldn't have been a problem for me.”
I reached out and took Dana's hands. She smiled at me weakly and then dropped her gaze to her lap where our hands were laying. She freed one hand and dropped it on top of mine. It felt warm and comforting.

“No. That's not the problem. I can't leave him on the weekend either. I...”

“Not even on the weekend?” I blurted out in surprise.

“Look, married life is different than when you're still young and single. Things change.” Dana looked at me straight. Her words were coming out with force as if she wanted to absolutely convince me that there was no way she could leave her family for even a few hours. As if she wanted to pound it in my unknowing, young brain that she was married and that this meant always staying at home.

“I don't know.” I wanted to free my hands from hers but she held on tight.

“No, don't go away.” She pleaded. Next she lifted my hands to her mouth. Warm, soft lips placed a gentle kiss onto my fingers.
The gesture took my breath away. My heart did a flip. It was pure luck that I was sat down. Otherwise, I think I would have collapsed to the floor right there.
What was that about? Why did I react to that in this way? But most of all, why did she kiss my hands???

“Please, you must understand.” Dana dropped our hands to her lap again and directly looked at me. There was no way I could have lowered my eyes away from her that moment. The need in her voice was scaring me.

“What do I need to understand?” I asked.

“How much....how much you mean to me. I have met a lot of people. I had friends. Good friends. At least that is what I had thought. Then they turned away from me. It's hard to keep a friendship alive when you always need to say that you can't come to a party or a dinner. That you can't do anything with them. It was asked too much of my friends back then. Please don't let that happen again.”
I saw tears coming to Dana's eyes. She sounded so lost and sad.

“No way! I won't drop you just because you have a family and can't go out with me. I understand. I mean...” I grinned and shrugged my shoulders. “I don't have any children yet. But I'm able to imagine how much work they can be. I understand.”
With that I pulled Dana closer to me. We were both now leaning as far forward in our chairs as possible without falling over. There still was a respectable distance between us though. Don't you go getting any ideas here, okay?!?
I lifted our entwined hands to just under my chin and looked Dana deeply in the eyes.
I wanted her to see how I felt for her. That I wasn't and am not like the other people. I'm not going to drop her like a hot potato just because she has other things going on in her life. I understand that. Well, I have my doubts but it's her life and if her family needs her that much, I do understand. They are her priority. And that's good. That's how it should be. As long as she has this tiny place in her thoughts and heart for me, that is okay with me. That's all I want.

Dana smiled. She reached her arms out to me and we hugged. My hands wandered around her body and I pulled her as close to me as was possible while we stayed sat. Her hands were stroking over my back.
“Thank you. You are wonderful.” I heard Dana say from somewhere beside my ear. “And I'm sorry. Really sorry for getting so angry at you. I didn't mean to.”

She leaned back, ending our hug just as I was getting used to it.
“It was just so frustrating to me that I needed to say no again. I was scared that this would mean the end of our friendship.”

“Oh, it won't. Something like that is not going to get you rid of me.” I kidded with a cheeky grin. “You will have to think of something else.”

“I'm not going to.” Dana said seriously.

We both smiled at each other. It felt good to having talked about it. I hated that this fight had been standing between us. Now, that it is out of the way, I must be the happiest person on this planet.

“And, about this job...” The seriousness disappeared out of Dana's face. “I'm so happy for you. That's the best news I've heard in a long time. Congratulations.”

I took a deep breath and waved around the room.
“Yep, that is all mine now.”

Dana was looking around the room as well.
“It's all yours, yes.” She got up from her chair and looked out the window.

I watched her for a moment. Then got up as well and stepped up beside her. I turned my back to the window and leaned against the window sill. With my arms crossed over my chest, I stole a sideway glance at Dana. She turned her head and smiled at me.
“Are we okay again?” she softly asked.

“Of course.” I jostled my shoulders against hers.

“That's good. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling I had over the weekend.”

She had thought about me and our fight on the weekend!?!
I think that shows that I really do mean something to her. That lifted my heart even higher than where it had been already. I like the thought that our friendship is so deep already that she get's a bad feeling when we have a fight.

I mean, don't get me wrong, of course I don't want her to feel bad. I prefer it so much more when I know that she's happy. When I see her smile or hear her laugh. What pleased me though, was to know that she had thought about me and that she felt bad about our fight like only a friend would do.

“It's good now.” I retorted. There was another moment of silence. Dana turned around and leaned against the window sill like I was doing. Her eyes took in the room curiously.

“What is not good, is how this room is looking!” she suddenly stated with a laugh. I had to giggle. She was right. The office looked cold and wasn't very inviting to spend time in. Obviously Stephan didn't bother to feel any sort of comfortable in there.

Dana and me spent a few more minutes chatting. This time about how we could give the room a nice touch. She had a lot of ideas and it was fun to listen to her.
We talked until Stephan came back and Dana left to get back to her work. Not before throwing me a sweet smile just before shutting the door behind her.


I am back home now. And I am still so happy. I can't believe everything went back to normal that easily. It hadn't been very hard to talk to Dana. You would think that it normally takes a lot more time to get to know someone that well. Or, well enough to trust them that you're able to tell them your feelings. Without having to fear they won't understand or just laugh about you. Or ignore what you're saying. With Dana it is that easy. I trust her. And the way we so quickly made up proves to me that I am able trust her without doubt. If our friendship wasn't that good already, I'm not sure that the whole incident would've passed us so quickly.

I really hope, we won't fight again soon. It wasn't nice. Just thinking about it lets a cold chill run over my back. I wonder if it felt the same for her? She had told me, it hadn't been a “pleasant” feeling. Whatever that is supposed to mean!
I should stop thinking about the fight though. Instead I want to keep in mind how wonderful it was to spend time with Dana. Today.

That reminds me of another thing: will we ever be able to spend time together outside of work? And, why can't her husband, at least for one evening, take care of  Tessa alone? I mean, come on, it can't be that hard. Especially when it's in the late evening and the girl is asleep already. I do understand that Dana and her husband want to spend as much time together as possible. Jasmin and me were the same. Still, we also went our own ways from time to time. Doesn't a relationship need that freedom to survive?
Okay, Dana said her husband is working really hard. I suppose he isn't at home very much then. Maybe that's the reason, why not one evening for a dinner with friends is in for me.

I guess it's not my business anyway. If they want it like that, it's fine with me. I will still try to be best friend's with Dana. And use the time we have to get to know her better.

My stomach is starting to roar. So, I will go and see what I'm able to cook with what I have left in my fridge.

Take care!


Yours,


                      Myra