Mental Meanderings

Poor Lonely Blog...

Aww, look how sad my little black and blue calender looks this month. I guess I've just found that blogging isn't particularly important to me. I used to think that it was a way of writing every day but really that's a delusion, like writing email, or grocery lists or wasting hours in chat. Ultimately writing this blog hasn't gotten me any closer to any of my dreams then when I began, years ago.

I've often had thoughts about how I could transform this blog into something more motivational for my own goals but so far all those ideas haven't really taken spark. The truth is I'm very firm about what it is I want and I've come to realise I do a lot of things that have a writing slant that aren't really helping me at all.

Reviewing for example is something I don't really love doing. I appreciate getting reviews and when I'm in-depth writing a review I'm enjoying the process. Knowing the rules and being able to share them and analyse the work of others is great but with little to no reward or even acknowledgement I often wonder what the point is. I'm a copyeditor, why should I be spending hours of my time reviewing for free when I normally charge $25/hour for the service?

I guess being aware of how dire my finances are also makes me think differently about what I spend my time on. I can't afford to throw away the hours being unproductive toward my goals. Things like playing video games is simply a time sink. I don't even find myself refreshed after playing because I ultimately spend too many hours at the screen that my body and mind have been working hard, my eyes straining and yet physically it's also pretty atrophying.

I've taken to reading a lot lately. I have a pile of books I'm determined to work through so I've taken to really defining which projects are important to me and which ones aren't. All the ones that don't hold onto my heart have fallen to the side to make way for reading time, writing time, family time and health time.

It's amazing how vitalizing and inspiring it is to read. If anyone is blocked I suggest grabbing a pile of books. Read everything in sight and start hoarding the library books. Reading stimulates the mind and is calming for the body. I've noticed that no matter what kind of book I read, good and bad, fiction or non-fiction, romance, fantasy, inspirational, classic, whatever, I'm inspired to write.

Inspired to write MY BOOK. Which is the most important thing to me. I mean all these other projects require writing too. Poetry writing, review writing, essay writing, article writing, lesson writing, etc. is all writing but that's not what I'm really interested in. I'm interested in finishing this book, in telling Tori's story, in bringing these characters alive and before the eyes of readers all over the world. This story deserves to be told and it's far more important to me then teaching poetry or even getting my own poetry published or even writing my own poetry. It's more important to me then reviewing other peoples work or writing emails or even writing this blog.

Of course I haven't been spending all my time writing FoT instead. I write FoT for an hour in the morning and it charges me for the day ahead. I feel time on my side when I start the day with FoT and I seem to get more of anything I begin done. Housework is finally making progress when it used to be one of those long languishing and forgotten things I'd get around to if I had time.

I feel great because I know that even if I've accomplished little else all day, even if I've disappeared into a good book for a few hours I started with my writing and FoT is progressing. What's most important to me is happening instead of being shoved aside.

Still, I don't know how long this present motivation will last. I hope that I'm developing some stamina and discipline. It's the sort of lifestyle I could continue indefinitely if I don't let my moods and self-esteem get in my own way. But those moods and self-esteem aren't helped by some of the people I associate with who say disempowering things. (No, not any of my readers.)

Sometimes I wish I truly could cut myself off from humanity. And yet, while there are those stupid people who just have no idea how distructive they are to someone like me there are also the wonderful people out there who can help rebuild these fragile foundations (yes, you guys this time ). Of course, that doesn't mean I make any promises to get back to writing my blog regularly. Ultimately, my blog isn't writing my book. I'll come here to vent, to celebrate, or to relax but it's no longer an obligation in my life. It's pretty freeing to be able to offload a few of those obligations. I just it was easier to do so with a few of the other projects I'm already involved in.

If anyone wants to take The Tools of Poetry Workshop off my hands I'd welcome you with open arms and worship the roads you walk on.