middleblog-a suburban babble brook book

An Aside: Social Etiquette

I had a disturbing public experience yesterday, one of those minor aggravations that most people dismiss, but that can trigger dark tempers in me.  At a major hospital in Boston (a city, which immediately puts me at a disadvantage because in the suburbs we don't avert our eyes from strangers as much) I stood in front a deli counter for 10 minutes, regarding the fresh coldcuts, lettuce, onions and other salad accoutrements with a speculative eye.  The counter attendant resurfaced, making up a mess of sandwiches, and after a minute or so of this prep work, he looked up, said 'I'll be with you in a minute.', and resumed his work.  'That's fine!' I chirped in my best Out in Public Dealing with Strangers Nicely voice.  On we went, he with his sandwich prep, I with my speculative eye.  Minutes passed, my eye got bored and wandered, my Out in Public I'm a Pleasant Young Woman half-smile beginning to twitch, and slip.  He finished his sandwiches finally, looks up and says 'What can I get you?'  My exact reply 'Hi, I was wondering if it would be possible to get a chef's salad?'

Our friendly counterman looked at me as though I had proposed he grill up his firstborn and serve it with a side of Santy Claus. "I don't do that.' he replies, in a tone that insinuated heavily that any dimwitted dipshit should have gathered that, from the cold meats, vegetables, and clear plastic containers scattered about.

Unfortunately, at this point I let my ire get the best of me.  'OK, that's fine, thanks so much, and you have a GOOD DAY!'  I said.  While my words were quite appropriate to the situation, the rising tone they were delivered in was not.  In fact, I believe I earned the crazy crown from he and other city-hardened witnesses. "I'm sorry, ma'am, I just don't do that.  They can do that on the third floor.' 'That's fine, thank you.' I said more placidly as I rooted around in the soda cooler that contained one lone, meat free salad and some sandwiches. 

Skulking off, I munched my fare and contemplated the whole scene surlily.

Again, a minor drama that most would shrug off and dismiss.  But it highlights again for me a condition that social etiquette has been suffering from for no short while.  I have worked with the public extensively, and I learned quickly and well that one greets customers with a cheerful 'Hi, how are you today?', and should someone ask if you serve firstborn, you reply 'I'm sorry, we don't carry that. Could I get you something else?'.  The customer is always right, even if they're behaving...well, like this counterman.  (I'd hate to see how he reacts to honest mistakes, or a restaurant being out of something.) You smile, you nod, you bow out and throw a fit out of their sight and hearing if you have a problem.

Granted, the concerns I worked for were usually family-run.  If you walk into a family run restaurant, chances are high they'll make you a custom dish if they have the ingredients on hand. If you become a regular, they'll cater to your peculiar demands.  If they don't, you can hear the echo of the death knell that's sure to sound soon in that establishment.  The savvy businessman is flexible enough to seize any opportunity to make an honest dollar.

Corporations, however, get bogged down with beauracratic minutiae.  Our counterman couldn't accede to my request because it just wasn't done.  Had it been his own business, I think he would have been less of a Salad Nazi.

But the real point of irritation for me wasn't his inability to accede to a simple request (which wasn't a request, it was a query as to whether the request was possible...but we'll ignore that nicety), it was his piss poor public persona.  The customer in front of the counter should be taken care of before the sidework, not made to wait for ten minutes and then not even offered the token apology.  It was his lack of manners that aggravated me no end, just as I get annoyed when not receiving a smile or thanks for holding a door, or acknowledgement for any of the basic social behaviours that I believe in.  Our public is becoming a cold, oxymoronically isolating entity.  If I catch a stranger's eye in the mall or store, it is my instinct to smile warmly, but too often I've gotten a look of almost horror...and I wasn't wearing my Hallowe'en mask.  Older people who remember the heyday of common courtesy will tender a pleasantly surprised look and warm thanks, but many folks my age seem to react as though they expect you to start selling something...because nothing is free anymore, and time is the most precious commodity of all.  The concept of giving a stranger a few seconds of your time is becoming alien to us.

My own reaction disappoints me, too.  By reacting poorly, I allowed myself to be brought down to his level, as my grandmother used to say.  Two people behaving reprehensibly is doubly wrong; receiving a slight does not confer upon me the right to deliver another.

Just an aside.