My Blog

Breaking the Silence

One of the hardest parts of being in an abusive relationship, whether physical, sexual, or emotional (or any combination thereof) is the feeling that you're totally alone...there's no one you can talk to, no one who will care. Men who are abusive will break down your self-esteem until you start to believe that they are the ONLY person on the planet who would even THINK of putting up with YOU. That no one really cares about you, you're nothing, nobody, useless...etc.

The problem is, this is very rarely, if ever, true. Chances are you have at least one family member or friend who would help you if you reached out and asked them.

I think, the biggest fear, is that people will think less of us. They'll see us as weak, stupid, worthless, because we are being abused.

Again, this is not true either. Some will, yes. Some people just don't understand. They think it's easy to just up and leave...no matter how long you were together, or if you have kids or not, it IS NOT easy,

Especially if you have good reason to fear for your or your children's safety.

If you have a job and family in the area, you're not going to want to leave the state and start over with a new name. You already feel so alone, that will, usually, just make you feel even more alone.

So, what's the answer?

I don't know...I used to think I knew that...I never thought I'd put up with half the shit I put up with. I never thought I'd be the one who people were telling to leave a man...never. I always dumped men who treated me badly.

Now, I'm with someone worse than anyone (well, except one) that I've been with before and I can't seem to break free. I do love him. I try to be understanding about his mood swings and nasty temper. I know he's a Vietnam vet and they do tend to have psychological problems. So, I try to hang in there during the bad times and cherish the good ones. Unfortunately, the good times are less and less and the bad times keep getting worse and worse.

I feel like a failure. All the love in the world can't make things better. All the patience and understanding can't fix someone who won't even admit they have a problem.

He has a bad attitude about women because they always leave him...he sees them as liars who didn't really love him and deserted him. I see why, now. He is 2 people. The sensitive, sweet guy inside is so scared of being hurt again that anytime he feels that a woman (me) might be "gaining and upper hand" or somehow taking away some of his control makes him feel threatened. I understand this...but it still doesn't excuse abusive behavior.

I just want him to be the way he is when he lets his guard down and is himself...the angry, scared man is just a wall...a cover...a protection against being vulnerable. But, I can't fix him.

He doesn't drink as much as he used to. He doesn't get into trouble at all, since we've been together. I know, in a way, I have been good for him. I know how he was when I was in the hospital for a week...he just drank the whole time, calling me wanting to know when I'd be home...

I know, he does love me, the best he can...and I know he needs me...I help keep him from completely falling apart...but, I can't save him from himself. And, I think his feelings of needing me are part of the problem...to him, that's a weakness. I'm no psychologist, but I can see exactly what's going on...I just can't do anything about it.

I don't want to give up. I don't want to be another woman who gave up on him, who failed him...but he's failing me and himself...it's self-destruction in slow motion and I can't let him take me down with him. I've come too far. It hurts. I love the good part of him so much...but I hate the mean, nasty part as much. I feel so torn.

I know, it won't last much longer if something doesn't change. But, I'm just not ready to walk away yet. My friends/co-workers see me as strong for some reason...If I'm so strong, why do I feel so weak?