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how i behave around different people

When my younger brother and I go to a restaurant together, he never speaks directly to the server. "Shannon, what do you see on this menu that I might like?" I'm the Lucy to his Linus.

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I can't stand to be around my dad in situations involving food. The way he smacks and shovels it in, when he's already overweight, makes me want to scream and throw things.

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When I'm alone, I never laugh out loud, because, what's the point? Even if I'm really, really amused, I make a mental note but don't produce any sound. The laughter seems like a social thing to me.

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I'm always, always sugary sweet and polite to my coworkers, even the ones I hate. The way I see it, if you work with other humans, part of what you're being paid for is getting along with said other humans. But I understand that others are more principled than I.

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There's a Pokemon called Ditto whose defining characteristic is his ability to take on the attributes of any other Pokemon. When I'm around my friend Meg, I adopt her mannerisms, the patterns and rhythms of her speech, et cetera. It's a very powerful thing: Meg makes a Ditto out of me.

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I curse freely around anyone who isn't an authority figure, but I only blaspheme if I've heard someone else do it first.

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When I like a guy, I find any excuse to show him my belly button ring. Any excuse at all.

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I lie to teachers a LOT. I almost have to keep a log, to keep track of my lies, so I don't reuse them. This semester, I've had two fake doctors' appointments per class, written down the wrong page assignment on purpose once per class and registered convincing shock when all four of my teachers didn't receive an email I never sent in the first place.

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Whenever I learn that someone is gay, I always touch and smile at them a lot more than I do the average person. I think it's my under-evolved way of demonstrating that I'm not homophobic.

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Tina is the only person who knows the extent of my devotion to the celebrity gossip world.

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I always speak as articulately as I possibly can around white people. I never use slang, even jokingly. I'm afraid that everything I do, or say, will contribute to whatever prejudgments they've already made based on my skin color.

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My voice gets higher around adults.

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No one in my family has ever read anything I've written that wasn't for a class.