Mental Meanderings

Aches and Pains - The Legacy of Stress

My back hurts. Not the regular did too much kind of hurt but the deep to the bone ache that is a herald of tension, stress and strain. I haven't physically been doing very much, which is actually part of the problem. If I were working out more regularly and getting back to the daily walking I'm sure I'd be feeling better. Instead I've gone from two weeks of very little activity into this week where I've worked quite hard.

I mean two days ago I was digging a vegetable patch. This is tantamount to disaster if you're not fit to begin with. But I was full of energy and raring to go so I set to it and dug to my full strength of about 30 minutes. It was a good workout and I enjoyed it. No aches or pains after that and I kept my fluids up.

But I haven't been sleeping well. In fact most nights I'm exhausted from about 5PM but even after the kids are in bed around 7:30ish I can't shut my mind down so that I could sleep. It wanders and revolves. I attempt to work, and some nights I do get some reviewing or poetry done, some nights even both. I get my blog done each night too.

At the back of my mind revolves the two books that are foremost in my thoughts. The Flight of Torque is primarily in focus because I'd set my course toward finishing that book first. The stress of finances is also hanging heavily over my head at the moment. Some weeks and months are tighter than others. Now each day I'm trying to think of ways to supplement my income because at the moment it's just NOT making ends meet.

I don't know how to get more clients for the copyediting service I offer. I'm forever feeling like I CAN'T seriously apply for that kind of work or even recommend myself. I have no degree. I didn't even graduate year 9 English. How could I possibly suggest people pay me $25US an hour to correct their documents? I have one client. He's sporadic but loyal. Over the past three years I've done perhaps a dozen commissions for him but it's not regular or often enough to even reach the edges of the tax free threshold.

I guess I should focus more on submitting for publication. My poetry and articles might be publishable. I don't know. It all feels particularly overwhelming when I start thinking in that direction. There are just so many markets and I don't know where to begin or what to say. I know it's the sort of thing I'll get more familiar with by doing so I really should just stop complaining and start acting. *sighs* Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to do it. Especially when each submission takes weeks to be responded to and rejections are pretty much guaranteed to be more common then acceptance.

I've also been thinking that I need to write the final 16 of the Nature's Sonnets I want to put together for an Anthology. I think this might be my primary goal at the moment. I've planned for two years to publish a book via Lulu.com of my Shakespearean Sonnet's but I simply don't have enough content yet. I have 9 poems for the collection so far, each still needs a little tinkering I would thing but they're fairly good. I want to put together a book of 25 poems.

Anyway, one top of my concerns about being unable to get past the fear that holds me back from working on either of my books it all equals a great deal of stress. Enough stress to give me this sense of complete physical weariness, exhaustion, restlessness and pain. It’s an all-consuming ache that reaches deep into the core of me and seems to clench all of my muscles in a spasm of pain.

Nothing seems to work to relax either my muscles or my mind. Does anyone have a remedy that deals with the basic heaviness of carrying the world on ones shoulders?