Despertar

offertoire

Friday afternoon, Hugh and I drove back from North Carolina. I met my dad in Chinatown, fought with him briefly over something ridiculous, hopped on an Apex bus to New York and spent the night with Tina, in her East Village apartment.

I guess it's nice to be able to do this, things like this. Nice not to have to answer to anyone about changes in plan or plans that really don't make sense or whatever. I guess I would feel stifled if I had to "check in" with Justin, make sure he was okay with my spring break plans and stuff. I wouldn't have the luxury of hitting bar after bar on Friday and Saturday nights, crashing on the floor whenever I got tired, eating falafels from street vendors, drinking champagne and Midori melon and flaming Dr. Peppers to the point of almost-wasted, letting the buzz taper off and bringing it back later with too-strong SOBs.

If we were really together, I would have felt bad about sort of harmlessly flirting with Hugh in the car, letting him rest his head on my arm and talking about things that only two people totally secure in their platonic relationship can talk about. I would have felt bad about the casual drink exchanges that took place at the bars, about turning and delivering huge, exaggerated winks to the street guys who openly admired my ass all week. About developing a fairly serious crush on one of the other Habitat guys, and, simultaneously, on our twenty-four-year-old foreman, who looked all delicious and brown climbing around on the roof in his brown overalls.

Speaking of the roof, I guess I might have felt bad, were I Justin's girlfriend, to put Justin at risk of losing a girlfriend by breaking my neck falling two stories from the roof--climbing around up there was the scariest thing I've ever done, probably, but at least I'm not seriously committed to anybody; I can fall off a roof and die if I want to, and not feel badly about it. I would feel bad that I didn't find any cutesy crap trinkets to bring back for him from Chapel Hill or Siler City or Pittsboro.

See, there are a lot of reasons why it's absolutely great that I'm not committed to Justin.

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Hugh said one of the most beautiful moments of his life was of making love to his now-ex for the first time on a beach in California after spending a whole day together. He also said that living with her, last year, was as perfect as his life has ever been, and that nothing he has experienced since or can foresee experiencing in the future comes close to that perfect feeling.

I get a little fluttery feeling every time I think that someone could have been that happy at any point ever. I smiled and was quiet while he was telling that story, I kept my eyes trained on the road and turned down the music when he got to the climax, but I think I might have been, and I hate to admit this, so instead of confronting it honestly I've been giggling about it all weekend instead, but I think I might be a little jealous that things like that can happen, but don't, to me, because I keep falling in love with Marcus.

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I did wikipedia "Offertoire," so I know this wasn't relevant, but eh, it's my spring break. For thirteen more hours.