Complex Numbers

Offensive

I've been getting some flack lately for some of the things I've said. They've been insensitive, callous - even offensive. My wife took me to task for being bitter and cynical. I told her that it's only going to get worse as the "holidays" approach, especially if I'm lured out of my cage to go to stores. Why, just yesterday, the red and green decorations at the grocery store made me contemplate reindeericide.

All the fake cheer, all the ringing bells, all the extra traffic, all the long lines, all the sappy, crappy Santas and bright penguins and laser-nosed reindeer - all this conspire to overshadow even my arch-nemesis Hello Kitty as the bane of my existence for one month out of the year.

So yeah, it makes me cranky, and when I get cranky, I rag on things. I don't set out to offend, but it happens. If it helps - and it probably doesn't - everything's fair game when I get on one of my holiday jags. If you don't like it, I suggest skipping this blog until after the solstice, at which point I usually start to feel better.

But just to show that I'm an equal opportunity offender, I present these gems, collected from the Internet. Of course, I don't find these funny at all; in fact, they offend me terribly. *snicker*

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Or, Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Now, back to my regularly scheduled grumbling.