IT TAKES ONE A LONG TIME TO BECOME YOUNG

Thinking about my sister

Just thinking about my sister (see entry #1). I have really not thought about her all year. Somehow I could not grieve, it seemed I needed to make peace within myself regarding my resentments toward her all these years. The family avoided her as much as possible. My older sister and I raised Carole's (my deceased sister) two babies (9 months apart, both in diapers). Their Dad was in prison, their Mom was a junkie. I rescued the older baby and would take him up the hill to where me and my oldest sister lived...later my Mom moved in there, and the brother-in-law lived there. It's a BIG house. Carole never leagally gave us custody, but used the kids as "bait" in order to get money....i.e...."Give me $50.00 or you'll never see the kids again..." Pathetic con artist bullshit. So my oldest sister would fork out the money. Many other events occurred involving illegal credit card use, washing checks, check fraud..etc........the FBI even got involved. I wasn't privy to all these details - but, suffice to say, seeing my Mom so very hurt (and not speaking to Carole for three years), and my other sister so stressed by fear (wondering what was going to happen next), I carried resentment for a long time. It was a love/hate bond........she looked after me, but then would turn like a snake and batter me with rudeness, screaming, etc.
I finally got her into a recovery home up north (kicking & bitching the whole way). Had to have her medically cleared first, and she had abscesses all over her legs. I told the doctor, 'I don't care what you write down, the goal is to get her into recovery, but right now she has to have these wounds healed...knock her ass OUT and throw her in a bed." The doctor nodded her head, and knew exactly what I was saying. Sometimes you just have to lie and doctors have to lie, in order to save a person's life.

Anyway, she loved the recovery house and was entering school......and then..BOOM....discovered she had liver cancer. (no cure for that). How ironic.....you finally give up your bad habits and then life knocks you with a BIG BANG. hat began a constant visit down to USC Cancer center for months and months.....hoping for a liver transplant........but, the doctors finally said it had spread. So, she went back to her apartment and led her normal life.....until...suddenly she had to go back into the hospital for something. I always assume the best outcome, and assumed she'd return home - until I was told that she went into Hospice. Hospice is for folks who have barely two months to live. Carole was in shock, I was in shock, her kids were in shock.......

But, this Hospice (located in Santa Barbara) has to be the finest care home I've ever seen or heard about. The folks there saved the entire family and eased us into the final journey my sister was taking. And we had parties up there, and celebrations, and someone was always there. I had a chance to talk with Carole about the old days, when I was in college and she was running rampant......we giggled alot and I thanked her for directing me to the field of Social Work. She told me THAT was my destiny - helping others. If she hadn't written me in Junior College with that advice, I would have floundered for years deciding on a path in life. i knew her from years earlier...and she was able to remember those times, and all the trouble she got into, and it was a bond for us to have time to look back on those wild days.

Her kids were distraught after her passing, losing their Mom when they were barely 25 yars old. But the counselors helped them find acceptance and some peace. Meanwhile, while she was still pretty lively, I mentioned that maybe she'd better go back to Mass and go to confession. I told her...'any insurance you can get with the BIG GUY up in Heaven is not going to hurt you..." I planned on a priest, a rabbi, and anybody else who had any pull with the Lord to swing on by and do their thing. The priest came a few times, and finally my sister said "I want to get right with God".................so he heard her confession. After that, it seemed all the weight and burden left her, and she was at peace.

Why I'm even writing this, I have no clue. See entry #1 for the final days.

But, back to the grieving issue.............I just did not cry, even during the Memorial Service, the burial, etc. Somehow Carole would have cracked jokes through the whole thing, and we all knew that...so we cracked jokes too. Her sarcasm and brutal wit regarding anything serious was her legacy. She made fun of everybody and everything...and had no qualms about letting you know....and most folks roared with laughter, and you couldn't hate her, because she'd start making you laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
Typical Saggitarius.

Anyway, I recently wrote some poems about her, i never did when she was alive (which bothered her), but I had nothing to write, it would have been a falsehood. But now, I've suddenly had pieces pouring out of me, and I guess that's a good thing.....maybe the grief has begun, and the writing is my road through this reality. Who knows............

Life is brief, family is everything, possessions mean nothing, your heart is eiher on the right side of life, or your heart is on the wrong side. Eventually you have to jump off that fence and make a choice - do right, be right, think in rightness, humanity, and justice...; or choose the path where you lose your heart, your values, your conscience, your empathy.............Life is brief.