work in progress

Restricting

It all started very simply with the decision that I was going to sort out my life. Everything was a mess and I needed to get back on track. Step one was obviously a need to lose some weight. A diet of pizza, cheese, alcohol, and crisps while delicious, is not good for the figure and I had put it on all around my tummy like a great big band of baby. It wobbled back and front. When I went to get out tof the bath or to stand up, I felt this tummy swing loose. It had to go.

While I was very well aware that the best thing to do would be to eat a balanced diet, I felt that a more satisfying thing to do would be to lose weight quickly. The main thing obviously was to eat as little as would keep me alive.

No breakfast. A yoghurt (diet) at break, a matchbox-sized piece of cheese, a tomato and two slices of ryvita for lunch. For dinner, vegtable soup or vegtable stew. I was also allowed an orange and an apple during the day. As much tea or coffee as I liked of course. No more chocolate, sweets, biscuits or icecream ever.

For a few weeks, it was a bit tough, I did sometimes feel terribly hungry and once had a salad sandwich from the canteen: white bread and mayo!!! Once I did that I knew I had to do something to purge those calories and hit on the idea of walking the two miles to work to make up for it. That worked perfectly: I felt tired but oh so virtuous. After that I decided that walking all the time would add to the weight loss most satisfactorily.

The weight stuttered for two weeks, slowly shifted for about a month, and then one day I woke up and realised that I was thin!! Not just a bit thin but nice, slim, skinny jeans-fitting thin.

I did know I had got there and now I should stop but it wasn't the right thing to do. Not right now. I felt slim and smug and proud of myself. It had all been so easy. All those fat girls were so pathetic. I was never going to let that happen to me again. Oh no. This diet suited me fine, I was never going to stop. Being slim was satisfying but having my secret was intoxicating.

Mostly I just stuck to that diet but sometimes I went out and ate with workmates or friends. That used to make me laugh. I would order anything I felt like, and eat it too. Not all of course, but enough. Girls would say to me "I don't know how you are so slim, you eat pizza and everything" and I would smile and say "I don't put on much weight, I am just lucky, I guess." I never told anyone I had dieted. That would seem like weakness. It was my secret. I felt cool, clever and powerful.

Of course I did not eat out too often. The next day I would sort it out. An all day fast maybe, or no cheese for a few days with extra walking. I had it all totally sussed. I also decided to give up the yoghurt after a few months. After a day or two of not eating yoghurt, the milkiness of it just seemed a bit too thick and cloying. It worried me.

People were suspicious, naturally. They would ask me what I ate or when I ate. Mean girls would point out that I never ate anything much at work. I would laugh and say I had a huge breakfast and dinner so I was never very hungry at work. The great thing was, It was true! I hardly ever felt hungry.

There are downsides to anorexia, though. For me the first problem was all the dizziness. I could not run for a bus or carry anything heavy without getting dizzy. It was a nuisance because I could walk miles but not if I had to carry anything. That involved careful planning. After about two years the dizziness started intruding on my life more often. I would get suddently, unexpectedly dizzy while climbing stairs or walking up the hill to work.

The dizziness was not at all welcome, and I knew that it was caused by the fact that I was not eating enough. People think anorexics are all deluded and don't realise that they are harming themselves, but that is just silly. I took supplements to compensate for the lack of nutrition, a whole cocktail of them, calcium, iron, b vitamins, you name it. I lied to evryone about my diet. You think I did not know what I was doing? Of course I did. the thing is though, it was worth it. Until the dizziness.

Luckily I self-diagnosed, decided dizziness was caused by low blood pressure which would be solved by eating a banana and decided that I could be allowed a small banana in these situations. I did feel a small amount of guilt at eating a whole banana outside of my eating plan, but after all it was better than actually fainiting. While fainting sounds sweet and feminine, the reality, I learned involves a really horrible feeling of nausea. An even worse fainting related problem was sudden sweats shortly before you fainted which even the best deodrants could not control and left me smelling rank.I always carried a banana from then on (so does Doctor Who) and that was one problem gone for good

People say anorexics have a terrible body image and hate the way they looked. Well, I am a diagnosed anorexic and I can safely say I never hated it. I was so proud the first time I realised I could wear a top sold for a ten year old. I wore it all the time and told people it was meant to be a child's top.I loved my tiny self. I thought I was cute.