My True Soul

Short and Simple.... or not

I miss her so much.

I know I'll be fine without her and that I'll manage and that I don't need her to survive and all that other stuff.

But, god how I miss her.

I want to go home.
I am going home.


I have been SO mad lately.

It was their pathetic need to keep control over me. To keep me here this summer. To hold their support over my head like an axe.

And now? I've spent the entire summer, wanting to be where I'm not. I've spent the entire summer, pretty much, living out of a suitcase. (I haven't unpacked it entirely the entire summer.) This summer that was supposed to "make this" my home again, has done everything but that. I knew there was no way it was going to do it in the first place. In fact, all this bullshit with them has done everything but make me feel closer to them. It's made me dislike so much about how they do me.

I've been so angry. I don't want to be here. Making me stay here is only making me want to run away from them even more than I already did.

I love Manda.
I feel like where she is, is home. My home is being in her arms or her being in mine.

It doesn't matter if it's in Starkville or at her mom's house.
It doesn't matter how mad we may be or how mad she probably still is with me.

I so badly want us to be okay. I don't expect perfection. I just want us. The ones who occasionally fight, who get annoyed with each other, and who can talk to each other. I messed up so much, in the past 8 months especially. There is so much beauty in choice and respect. And I, of all people, seemingly forgot that.

I want to be who I am with her. I want to be me.

I want her to be who she is.
I want for her to be able to lay in my arms and feel safe and secure.

I want to share our lives with each other.

And I want for us to celebrate what we have.

The other day, I charged my old phone because it had some text messages I've saved. The last time she asked me if I'd marry her was on the 25th of Nov. of 2006.

She's right with what she said a month ago tho. Right now, we're at a point that we can't go past. Right now, things have got to stay as they are. Because of other situations.

And I've got to continue to fight through this bullshit with them. And with myself.

I want to be the Robyn I was a couple of summers ago. That was the real me. Not the one that's been around lately, the one who's afraid to live.
That's how I like me.

The one who does things for her without a reason, just because. The one who's silly and goofy and smart. The one who wasn't so spineless. The one who had goals and went after them and didn't hesitate so much over making a decision.

Anyway, all this started was because I love her. I miss her terribly. And I just had to say it.