Despertar

a mighty gift

1. Who's the main character in the book you're reading (or the last book you read)?
Technically Jackson Brodie, but before I reread Case Histories (which, Stephen King's stamp of approval means a lot to me, but I just didn't think it was a masterpiece, plus the tenses were all wrong), I finally made it through The Poisonwood Bible, and Leah Price was one of the most annoying heroines ever, as heroines go. I liked Adah, though.

2. What hair color does your history teacher have?
I haven't had a history teacher in about six years, but when I last did, her hair was blond.

3. Did you see and/or talk to anyone today that you haven't seen/talked to in a while? Who?
It's only eight-something in the morning, and I've only seen a few people, all but one of whom I didn't know at all.

4. What song are you currently listening to, or what song did you listen to last?
Lil Wayne's "Lollipop," in the car. I don't care who tells me that song is "beneath me," it's one of the best singles of the year.

5. What class do you usually write notes to your friends in?
All of them. Everyone is on gchat all day in law school.

*

So I hung out with Marcus on Tuesday. He's working in the city this summer and was insistent that we should see each other at least twice before I leave for San Francisco. His new girlfriend (who's really not so new anymore, they've been together at least a year and a half, and probably longer) will be working in D.C. as well, but she doesn't get here for a couple weeks yet, which, to his mind, means we have "a couple weeks" to get caught up with each other.

I guess I didn't really think through how sleazy that was until afterward.

*

6. If you got married to your current love interest and took their last name, what would your full name be?
I can't tell you that, because then everyone would look him up on Google and tell me he's a retired porn star, which, having made it this far not knowing that, I'm good, really.

7. What did you get your mom for Mother's Day?
Eventually I gave her a stereo set for her iPod and two potted shifleras for her new office. What did my brother give her? His blessed presence and a smile. Yet, somehow, I came out as the bad guy in the whole Mother's Day saga. He didn't even know she had an iPod or a new office.

8. Last thing you ordered when you went out to eat?
Fried rice from the Jackey Cafe in Chinatown.

9. What's your favorite flavor of Italian ice?
Passion fruit.

10. What's the funkiest pair of pants you own?
Eggplant corduroys from J. Crew. I'm not that funky.

*

I guess I also hadn't really realized we hadn't seen each other since graduation, which is a weird feeling, considering I used to get terribly depressed when we hadn't seen each other in five days. He looked incredibly diminutive when I spotted him coming out of his building on E Street. I think my mind used to magnify him enormously.

He said "I've missed you" as he hugged me. He said it twice. I tried to find the strength to say it back, but, for pride reasons, I had to pretend it wasn't true, that I hadn't thought about him at all. I said "We're in the street, we can hug later."

*

11. Which of your cousins is closest to you in age?
I have two of them, and they're eleven years away in either direction.

12. Are your best friend's parents married?
I actually only really have one close friend with divorced parents, which is unlikely.

13. What color is your roof?
God knows. I've never been up there.

14. Pick a random picture that's on your wall and describe what it is.
No pictures on the wall yet, but when I get some time, I'm going to make four collages in like colors, frame them in identical frames and hang them together at staggered heights, like Tina did in her apartment.

15. How often do you use the school computers?
Almost never, except for in the library, to look up the location of a journal, or at the registrar, to check what time my appointment was supposed to be.

*

I took him to Utopia, on U Street, my favorite place in all of Washington. It's kind of just your basic bistro, I guess, but they have live jazz every night of the week except Monday, and the performers are usually pretty legit. I picked that place kind of as a testament to how far I've come, because there was a time when I would have broken my back trying to find a place he'd like. Jazz is my thing, not his.

I had key lime pie and a key lime martini. He had raspberry cheesecake and some kind of Jamaican coffee with rum in it. He kept offering me bites off of his personal fork. I refused them several times.

*

16. What song reminds you of an ex?
Everything by Dave Matthews. Also, now, "Emily."

17. Do you think it's ridiculous when anyone who hasn't been in a relationship for two or more years talks about marriage with their partner?
Sort of, I guess. On the one hand, I would say your best bet is knowing how your partner acts under a variety of circumstances, which you can only find out through prolonged experiences. On the other hand, though, I wonder about any couple that's been together for several years and doesn't make a commitment because they "aren't sure" yet. I mean, if you're really right for each other, you shouldn't need seven years and a common-law license to figure that out.

18. What's your favorite band's biggest hit?
I don't have a favorite band.

19. Did you ever order one of those CDs off the television (like the "GREATEST ROCK HITS" or whatever ones)?
No, but Justin and I watched the whole "Best of 90s R&B" infomercial twice over, once, without realizing we had done so until Justin mimicked Shai's "My Friend" falsetto for the second time.

20. What method of hair removal do you use?
Brazilian waxing and shaving.

*

I knew he would get tired of her before too long. From the sound of it, they've already run out of things to talk about, which is unsurprising, considering how repetitive she is. I spent an hour on the phone with her once, and I found myself incredibly distracted.

I asked about her, very politely, like I always do. He rushed through his answer, like he always does. Except that now I really don't care, he can go on about her as much as he wants, and in fact that might be kind of refreshing, considering he thought she was worth making me feel like a total ass. Considering she makes, or made, him want to be a better man. I talked about Justin endlessly, anyway.

*

21. When's the last time you wore a headband?
Probably the last time my hair looked a wreck.

22. What's your favorite character from your favorite show?
Andy Bernard and/or Ike Brovlovski.

23. Do your parents like your music?
Some of it.

24. If you're home alone and an unknown caller asks if your parents are home, what do you say?
"Yes" if they are, "no" if they're not.

25. Do you have a window in your shower?
No.

*

I also talked about Chris. I guess I was being a little bit of an asshole. Honestly, though, it made me feel a little regressive, hanging out with the person primarily responsible for making me feel like I would never have one guy after me, much less two incredibly decent ones. I emphasized the number of pounds Justin can bench and Chris's six-figure income, which, I now realize, was incredibly sleazy of me. I really did enjoy the look on Marcus's face.

He tried three times to take my hands in his. He said "I'm hardly surprised you're in this situation, it's about time [the men of the world] see what a catch you are." The irony. He called me "a catch" over and over, at least once every twenty minutes the whole night. When I got up to use the bathroom, and the bass player from the jazz trio stared after me with his eyes locked on my ass, Marcus laughed and said "What do you expect? You're hot." I have no idea how the irony escapes him.

*

26. In the winter, do you put down the storm window and move the screen up or just leave the screen where it is?
I have no idea what you're talking about. In the winter, I leave the windows shut, because it's cold outside.

27. Has this year gone by incredibly fast, or did it just drag on really slowly?
Depends. Graduation seemed like just yesterday, and I really can't believe I've already finished the hardest third of law school, but at the same time, I feel like an incredibly different person than I was at this time last year.

28. Do you know anyone who annoyingly brags about themselves 24/7?
Of course. Who doesn't?

29. Do you ever jokingly call your friends "sexy," "baby," etc.?
No. For some reason, I think that kind of weird flirting between female friends is weird. And that would be stupid to do with my male friends.

30. What hangout spots are within walking distance of your school?
The Mac! It's the only place we ever hang out, and our special booth is always available!

*

I was wearing, I'm not kidding, my most half-assed outfit ever. Jeans that are a little too tight, a tank top with built-in bra, a wife beater, flip-flops, a silver belt I took from my mom's closet. Marcus has certainly seen me in worse, but I'm certainly capable of better, at this point. Marcus has, in fact, seen me in each of those pieces separately at some point or another, one as distantly as five years ago, demonstrating how not-current they are. Now that I'm a little less frighteningly thin, though, I fill them out differently.

He still has his braces. His "mighty gift" is all teenagery and silver. It's totally his fault; pure laziness and fear of the dentist are the only reasons he didn't get them off seven years ago. He's had them the entire time I've known him, so that when we were in school together, I hardly noticed them except when other people mentioned how out-of-place they looked on a guy who otherwise looked like a walking "dress to impress" illustration. On Tuesday, they were all I saw.

*

31. Isn't it weird how some people do their hair all nice and have a cute outfit on, even though the weather is horrible and is probably going to ruin all their hard work anyway?
For that matter, we're all going to die, and no one will have kept a record of our fashion triumphs. If you look at it that way, people might as well not wear deodorant on hot days, either. I think we can agree that there are some risks worth taking.

32. Does it bother you when people are constantly away on AIM so you don't know if they're really there or not?
I just assume all my friends are at their computers constantly screening IMs, lkike me. The "away" function has really lost all its usefulness in my social sphere.

33. If you were raped, would/do you still consider yourself a virgin?
No. Whether you believe the loss of virginity is significant for its physical implications (the possibility of contracting an STD, the possibility of getting pregnant, the lack of a hymen) or for its spiritual ones (purity in the eyes of God, emotional baggage, resultant attitude toward sex) doesn't matter--all those implications are just as relevant to the case of a rape victim as they are to a person who lost his or her virginity by choice.

34. Is your period light, heavy, or somewhere in the middle?
I don't have anything to compare it to. Valerie claims she only uses one tampon a day during her period, which I don't really believe, and also ew, Toxic Shock Syndrome alert, but if she's telling the truth, then I guess mine is relatively heavy.

35. Do you think skinny jeans look bad on big people (and I'm not just saying chubby people, I mean FAT FAT people)?
Skinny jeans look bad on most people.

*

After two key lime martinis and half a Stoli razz/Sprite/cran, I was kind of iffy by the time I dropped Marcus off at the dorm where he's staying. Not drunk, not even too tipsy to drive, but I definitely had to pee, so I took him up on his offer to "come up and see the digs."

I peed, quickly, and when I came back out, he was smoothing out his bedclothes, casing a second pillow and generally getting the room ready for a co-sleeping situation. I just stared at him. "I thought maybe you'd want to stay here instead of making that huge drive again," he said. "But I can't promise I won't take advantage of you."

*

36. Are you an Atheist, or do you know any Atheists?
Most of my friends who aren't religious won't commit to anything stronger than Agnosticism, figuring, I guess, that Atheism is just as time-consuming and underinformed as any major theistic religion.

37. How big of a role does religion play in your life?
If my life were the movie Aladdin, religion would be the character of Iago. Obnoxiously funny but by no means the primary antagonist.

38. What's your best friend's screenname?
LiLaNgElDrEeMr92.

39. Would you rather date someone who was super-conceited or someone who had a very low self-esteem? Why?
The former, because if I've learned anything from this Chris thing, it's that I don't have the resources to constantly reassure someone who isn't that comfortable being dominant. Conceit is really unbecoming, yes, but in a relationship scenario, having someone who believes strongly in his own value beats the shit out of having someone who is always insecure.

40. How many kids do you want in the future?
Thousands. Eighteen. Three. Two. Two.

*

I left, of course. I was remembering an all-too-recent phone call from an irate girlfriend calling me out on (nonexistent) long-distance seduction tactics. If she's the type to snoop through call histories, mightn't she very well show up unannounced on a doorstep to see what kind of company he's keeping?

Not to mention, I had no interest in hooking up with someone who spent the better part of four years making me feel stupid, weak and hypersensitive. I considered an elaborate show of ignorance, flipping him off or cussing him out on top of my emphatic no, but it suddenly just didn't seem worth it, you know?

*

41. Which sounds more attractive to you, brown eyes or green eyes?
I tend to like the dark ones better.

42. Have you ever dated anyone with green eyes?
Am, currently. Kind of.

43. What's the best thing about being in high school, in your opinion?
Well, I hated high school, but looking back, I guess I didn't realize how nice it was to have so little responsibility, compared to what I would assume later. Also, the schoolwork was do-it-with-your-eyes-closed easy.

44. Do you like snow, or is it just a hassle to you?
I love snow.

45. Have you ever had pizza with pineapples on it? How was it?
Yes, actually, a little under ten hours ago. Justin was helping me build furniture for the apartment, so as a thank-you, I let him pick the pizza toppings. Hawaiian.

*

My phone died on the way home. Between my resultant loneliness, the cloying familiarity of the landmarks and the growing sick feeling in my stomach, it felt like the longest drive ever.

When I got home and plugged the phone in, there were six increasingly frantic texts from Marcus, wanting me to call when I'd made it back safely. Let's not forget, this is the same person who (1) used to let me walk unaccompanied through the West End of Atlanta, inluding down streets full of prostitutes and crackheads, if he didn't feel like meeting me halfway or was trying to passively dissuade me from coming over; and (2) takes personal offense anytime anyone sends more than one text message in a row.

*

46. Would you ever get an abortion?
Not for reasons of convenience. I think I could maybe count it as an option if the kid had zero chance of eventual viability and I was just going to have to bury it anyway.

47. If your parents got divorced, remarried other people, and started new families, would you be jealous?
No. I would be happy for either of them. I would love to have stepsiblings.

48. When you got your ears pierced for the first time, where did you go to get them done?
The pediatrician's office. I was little, and my mom was paranoid.

49. Have you ever believed that the moon was made out of cheese?
No.

50. Do you own a disco ball?
Does anyone? Should anyone?

*

We made moderately firm plans to hang out again Thursday, one last quick thing before time for me to leave for California. I think Marcus is really bored and/or lonely during the weekdays, because it was his idea and he pushed it really hard, bringing it up a total of about ten times over the course of the night.

Yesterday was Thursday. I ended up with a million pre-move errands and two unforeseen emergencies to take care of, plus Justin and I spent a total of about seven hours assembling the desk, dresser, nighstand. By the time I could or would have called Marcus, it was after three-thirty in the morning and I was just dropping Justin off on campus, twenty minutes from where Marcus is staying. Marcus starts work at nine in the morning. I said, to myself, fuck it, came home and went to bed.

*

51. What's your favorite flavor of Swedish fish?
I like that traditional red kind.

52. Do you remember the song "Around the World (Lalalala)" by ATC?
I didn't know that's who made it, but yes.

53. Have you ever played Neopets? If so, what's your account name?
No, but Tina and I laughed at an article about a grown mother of two who couldn't keep her Neopets alive for a day.

54. When it's big garbage in your town, do you go through other people's stuff?
I assume "big garbage" is some quaint British ritual involving everyone putting their trash out on the streets for other people to browse. Which is gross.

55. Isn't it annoying when a minor character from a show gets their own show?
I've never seen that formula work out succesfully, except, briefly, with Daria. Mostly what's annoying about spin-offs is the conspicuous absence of the main character from the first show, which is always really obvious because I'm used to the spin-off character existing only in orbit of the main guy.

*

So does that make me as bad as he is? As bad as he was? I probably spent, no exaggeration, two hundred miserable nights obsessing over whether and why he was breaking plans again, trying to force his hand, texting him for updates that were invariably vague and inaccurate. He tried to convince me we just spoke different languages, that terms like "I'll call you later" and "I'll see you tonight" were flexible, that without exact time specificity, they were subject to amendment or cancellation. He also didn't believe in courtesies like calling or texting to officially cancel plans. He believed my noticing his absence would get the job done.

Yesterday, though, I saw how incredibly easy it is to get caught up in the day-to-day, especially when there's something else you're more focused on (like furniture assembly or Justin or that new girl who makes you want to be a better man). I also felt that feeling of picking up my phone fully intending to make a phone call, seeing the time, instantly talking myself out of it. Remorselessly. He was always exhausted in college. I was beyond exhausted at four o'clock this morning. If that's how he felt at the end of his days, just totally spent and irritable, I can only imagine how he felt when he got one of my texts--"So are we still on for tonight? I'm getting in the shower unless you say no"--with that obvious subtext of I don't want you to flake on me for the tenth time in a row.

*

56. Did you ever have one of those bike license plates that said your name on it?
Probably. I have a lot of shit that says Shannon.

57. What do you think about the decor of your boyfriend's room?
Interpreting that term loosely, I think it's pretty legit, for a guy's room. It always smells good, and it's usually tidier than mine. On the other hand, he and I agree he could have done better with the wall hangings.

58. Do you think Simple Plan and Blink 182 sound similar?
Not so much. Blink is better.

59. What's your favorite song by the Spice Girls?
"Say You'll Be There" and "Too Much," both because of their corresponding scenes in Spice World.

60. Do you miss the nineties?
Only the really, really early ones.

*

So, you know, I don't know. That whole thing is to say exactly nothing.

Except that maybe I wish I'd seen all those things more clearly before Tuesday.