The Real and Ideal

A realization

I am a hypocrite.

And I am a hypocrite for saying that I hate hypocrites, even though I am one. That may sound a little confusing, but trust me. I thought it out, and it's true.

(I'm pretty sure if I start going now, I will be up half the night. But...I can't resist. Moving on.)

It's just... I get so frustrated when people say mean stuff, but I still say mean stuff. And I might talk bad about someone, and then get upset when someone else talks about the same person. It's like, thats MY person to badmouth. Geez. 8>)

But seriously. It's so hard not to talk about people sometimes, especially when they... disagree with you on certain things. So everyone, if I talk bad about you, I'm really sorry. It's all spare frustration coming out against ya. It's like a quote my math teacher told us the other day, that he learned from his math teacher forever ago or something. "Strong minds talk about ideas. Average minds talk about events. Weak minds talk about people." Or something like that. I'm going off the top of my head, so you'll have to bear with me.

But it just hit me so... it's a pretty good description. Obviously, sometimes our minds are weak. Hopefully they are strong more often. Inevitable? I dunno.

Someday (hopefully sooner, before I can no longer) I will make a whole blog entry about my favorite quotes and why I like them. Heh, that sounds like some sort of English project or something. Awh crap, speaking of, there is one that I have to do. Hmm. Anyway.

One quote that really pops into my head is one that I have hanging from my dresser mirror (wierd...? maybe). It's from a Jars of Clay song. "We are pawns of all the things we love." And I mean, in songs, quotes sound good just because of the emotion in the voice and the build up of the instumentals, etc. But after liking it for the sound it made, I liked it for the meaning.

Pawns are in chess. Something to be moved, controlled...

We are controlled by all the things we love.

Yes, that is very true. Hint hint. If people weren't controlled by things they loved, where would they end up going? Striving for something that doesn't matter, or what? I mean, some things we love are more important than others....right?

My entire schedule, for the most part, is worked around hockey. If there is something I even consider wanting to do, and it interferes with my skating, it's an automatic no. It sounds a lot worse than it actually is (I think?) but I don't really notice, because I love hockey, after all.

I will do things for my friends for absolutely no reason at all. Besides the fact that they are my friends. Enough said.

I like to make my parents happy.

You get the idea, I'm sure. But when I heard this quote, it didn't make it sound like a good thing. The way it was said...I dunno, maybe I misinterpreted it. Our lives are run by the things we love? Whats so bad about that? Love is good. Love is patient, love is kind.

I don't know why I'm trying to preach on this quote, because when you are trying to tell a lesson you should usually have....a lesson, you know? I can do all this explaining on my thoughts about the quote, but I don't have a conclusion or anything. One that says, go do this. I mean, I could try but who knows if I'm even close to right? What am I gonna do, e-mail the band? I think not.

Maybe it's like, be careful what you choose to love. Because you don't want to be controlled by something that's gonna mess you up and lead you the wrong way. Immediatly I'm thinking about a book I read (gosh wow) where the girl character falls in love with the guy character, and everything is just peachy until he starts beating her and telling her to keep her mouth shut. Guess who she loves? Guess who's controlling her?

Then there is the whole self-love issue. That leads down some pretty bad trails as well. Like, arrogance and everyone hating you. Woo hoo.

I like to think that my priorities are pretty straight, and I'm not crazy about something that's gonna get me into trouble... but what about all those Sunday morning games, eh? Or the gossiping? Or who knows what else?

I was thinking awhile ago that I am very vulnerable. Don't ask me why; I couldn't tell you. And maybe that's why I like this quote, and I taped it to my mirror. Because I'm vulnerable, not because I dunno why. 8>)

Today I was thinking about (how excited I am to be skating again) sitting out, and watching my team play without me. Some people might think, oh, it's boring to be watching. You signed up to play, not to watch.

Then I remembered watching them cheer around the net without me, skate warm-ups or whatever, listen to the coach talk....and it wasn't boredom I felt. I was detatched. It was like I was watching some other team, and not my own. And I thought, that's why I don't like sitting out. Because when a team is together, whether or not they are best friends, or even like eachother (though that helps) it's a powerful thing. It almost sends off a vibe. And seeing my teammates in my school colors doing a cheer without me? It was a very wierd feeling.

It's like when you're trying something new, and no one knows you and you don't know them. You look around and wonder what you are even doing there. You wonder if it's a scene out of your new library book or if it's actually your life. It's joining a conversation half way through and wondering what they're talking about. Left out. Separated. Watching from outside the TV screen.

I always loved being at the hockey rink because no matter how many times I felt like that throughout the day, at school, playing the violin, talking to the girly girls, whatever, I NEVER felt like that at the rink. Until recently, anyway.

But it's done now 8>) I'm playing tomorrow! *jumps up and down, maybe dances a little*

I dunno what the word is...not sympathy, empathy maybe, that describes knowing what someone is going through. If it's the word I'm thinking, empathy is better than sympathy because you can relate to the person and they actually feel better.
--I'm feeling selfish lately, so I'm the last one to talk about this. But... being a hypocrite that hates hypocrites...--
Whatever you do, don't say that what you went through was worse. When someone is trying to explain why they are feeling like crap, don't say something like "I feel like that all the time" because then I might feel guilty for complaining about it... Even though what I just said might have contradicted my whole empathy spiel. If only I knew the definition... oh well, it's a fine line, I believe. One I'm willing to learn from. (I treat her feelings about the same situation the same way ... so I really feel kind of bad knowing how annoying it feels.) (Did that even make sense? Wow)

The million dollar question Allix...Who? Heh heh

I dunno where that came from. And I might be talking crap, I dunno. I just know what my feelings tell me. (Right now they were saying that the last paragraph was insensitive and stupid. But I think I'll leave it there, thank you very much).

I am controlled by my stupid, annoying feelings! Dang it! That explains a lot. Wow.

Um. Heh heh. If I were controlled by my feelings and those occasional impulses (stupid text messaging and stupid guys. Stupid) then I would stay up another hour and finish talking about...whatever I was just talking about but since I am being controlled by reason (for the time being) I know I'm going to go to bed right now. It is...7 hours until I need to wake up. Then tomorrow will be a late night because I will be (skating!) at the game, and I need to wake up rediculously early on Wednesday for Drivers Ed (blech). So now that you know all of that....

Goodnight. ~Be smart.