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thursday

Um...Thursday rhymes with survey.

So.

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1. What is a difference between the last two people you kissed?
One of them I know very well; the other, not really at all.

2. Do you believe that there is always room in your heart for your first loves?
I have no idea, but I hope not. I hate that I already feel poisoned by his continued presence in my thoughts. I'd like to think I'll eventually have a clean slate.

3. Where is the next place you will travel to?
Chapel Hill, North Carolina, for Habitat for Humanity. After that, New York, to drink and eat Japanese and sleep on Tina's floor.

4. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
Because he had my face in his hands and he wanted to.

5. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's underwear?
Except for one time, only to sleep in.

6. Have you cried today at all?
For about ten minutes, two hours ago.

7. What were you doing at eight o'clock this morning?
My phone rang around eight; I woke up and checked my messages and spent the next ten minutes, as I dozed off again, trying to decide whether I was going to review before Property or not.

8. When was the last time you cried?
Two hours ago. I'm really frustrated by this Justin thing, and I want some sort of definitive answer, a yes or a no that I can use to make a real decision. I know, I know, I pretty much have the no I'm looking for, but he insists that I shouldn't divest because of it, and I want to, I want him to say the magic words so that my guilt can come full circle, and I want not to have so much work to do, so much packing and reviewing and appellate-brief-revising to do before I go home and get my car to take back to Chapel Hill. Anyway, I guess I'm turning into a crybaby, as my mom says, but I think that's silly. Everyone gets upset Some people cry, some don't.

9. Do you say "sexy" a lot?
No.

10. When was the last time you had a sleepover?
Double standard: I hate having people share my bed, but I like sharing other people's. I slept in Justin's room last Thursday night.

11. Do you have any gay friends?
Maybe. I had one close one, but we had a pretty significant falling-out a couple months ago.

12. What is something you currently want?
What I really want, more than I want Justin, is to find the homeostasis not to want Justin, or a Justin. I want to know what it is that other people know, that I don't, that enables them to be happy, to make themselves happy, without the approval or devotion of their desired one. I want to know what it feels like not just to have attainable goals, but to really care whether I attain them or not. But also, I want Justin.

13. When did you last throw up?
Last Thursday night.

14. Do you want to get married and have children one day?
Definitely. Definitely.

15. Do you still think about your exes?
Constantly, but I don't pine anymore. That's what matters.

16. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
I'm still not telling, because I was way too old.

17. Missing question.

18. Ever made out in a pool?
I don't frequent pools because of my hair.

19. What is your current profile song?
Don't have one, don't even know to which interface that question refers.

20. Have you ever gambled in a casino?
That's one of the things I said I would do when I turned twenty-one, but I was too busy being unhappy and contemplating the third biggest mistake of my life. I'll maybe try to get to one for twenty-five.

21. Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
The short cut was actually not so bad, all things considered. It's this now, this in-between phase, that sucks, because I look like a girl with short hair, who wishes it were longer, which is, indeed, what I am. I'll be happy when it's long enough for a high ponytail. I'll be happier when it's long enough to make me pretty again.

22. What is your favorite place you have traveled?
I liked San Francisco.

23. Do you like ice cream?
Since I discovered Edy's Caramel Delite, I understand how the hating life/spending hours in front of the TV murdering a carton of ice cream cycle comes to pass. I did it one time, and I vowed never to buy a carton of ice cream ever again. It was terrifying.

24. What is your favorite color?
I don't feel drawn to any of them anymore.

25. What was the last thing you bought?
Vaseline, cold medicine, Airborne and gum, on that cursed CVS trip.

26. Where do you keep your money?
Randomly strewn across the floor and in various pants pockets. I am better off when I do not have cash at my disposal.

27. What was the weather like today?
Cold and windy.

28. Where are your parents?
Silver Spring and Baltimore. My mom's teaching her business class tonight.

29. What do you want for Christmas?
Argh. I don't want anything.

30. Last vacation destination you went to?
I haven't been anyplace on vacation in a long time. The last place was probably Martha's Vineyard, which felt decidedly unvacationy, as my parents are blessed with the ability to make everything feel like a chore and a matter of great scrutiny.

31. Do you want to cut your hair?
I probably won't get another haircut till my mid-thirties, when it's time to pick something short and professional.

32. Do you like to eat ice?
Yeah, but my teeth are fucked enough already.

33. What is your favorite place to shop?
I almost can't walk into an Express store without wanting to buy three of everything, the Stellas and the Basic Tanks and those Pencil Skirts that always look better on the mannequins than on real humans.

34. When do you go to sleep?
When I can't take it anymore.

35. Who was the last person of the opposite sex that you talked to?
Various male classmates throughout the day. If you mean, like, really talked to, then, Justin.

36. Would you ever consider moving to another state to be with the one you love?
Fortunately, or unfortunately, the one I urgh right now lives in the same state I do, and probably will through at least the next three to five years. If he didn't, though, and if it made any sense at all to make any more sacrifices to nurture our non-relationship, I'd probably still move to be near him, if he put forth any sort of suggestion that I should.

37. Do you like sushi?
I like Philadelphia rolls, spicy tuna rolls, California rolls, crispy shrimp rollls, and that's about it. I don't like the ones that are dipped in masago.

38. Do you lie?
Why does anyone ever ask that question?

39. Do you have empty bottles of alcohol hidden somewhere?
No, but I've got open bottles of Peachtree schnapps and Smirnoff Vanilla on my bookshelf, both topped off.

40. Are you over the age of twenty-five?
No, thank God.

41. Are you typically a jealous person?
I guess probably you'd say I am.

42. Own bright colored underwear?
Some. I tend to stick to Vicky's more neutral schemes and prints.

43. Who is the last person to text you?
You mean that in past tense? Five minutes ago I got an admit-one free pass to a club in Northeast because I was stupid enough to sign up for a mailing list the last time I went out.

44. What was the best movie you have seen in the past two weeks?
La Vie en Rose, easily. Jumper, meanwhile, is probably the worst movie I've seen, ever. Samuel L. Jackson was channeling Mace Windu and Mr. Glass, inventing fake-ass lightsabers and just generally making an ass of himself, again.

45. Are you going to have a good night?
I'm going to take some cold medicine, eat some reheated fried rice and pack for North Carolina. I'll call that neutral.

46. Do you have strange dreams?
Probably no stranger than anyone's.

47. When was the last time you did the dishes?
Today. This month is my month, as we arbitrarily decided at the beginning of it. As such, I strongly encourage the use of paper plates and flatware if you're planning on eating in my apartment.

48. Do you trust all of your friends?
No, but I trust a few of them.

49. What are you listening to?
TV is on. Raymond is scared to sleep alone while Debra's away, slash, concealing Patricia Heaton's various obvious third-trimester pregnancy.

50. Have you ever had your heart broken?
But of course.

*

If I had a twin sister, chances are she'd be besting me in every way, right now. I'm glad I don't.