Dear Lucy

October 20th

                                                                                                                         October, 20th, 2007


Dear Lucy!

It's...wait..let's see...it's 1:33 p.m. now. Saturday. I've gotten up about 15 minutes ago and made me a coffee. Now I'm back in bed, coffee in one hand and pen in the other. My head hurts a bit from a tiny, tiny bit too many drinks yesterday. But (!!), I wasn't as drunk that I don't remember what happened. I do remember, clearly. I'm not sure if it's good to bring it back to mind though. Now it has happened and I can't change it anymore.

You will ask yourself, what the hell happened? What have you done now, Myra?!? Don't worry. It's not THAT bad. Just....well, we'll see what will come from it in the future.
Okay, okay, I won't keep you on tenterhooks any longer. Let's see, were should I start?? Right, I finished yesterday just before my shower.

Well, I had that shower and got dressed. Nothing fancy. Just some casual stuff....my blue jeans and a black T-shirt.
I went to town with the tram and met with Nadja at that restaurant I've told you about. She was waiting outside the door already. Her face lit up as soon as she saw me and she came rushing to me. With some kind of squeek she grabbed me and gave me a big, tight hug.

“I'm so happy for you! It's so wonderful!” she laughed at me in excitement. When stepping back from me she dropped her eyes to the floor. “I'm sorry that I didn't get you any present. I really wanted to. But I just didn't find the time.”

I shrugged my shoulders and waved her off.
“That's no problem. I don't want anything. That you're here with me is worth more than any present.”

Nadja looked up and our eyes met. I grinned at her.

“Alright. But, let me invite you tonight, okay?”

“No, I can't do that. I've asked you to go out for dinner with me. So I pay. Plus, I've got a proper job now and you don't.”

“No, no. Just let me do this, okay?” I couldn't resist the cute look she was giving me and said yes.

The dinner was very good. Big portions for cheap. We talked about everything that came to our minds. My new job, how her studying for her A-levels are going. About her friends. About good places in Würzburg to go to. The time went past quickly and my mood got better and better every minute.

It's always so easy to be with Nadja. It seems we really connect and it's just fun. I really like listening to her stories about what happened at school or about what she did as a child. She seemed to be a real tomboy. And still is in a certain way. She makes me laugh. Very quickly, I forgot about the fight between Dana and me in the morning.
After we finished our dinner we walked through town and over to the “Magic Mountain”. She slid her arms around my left one and held on to it. I felt her body bounce against mine from time to time. It was a pleasant and warm feeling. She kept on jabbering about stuff I don't even remember anymore. I mostly listened to the words sputter from her mouth. From time to time I had to laugh at one of her childhood pranks. The walk was much too short for my liking.

The club was already very busy when we arrived and we had to fight through the people to get to the back of the room. We met Nadja's friends at the bar and then found us an empty couch in one of the corners. It was so much fun to hang out with all of them. This time I didn't even get bothered about them maybe being too young for me. About their different opinions and sights on stuff. But then again, I didn't talk with them very much. Most of the time I was nibbling on a cocktail and watching the people dance.
Until Nadja asked me to come and dance with her. I wasn't really in such a mood for it. Which is strange for me because I normally love to dance. But another puppy eyed look from her and the next moment I found myself out there on the dance floor.
We must have danced for a long time, when a slow song started. Most of the people immediately fled from the dance floor, leaving only the couples behind. I wanted to turn and go back to our couch as well, when I felt Nadja grab my hand gently and pull me back. Our eyes met and she smiled at me with such sweetness. My heart started pounding faster immediately. Nadja grabbed my other hand, our eyes still locked to each other. Then she gently pulled me closer and laid my arms around her hips. Her own hands wandered around my neck. I felt her fingers play with my hair. I knew that my face was showing how irritated I was about the whole situation.

It's not that I don't like her. You know that. I think I've told you that before. She's really cute and, as I said earlier, such fun to be around with. But do I want to take the next step in our relationship? Am I ready for that?

Nadja pulled my head down to her and I felt her lips against my left ear.
“Don't look so worried. I just want to dance with you. That's all.”

I turned my head a tiny bit to the side so that our faces were only inches apart. Looking into her eyes I saw that she meant what she was saying. She had told me before that she didn't know herself what she wanted from our relationship. That she just wanted to see where this was taking us.
I smiled at her and pulled her in closer. Her arms slid further around my neck. Her warm body pressed against mine. We moved with the music and I closed my eyes.

The last time I have felt someone that close, was with Jasmin. It's been a while. But I can still remember her smell and how she felt in my arms.
God, I do miss her. I can't fight it. For that she has touched me too deeply. After all, I had thought that she would be the love of my life. The one and only. Until we both die. Forever. And then everything had come differently.

Dancing that close with Nadja felt good. But the memories of Jasmin's warmth against my body made my mind blurry.
Nadja must have felt me stiffen. She leaned a tiny bit backwards and looked at me curiously.
“Are you okay?”

I nodded and smiled at her. Everything was fine. I have to get over Jasmin. I HAVE to forget her and move on. No question about it. Maybe Nadja will be able to help me with that.  Who knows. It's possible that she's the one that will heal my heart.

We were still moving with the music as Nadja reached out and brushed her fingertips over my face.
She suddenly had a look in her eyes....I don't know....it was warm and full of caring. It was inviting me. Pulling me in. Yet, I don't know if I really read it the correct way. Whatever was going on in her mind, it made her stretch up and lean in to me. I didn't dare to move. Next thing, I felt her soft lips against mine. Before I realised what had happened Nadja pulled back again.
I think she was as stunned as me about what she had done. I felt my mouth opening, but nothing came out. She took a step back and stared at me. Everything around us suddenly vanished from our attention. There was just the two of us. I dropped my arms as she did. We must have looked like two total idiots, standing in front of each other like that. Just looking blankly at each other.

My mind started spinning. I saw her moving her lips as if she was talking to me, but I couldn't hear a word. Then I saw her furrow her brow.
I was just about to take a step towards her to be able to hear her better, when someone pushed into me from the side. We hadn't realized that the music had changed and that the dance floor was getting crowded again. The person that had hit into me, a young guy,  excused himself with a hand on my upper arm and a grin. I nodded to him and then looked back to where Nadja had stood. She was gone.

My heart dropped. Quickly I searched around the dance floor in hope that she just had been pushed out of my sight. But I couldn't find her. Where was she gone? I quickly made my way back to the couch that we had conquered earlier. Some of Nadja's friends still had been there. But there was no sign of her.
It took me only a second to ponder what to do next. One of her friends told me that she had said that she wasn't feeling so good and that she would be going home. What was going on now? Had the kiss been so stunning that she needed to flee from me? I felt unsure and more than nervous about the whole thing myself. But I needed to talk to her about it. I excused myself and rushed to the exit. Outside I looked up and down the street and finally saw her walking towards town. Not walking, hurrying as if she was late for something.

I damned myself for not paying attention to her. Damn! I should have reacted differently to her kiss. And not just stand there like a total idiot.
No way that I would let her go like that. I wasn't sure what to say to her. But it didn't matter as I was running after her.

“Wait! Nadja!....Wait, please.” I called after her but she kept on walking. Ignoring me totally. Two more steps and I was beside her. I reached out a hand and caught her arm. She topped immediately but didn't turn around.
“Wait, please.” My voice sounded shaky in my ears. I tried to speak as softly as possible. “Please, look at me.”

Her shoulders dropped and she took a deep breath. Then she turned around and looked at me. I saw how scared she was of my reaction. I smiled at her warmly.

“I'm....it's...” No full sentence was coming to my mind. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath myself.

“No, don't say anything.” She suddenly said.

As I opened my eyes I saw a small, shy smile fly over her face.

“Look, I'm sorry for what I just did. I didn't mean to....” Nadja was openly searching for words to explain herself. I didn't dare to move.

“I didn't mean to push you to do anything you don't want to do. It was just....a....could we maybe just forget about it?”
Her eyes showed me no sign if she really meant what she was saying. I frowned at her and watched her closely.
“We don't need to do that. It's okay. I mean...”

“You don't want to forget about it?!” Now it was Nadja's turn to frown. I felt her eyes bore into me.

“No, we don't need to. I mean, I have no idea what it means. For us. It was...” I had to grin. “It was nice.”

Nadja grinned as well and nodded. A soft “Yes, it was.” escaped her mouth.

“It's just...don't get me wrong. I really, really like you. A lot.”

Nadja blushed and dropped her eyes.
“I like you too, you know.”

“Oh, you do, hm?” I pushed my shoulder softly against hers and winked at her.

“Yes, I definitely do.” Nadja nodded and grinned at me. Our eyes met again.

It felt good to lighten the situation. But I had to be serious with her. I don't want to let this kiss stand between us.

I do like her. She's become a very good friend for me and, as I wrote earlier, it's so much fun and joy to hang out with her. It makes me feel good to be by her side. Everything else seems to vanish in the moments when we are doing stuff together. In no case I want this to be destroyed.
However, I have no idea what that kiss means for us. It wasn't like a deep, lovers kiss. And maybe that is the problem. It did feel good. But is good enough? Shouldn't it be great? Shouldn't it be earth shaking great when you love someone? Shouldn't it leave you breathless and not like what it did to us? Was it maybe not the right atmosphere for this to happen? In the middle of a crowded club with hundreds of eyes watching us. Or, it just wasn't the right time. Maybe we're not ready for that step. At least not me.
Not maybe. I think THAT is the case. I'm not sure if a 'good' is enough for me. If a 'good' is what I want it to be. Maybe there's more to come from this. Maybe a 'good' is a wonderful way to start from. Or to just see where it takes us. I think that's how it's going to be.
I want Nadja. But as a friend. At the moment. I'm not saying that our friendship is the last stage. Maybe we will reach a point when a kiss feels more than good. When it feels like it's supposed to be. Who am I to decide that now? You never know what live has to offer you in the future. Right?

I didn't want to hurt Nadja's feelings. Looking at her, there, on the street, I wasn't sure how to explain myself. What were her thoughts about that kiss? Perhaps she had felt it differently than me. I don't know if the kiss had been great or good or maybe even a catastrophe for her. That didn't make our situation easier.

Nadja blinked at me. Once, twice. I reached out and took her hand. It felt warm in mine. My thumb, by itself, started to gently caress her hand.

“I...please don't get me wrong now, okay?” I caught her eyes. She needed to look at me and see how I meant what I wanted to say. It came from the heart and I hoped she would realise that in my eyes.

Nadja nodded. I saw how scared she was of what was coming. I took a deep breath.
“Look, I....that kiss...”

“Yes?” Nadja fell into my words. I lifted my free hand and stopped her.

“Please, let me just say this, okay?”
Her mouth closed immediately.

“Okay, well....that kiss.” I cleared my throat. “It felt good. Very good. But I don't know if I am ready for this. To take that step.”

Nadja's face showed no sign of what she was thinking or feeling. I took her other hand as well and squeezed them both gently.
“Please, don't be mad or something at me. I like you. And I really mean that. You've got a very special place in my heart.”

Nadja nodded but didn't say a word. Was she angry at me? For letting her kiss me and then pushing her away again. Or was she just hurt so deeply that she couldn't react to my words. I was scared that moment. My heart sped up double. What am I saying...triple speed. 

Then I felt her squeeze my hands as well.
“That is okay, you know. I mean...” She smiled the sweetest smile at me. “I don't know myself where that came from or what it meant. I like you as well. I like being with you and there, on the dance floor, it felt so damn good to be close to you.”

I saw her blush again and she dropped her gaze to the street. I encouraged her with another squeeze of her hands.
“I don't want to rush this either. Don't worry, okay? I really hope we can go from there and see where we land, ya?”

Despite her 18 years of age she seemed so grown up to me at that instant. Her words gave me hope that the kiss hadn't destroyed everything we had.
I laughed at Nadja and pulled her in for a tight hug. She returned it with such force it surprised me. A heavy weight had fallen off my shoulders and I suddenly felt like flying. Then she leaned her head to the side for a second. Next, she pressed her lips on my cheek.

“What was that for?” I asked surprised as she slowly freed herself from my arms. We held hands again.

“For being my friend.”

I laughed and leaned over to her. Like she had done, I pecked her on the cheek.
“For being MY friend.”

Damn! That had been so close. The whole evening and night had been so nice and then the kiss had happened. I really had feared loosing Nadja because of it. It would have broken my heart. And I would have had to kick myself in the butt for letting it happen.
I'm still, now that am sat here in bed, asking myself how it came that far. I mean, why didn't I stop her before she could kiss me? Had I maybe wanted for it to happen? But why? Take the risk to lose a good friend when it doesn't work out? I think when it happened, out there on the dance floor, my brain had stopped working. The whole situation and feeling her so close to me, had shut my senses and everything down. The memories of Jasmin had done their best as well, I think.
I'm just so very, very happy we talked about the whole thing. That it didn't destroy us.
And now we are able to see where life is taking us both. What destiny has planed for us.

Oh, by the way, we didn't go back to the club again. It was 5 o'clock already and we went to the next best bakery that was open at that time of the day. We had a quick but very good breakfast and then I accompanied her to the next bus stop.
It wasn't before 6 o'clock that I finally arrived back home and fell into bed. I think I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.

What a night! What a DAY! First getting the job, then the fight with Dana (I could have done without that one), then a wonderful dinner and a good time in the club. Then the kiss and my whole world suddenly spinning like crazy. Then talking about it and everything coming out the way it did. I hope the weekend will be a bit calmer than this.

I think I will go take a bath now. Maybe it will help my head. And still, I promise, I haven't drunk THAT much. Really...


Take care.

Yours,

                        Myra

P.S.: My hand is hurting now from all the writing.