My True Soul

"In order to give birth to a star...

one must have chaos in onself." - Nietzsche


I'm going to try to pick up from my last entry. It's been a while since it and I've thought more. Which we all know means trouble, right? Haha, not always, but definitely sometimes.

Anyways. I said a lot of things in that entry that were on point. They were real. And it was important that I realized them. I haven't tried to tell Manda that things are going to be different. Or tried to pretend that I know things that I don't. Because, well, I don't. My parents are crazy and controlling.
I saw her last week, we spent a lot of last week together. I really enjoyed it. At one point, we were talking about how she really thought out how to find me, how to talk to me. She knew from the first time that she saw me that she liked me. I think it only became more apparent after she talked to me a few times. She's told me time and time again that I was the most beautiful girl she'd ever seen. (It's taken me entirely too long to just accept that as a compliment and to let it make me smile... but I'm smiling now and it makes me happy to know that. I don't question her or it either.) But, anyway, we got to talking about that, and about how she planned on trying to talk to me and get to know me. She made a lot of effort.
I asked her if she was disappointed for taking all that time. She said she wasn't. That she was glad she knew me. That my parents were a little much and were bastards, but... not me.

She said "I love you" and it made me happy. The way she said it and when she said it. It means so much.

I still am working. I still am. But, I will get there.

It was so nice seeing her on Tuesday and just getting to hold her as we watched Tv and she read a magazine. I got her favorite magazine, a couple of books, and a card. And I didn't do it to suck up or to apologize. I did it because she likes them. Because I ran across them. I did it because I wanted to be nice.
A couple of months ago, I probably would have only have done that as a way to say I was sorry for being mean. As a band-aid to a problem. It cheapens things when the only time you do nice things is as a way to apologize. I mean, sometimes you should get someone flowers as a way to say you're sorry. But, you should do it other times just because.

I had so much fun the other night at Arby's, just sitting there, talking to her. Enjoying her laughter, her voice, and her smile. And watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show with her and us taking turns with who was holding who.

I'm not sure what'll be happening a year from now. If I'll be moving or not. Where I'll be for grad school. What the next few months are going to hold. We'll just have to wait and see.

Right now, I have 3 grad schools picked out. They're MSU, Auburn, and UTK.

Btw, after my last entry, Manda put up lyrics to "The First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes. I can't hear the song without crying. It meant a lot to see those lyrics though.

I know more than I think I do, btw. If I'd just go on my gut instinct some and relax a lot.

Ah, here are some snippets that have been running through my head as of late:
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
"Sometimes it's nice to be reminded that people care about you."
"The beauty in being loved by someone is that they've made the choice"
"To be an honest person, you must first be honest with yourself."

Okay, I'm going to go now... I'm cold and I'm gonna call Manda.