Break the Cycle

Factor: Perfectionism

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/04/health/04mind.html?_r=2&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&a...

I stumbled across this article earlier this month. Given my perfectionist tendencies, I was not happy when I first encountered this. However, I have been given one of the theories some thought.

As you may (or may not) know, I've been dating the same guy for three and a half years. Prior to this, the longest relationship I'd had was 11 months, three of which should never have happened and made the difference in our final break-up. Long story short, the relationship ended very badly. It was one of those that drove all our mutual friends out of their minds and pretty much ended the friendships once I graduated high school. Anyway, I mention this because the article because it talks about perfectionism and its (primarily adverse) effects on relationships. The article says that those who have outward perfection (meaning these people want the people and things around them to be perfect) tend to ruin relationships, but I think all three types are capable of this. If you are busy living up to some ideal, you could push away a close friend of lover that respects you and likes you for who you are (as opposed to the ideal ingrained in you head). I say this because I feel I have all three types of perfectionism. I expect perfection from myself; I like the people around me to meet my standards of perfection; and I have a strong ideal I push for everyday, although some days I'm more adamant than others.

What does this have to do with anger? Well, plenty. I get frustrated with myself if I flub on something (especially site related matters). I get pissed off and often blow up at those who do not do something perfectly. This has gotten me fired from jobs in the past, so for te sake of having money I've reigned this in a bit. However, I still get confrontational. As for the ideal, that contributes a bit less to my anger, but when I get angry, it triggers some guilt as well. I think the part that gets me into more trouble and triggers the most frustrations, though, is the perfectionism I expect from others. Thing is, I know at least parts of how I developed this aspect of perfectionism. If you understand my educational background, you will see that I had many perfectionist classmates and just about waltzed through every known level of American education. With this kind of background, I think to myself that most concepts can't be all that difficult to comprehend, if nothing else. So when someone cannot execute a certain command or research an answer for him or herself, I get annoyed at best. At my worst, well, this post will give you a good idea of what happens. "Invalid Post"   I do expect a lot of others, and part of that stems from being in an environment in which everyone expected perfection from everyone and everything. It also stems from demanding a lot from myself as well. That will not change. That is not something I want to change. However, expecting perfection from others is not going to hold up so well. It will be eventually fall by the wayside. I'm not so sure if I want to change this now. A big part of me still enjoys expecting perfection from other people. This is an issue I'm not ready to face. All the same, I realize it will affect my ability to overcome a good deal of my anger issues.

Speaking of which, the article suggests that perfectionism is a reason some people do not overcome addictions with traditional rehabilitation techniques. I'm less inclined to accept this theory. However, it is worth consideration in light of anger management. Let me quote from the article here for just a moment.

The trouble is that falling short still reeks of mediocrity; for them, to say otherwise is to spin the result.

Break down just once — have one smoke, one single drink — and at best it’s a “slip.” At worst it’s a relapse, and more often it’s a fall off the wagon: failure. And if you’ve already fallen, well, may as well pour yourself two or three more.

As you can see, these quotes illustrate why I have my doubts about the idea of perfectionism being a battle in fighting various addictions. After all, being addicted to alcohol is very different from being addicted to crystal meth (and I really don't see this theory applying to crystal meth addictions). However, in my case, it's possible to equate my anger issues to addiction. As I've said before, I enjoy holding people to very high standards, and a part of me gets off to blowing up on people and psychologically ripping them to shreads when I'm really pissed. So perhaps I ought to reconsider how I'm approaching this issue. Perhaps I should approach it like I'm approaching my caffeine addiction; taper it. Instead of going cold turkey and trying not to blow up on people at all, I need to allow myself to be angry every once in a while, blow up and watch how it affects someone over the course of a couple of days or something. And if I do get angry after a time of keeping myself under control, I shouldn't slam myself for it. This may be the way to go, but I'm not sure.

By the way, if anyone cares, I'm tapering my caffeine addiction by keeping my caffeine ingestion to the morning hours. I do make an exception for Pizza Night, but I might be making changes to that and going for water instead.