Complex Numbers

Solstice Day.

Shortest day of the year? Big fucking whoop. It was as cold, cloudy, dark and dreary as a Morrissey song.

I wasn't going to go anywhere today; I was just going to sit on my ass or lie in my bed and celebrate the first of many days off in a row - and, of course, put together next week's Comedy and Fantasy newsletters, which are now almost done.

But my cunning plan was foiled.

There was not a single can of Coke Zero in the entire house.

Now, given a choice, I'd be drinking real Coke. But since they started making it with corn syrup instead of sugar, it just hasn't been right. So as long as I can't get the real stuff, I might as well bow to the low-calorie ideal and get the Zero, which tastes a hell of a lot better than Diet Coke, which in turn is ambrosia compared to anything made by Pepsi.

But if there had been nothing in the fridge but a Pepsi, I'd have drank it, merely because it contains caffeine.

Oh, but Waltz... what about coffee? You ask. I know you're asking. I can hear you. Well, as lousy as that crap Pepsi is, it is sweet nectar compared to coffee. I've never developed a taste for coffee, and I've never yet been desperate enough to need some. Consequently, there's none in my house, which brings us back to my main point...

Caffeine addiction is a real thing. I don't know about anyone else, but upon withdrawal, I get irritable, cranky... okay, MORE irritable and cranky, and on top of that I get this headache that nothing can fix.

Nothing, that is, except drinking something with caffeine in it.

I did, briefly, contemplate making myself a cup of Earl Grey, but for me, the hotness of tea cancels out any caffeine molecules it might have. Nope, there was only one cure for my splitting headache, and that was to go get some soda.

So it was off to the Food Lion (sometimes known as Fool Dyin') to get some Coke Zero.

When I got there, the first thing I saw after all the bedraggled, harried customers and the tired, foaming at the mouth checkout people was that there was no Coke Zero in the refrigerated sections.

Okay, no problem. Diet Dr. Pepper works just fine. So it's a 20 oz DDP and two (on sale!) 12-packs of CZ. Oh, but while I'm here I'm also going to get a bag of pretzels and a box of nukable popcorn!

So much for the advantages of low-calorie soft drinks. This is why I usually get my wife to shop for me. Well, that and I'm lazy.

Anyway, the story ends well - I chugged the DDP and within minutes my headache had resolved into a low roar, once more taking second place to the sharp, stabbing, radiating, numbing, tingling, unbearable pain in my lower back. A pain, in short, that no amount of caffeine can fix, but at least I don't have that godawful damn headache anymore.