Mental Meanderings

Easter, Chocolate & Family

Ok, attempting to bouy up my mood a little so I can write this entry. Anyea wants chocolate. That woman always wants chocolate. I used to always want chocolate too but the past year or so I've learnt to loath it. It's amazing how much chocolate affects my moods and self esteem. I feel guilty eating it because I know how bad it is for me in so many ways.

But today's blog isn't really about the evils of Chocolate. It's about Easter! Which was yesterday, I know. I love celebrating holidays in my family. These days my family consists primarily of women. It's always wonderful to get together with my two sisters, my mother, and even my grandmother. Four generations of women in one room.

My family has this ability to talk and talk. We share and laugh and love so freely in that inspiring, warm environment. We talk about the past and the future, dreams, goals, hopes, fears, love, and life. We've been through the good and the bad together over those occasions. We get together over a fantastic meal my oldest sister usually puts together.

This time my oldest sister shared details about the trip she'll be taking in a few weeks. She's touring Europe for 7 weeks in May and June. She's been planning this adventure for months now and is so excited. She's traveled in the past, toured around Australia etc. but this trip is huge even by her own standards. It's amazing to watch the way she plans. She has her entire itinery all planned out, she knows where she'll be and which hotel she's at for every night of her trip, where her planes connection, trains and ferries launch etc. All the i's are dotted and t's are crossed long before she ever steps out her front door.

My other sister has plans to travel as well although she's been planning to do so for years and always puts it off. At the moment the idea of getting a motorcycle is taking precedence. She's the sort of person who plans every detail too but rather than planning and acting she's usually just planning and never acting. I think she will get this bike eventually. She really just takes a long time to get to the things she wants to do. She'll be able to make it happen when she's ready.

My mother and grandmother are stepping into new ventures in their own lives. My grandmother is a remarkable woman. She's in her 70's now and has lead a full life. She's fit and independant, fully of energy and strong in mind and opinion. She's set herself a project of organising her home. For a good part of the last decade or so she's done little bits here and there to prepare for when she dies. It makes me curious about her actually, she must think about her demise fairly frequently but she's still living strong and will likely do so for another decade or two yet.

Easter is perhaps one of our favorite gatherings as a family. We're a family of chocolate lovers and exchanging the sweet, chocolatey Cadbury goodness is a highlight. Being able to mix this year with chocolate birthday cake for my baby boy was an added treat.

After the food was cleared away the tarot cards come out. It's becoming a tradition actually. We get together so infrequently these days that I guess it's just another way to connect with each other and share out lives. The cards are more of a talking point then some prophetic tool. It allows us to express where we are, to talk about our worries, or draw each other out even more than we do simply by sharing.

My family see me as the broody mother hen sort. They seem to think my near future should involve me settling down with a man in my life and future additions to my family. Pulling out The Goddess card in my spread gave us all something to laugh about. The Goddess is the mother image and it often heralds pregnancy. It certainly made me thankful for my celibacy at the moment. *chuckles*

They know I'm worried and unstable. It's strange because I feel more unsettled and concerned at the moment then I have for a long time. There is no direct cause, everything just feels really shaky and uncertain. I guess it's because my path isn't set and I don't know where the next year is going to take me. I'm not grounded because I've been letting myself daydream in the fantasy. It's so easy to wish for pipe dreams but the reality checks get painful after a while. One problem with being a foolish optimist is that it's so hard to learn to keep my feet on the ground.

I'm the sort of person who recludes into the moment and live for the day just to prevent the pain of a future I can't have. Of course doing so causes more trouble in the future which creates more worry and pain. *sighs* It's one of those vicious circles.

Tomorrow I'm going to live for the day however. Money and time and future are of no concern. I'm going to have a great day out with my kids, because my baby boy is three (as of today) and my daughter will be seven in three weeks. Time is disappearing and I'll never have these moments with them again.