My True Soul

Qu� ser�, ser�.

I've had this journal for over 5 years now and I've just now finished filling up my first book journal about 2 weeks ago, I think. I'm impressed by how much that has in it. And I'm also impressed by how much this one has in it. I wonder how long it would be if one was ever to just print it out.

Anyways, 5 years is a long time, eh. That means when I started it that I was 17. And that must of been the time that I started talking to April... that's a long time, eh?
I talked to her last weekend, her voice has changed, of course she's lost the accent she had somewhat. But it's more than that, she sounds so grown up now, even more so than I. I believe she is more grown up than I am though. She's always seems wiser, I know that. Even when she was 14 and I was 18.

Last week, I went to Starkville, like planned.
I was a bitch to Manda most of the next 2 days after the last post. I was hurt and it was a lot easier to be mad/angry and mean to her. It was a lot easier to think of every reason why we ever had problems and concentrate on them, then that way... it made it seem like less of a big deal that what happened, had happened.
I realized she didn't deserve to be treated that way and I stopped. She still doesn't. She opened her heart up to me and loved me fully, just as much as I opened mine to her. She asked if maybe we should be friends, because of personal reasons.
And right now, she needs a friend more than anything else, and I can be a friend.

We hung out last week, we both wanted to. She's still a best friend and I still love hanging out with her. Some stuff happened and I don't think either of us are sure what we're doing right now. Or what will become of us exactly. I posted in another journal with a comment like "it's over" and her reply was "it's complicated." I got a gift on facebook that was a broken heart that looks like it's been stitched back together. I'm pretty sure I know what it means.

There were other things, that we said to each other, that we did last week. I have hope still. But, I'm not pushing. Things will work out how they're supposed to, I really do believe that.

I've wanted to write all these memories from last week down, so I'll never forget. But I don't think I'll have to. I keep remembering them and vividly. Especially us being in Columbus and walking downtown. I never wanted that to end.



K. In other news. I'm still trying to figure out grad school. I want to try to get a fellowship so that they'll pay me to just study, basically. But, I'll take anything where they cover my tuition. I need to figure out some more uppity schools to apply to. But, I'm having some trouble. I also need to finish this scholarship that I'm working on and study more for the GRE.

I went to see one of my favorite professors and he really helped a lot in some really simple ways. Just talking to him normally makes me feel more confident with what I need to do.

I got an application from Auburn and after looking it over with Manda, I feel more confident about the whole process and more sure that things will work out.

My parents are driving me crazy in a way. But I figure I only have 2 weeks with them, I can make it.

My professor told me I should try to apply to a really noteworthy school so that some of the other more ... whatever schools would actually try harder to get me to come to their school. He's right. I tell my parents this. They try to convince me that's what they'd be telling me. No, what they'd been telling me is to try to play one school off another, which is the same concept, but they meant like MSU and Ole Miss. Rivals, like that.
They always try to tell me that's what they were telling me or convince me that they were right in someway. All the time.
It's part of their control. It is.

Part of me feels like maybe I should go back to the psychologist dude I talked to at the beginning of the summer. But then, part of me also feels like I should be able to handle my own shit.

Okay, I've got to finish this scholarship. Must think of who I'd want to be for 24 hours if I could trade places with anyone... I haven't the slightest idea.