Ten-Finger Exercises

ranting about hurt feelings

I'm suffering from too many emotions today, and so I should pick one piece, a nice one, to share. But maybe I'll have to rant a little first.

The meeting I went to last night got side-tracked. Granted, it was about pastoral care, and the topic was definitely connected to the care of one of our people. Still, I felt uncomfortable and by the end of the evening was riled up and angry.

Two weeks ago there was a national church training in Yakima on the topic of cultural sensitivity. I had a funeral to be part of, and did not go to the training. It was evidently excellent, and I can see now that I should have gone, because I'm not feeling very sensitive.

A black woman, Lorna, left our church this summer because of a remark made by a man in a study group. The man was relating a time when he was talking to a group of people and said their enterprise didn't have a "Chinaman's chance" of succeeding. There were Chinese people in his audience. The black woman, who is very shy, said she was hurt by that, but then went on with a task. Later, she left, very upset because no one had denounced the racist remark.

She did the same thing ten years ago in a group I was in charge of. Another woman, Nan, in the group had just returned from the burial of a very Southern relative in Atlanta. Her cousin, very Old South, made a racial remark. Nan did not repeat the remark, but only said it had made her very uncomfortable and she hadn't known what to say or do, as she was accepting this cousin's hospitality. Lorna was very upset that the remark was allowed to stand, and she left church for several months.

In both cases, people called and tried to apologize, tried to do whatever was necessary to soothe her wounded feelings, to no avail. She felt as if she had been "run over by a truck."

This group was exceedingly distraught by the incident, and everyone talked about what a hard life she had lived (married and now divorced from an egotistical, white, college professor whom I know nothing about but suspect he was a jerk.) They said that we don't know how awful it is to be a minority, most often a token black person in our community, and all that is true.

Various people mentioned other sensitivities they'd witnessed: a camp cook who quit when a camper asked for "squaw corn," someone who was offended by the verb to gyp because it came from the word gypsy. Even more difficult are the times when people are hurt, not by carelessness, but by outright hatred, because of their race or ethnicity.

Yes, I can't imagine how awful it is to have someone take one look at me and lock their car doors because I might rob or rape them. I can't imagine how it would feel to have strangers be afraid I was a terrorist, or a child molester, or even a welfare cheat.

On the other hand, I think Lorna has taken this thing too far. Yes, we're not supposed to blame the victim. But doesn't she have some responsibility to confront people effectively herself, to learn to do so despite her shyness?

As one woman said, "You mean, if I'd said my children were behaving like wild Indians this morning, she would have been offended?" The answer was yes.

We cannot dismiss the subject as stupid PC stuff, "political correctness" that some have such disdain for. We must learn not to tell sexually offensive jokes except to our good friends whose tastes we know. We certainly must learn to pay attention to our audience, no matter what we're saying. It's good manners, and good sense.

I want to say that if someone didn't intend to insult me, I should overlook it. But that's not quite true either. If I want them to be aware that fat lady jokes could be hurtful, I'd better be able to tell them so, in a way that isn't retaliatory or rude. I think such unintentional remarks should certainly be forgiven. At the same time, we do need to learn to be more sensitive. How would we like it if the words were aimed at us?

Maybe I'll get to the nice story tomorrow. After all, it's only October!