Somewhere In Life Is Love

Why I Suffer From Depression

I don’t know what to say
Most of the time I think within my own head
But mostly what comes out is…
A vast sea of loud nothingness
As if my mind is speaking to me in tongues
But not in reverence or in divine manners
But mostly as if cursing me to fail
Life is an unbearable hell
Figuratively
What does that mean, anyway
Because if it looks real
Feels real
Tastes real
Smells real
Sounds real
Then, of course, it must be real
Therefore
Since I am undoubtedly feeling as if I am being punished
For a lifetime of sins
Then I must be in my own form of hell
Wallowing within my own self guilt
Yet consistently consumed by my own self pity
Even now it seems as if the voices get louder in my head
Sounding familiar
Laughing
And now my guilt turns to hatred
And now my hatred turns to fear
As I fear myself turning into the beast that I’ve so longed to control
Destruction has followed me through my adolescence
My hatred for others seems to be parasitic
Feeding off of the world’s happiness…
Including mine
My dreams seem to be surreal
My reality seems to be nightmares
So no matter what comes I know that I shall be in hand with sleep
Which is in hand with death
Which means my end will come sooner than I had wished
Funny how I grew with the mindset of death
But, now grown, I have lost the will to die
For you must live to die and
Since I lost my will to live
Then I surely don’t want to die for I know what must happen before
Which makes no since in the end
But in the beginning of it all it was deep
But then again, so was I
My thoughts are leading me through a world where time seems to repeat itself
Because I was here not even four months ago
And four months before
And before
And before
And before
And before before before before
Before I can remember what existed before
All I know is I was constantly hungry
Like I am now
Hungry
And yet after the three meals that I eat to sustain
I realize my hunger cannot be quenched
But will remain and drive me crazy
Until it sends me to my grave
And yet in still I will forever be
Hungry
And just like these lines
It seems everything that begins
Ends and begins again
And never stop
Whether at the bottom or at the top
I have come to the realization
That I will never like my life
And I will never be satisfied
So I will forever have
Depression


To understand my words, you must first understand my mind. Balik737