work in progress

Back to the Future

Cait had thought that part of her life was gone forever. She had not really minded as long as she had her past in her head. It was like a glorious golden dream. Her thrilling past. People were always fascinated if slightly disbelieving when she told them her old anecdotes.

Then the day came when she had been sitting at the computer late at night. She should go to bed, she knew that. After all Liam would wake her at the crack of dawn the next day with his million questions and schemes. Eimear would want to play and Donal would want her to listen to his latest music downloads. Nonetheless, instead of going to bed she had pottered around the internet googling random words. Eventually she had looked for old school friends. To her surprise she had found Maeve. Maeve -the last person she would ever have expected to have posted herself on an old school website.

Maeve had been her life's absolute centre. The focus of all her thoughts and dreams. All, absolutely all her plans, had involved her and Maeve, and some vague male figures of course. Good looking guys, obviously, maybe in a band or something..Maeve whom she had walked out on in London. Run away from, actually.

It had taken her three days to decide to contact Maeve. Was it shame, or anger with her?Would Maeve even want to talk to her? The absolute last thing she had expected was to get an email back asking her for a phone number. Almost as soon as she had sent that number, the phone had rung.

Trembling, Cait picked up the phone. "Maeve?"
A long pause.
"This is Kim Reardon. Do you remember me Cait?"
Kim?! Kim the only one of the old gang she had never, ever wanted to meet again. One of the main reasons she had left Ireland in the first place. She would never forget Shem looking at her with that foolish smile, "It's just that there is someone else, Cait." she had known before she even asked. Bloody Kim with her long golden hair and her perfect nails and her supercilious attitude.
"Hi Kim. Of course I do. How did you get my number?"
"Don't be silly Cait." Kim was brisk."You just emailed it to me."
"To you? I thought it was Maeve I was emailing."
"You know nothing about what's going on, do you? I assumed that if you had bothered to make contact after all this time you must have heard from someone."
Bothered? this was Kim all over. God why was she so annoying?
"What do you mean, Kim?"
"We will have to meet." there were a thousand reasons for saying no but in truth curiousity overcame them all. Bitterly resenting how Kim was making her jump through hoops, Cait agreed to her terms.

At 4pm, unusually punctually, Cait walked into the Do Drop Inn. It wasn't an inn but a particularly twee cafe. Kim was already there. (Of course). She looked hard, old, but elegant. Her clothes were expensive and smart. Suitable for her mother, Cait thought, but sooo expensive. She felt fourteen again, and scruffy.
"Hi Kim."
"Oh, there you are, god you haven't changed, Cait, still the hippy chick, hmm?" Kim sounded disapproving. Nice, Cait thought. Now my old school mate looks like my headmistress and talks to me like I'm a bold child. Once, Cait had been able to laugh at Kim. Safe in her convinction that her lifestyle was cool and interesting and that Kim was staid and boring. But then Cait was seventeen. Now she was forty, and she hadn't changed.
"Where's Maeve?, how is she?"
"I'm fine, thanks. Nice of you to ask," Kim said drily." Do you have a job, nowadays?"
Do you have a job? Oh the the cow!
"Yes, I teach English in North Bay Comprehensive."
"You?" Kim frowned. "God. I actually teach too, well not so much nowadays, I'm moving into management.". It was hard to tell who was more annoyed at that coincidence.
"You teach English?"
Kim nodded. Her nod somehow manangd to suggest that she did it properly, not like some people. "In St Bride's."
"Different sort of place," Cait offered.She was too flabbergasted to think of anything more.
Kim didn't smile. "We are very progressive actually." , as if Cait had been criticising.
"Look Kim, I don't mean to be rude, but I really would like to know how Maeve is, you're being a bit mysterious about it". (and enjoying the power you bitch she thought.)
"I was trying to protect you". Kim said. "You see, your ex pal is very ill. I'm sorry to say this, but she is not going to get better."
So shocked that she decided to ignore the ex pal gibe, Cait asked "what is it?"
"Well, Cait you do understand that Maeve's mental health has never been all that good?"
Cait swallowed this too. "What's wrong Kim? Please tell me, and when can I see her?"

Cait spent that evening on pro ana websites, just there to offer support and solidarity to those who were trying to starve themselves to death. How weird and not even illegaI. She had never considered either that anybody over 25 would be anorexic. Now it wasn't just people but her own friend. Cait read the post for 'Ramona' again and again :
"I've come up with a way to keep your mind off food completely, I haven't eaten in 4 days I'm doing this green tea fast.. its working really well so far my upper arms are down to 8 inches, my forearms look like nothing. Some advice: to keep your mind from thinking about food make plans, I've done mine on sheets of A4 and then a big schedule on A3 that's stuck on my wall. The A4 sheets are done diary style too, the bottom half I leave room for a food diary, what I've eaten that day and how much water liquids etc I've consumed. It really works for me..I just drink lots of hot drinks. Good luck girls and sorry for going on but some of you look like you need a hand :) xx"
The really bad thing was that all the other posters were just kids, 15 or 16 and posting about how their Mom was really bugging them to eat. There did not seem to be any other adult anorexics.

Why? What had happened to her Ramona? She googled anorexia. No surprises there:
It was like a description of the teenage Maeve. Moodiness, fainting, baggy clothes, isolation, loss of friends, always feeling cold...how had she not known way back then, twenty years ago? Instead of thinking there was a problem she had admired Maeve's slimness, her determination and courage, her ability to control her urges. Maybe a certain degree of anorexia was fairly normal among teenage girls? If Cait were honest she had known but had thought it cool, edgy, another reason why Maeve was so incredibly fabulous. Besides, 19 year old girls don't expect to die, they expect that they will grow up in a few years and that all their problems will be over. Sadly as Cait now knew, you could be forty one day and still be waiting to feel grown up. Unlike Kim who had always been grown up.

Now her friend was dying and Cait had to plead with Kim, Kim! for permission to see her. Kim felt it might not be good for her. To see Maeve Cait would have to see her in the company of Kim, when Kim decided it would be okay. But first, Cait had to help Kim.